Moving on from abusive relationships.

[Luna10]

A toxic marriage for 9 years with daily coercive control then finally got the courage to leave. He has punished me ever since for leaving him. That was 12 years ago. He threatened to leave me with nothing. He took our 2 young children and fled to NSW. I couldn’t do anything because we didn’t have a court order. We went through court and he got 75% of the property settlement/finances as he told me that if I didn’t agree to it he wouldn’t let me see the kids again. I got 50/50 care of the kids but constantly felt threatened that he’d take them off me again. I never shouted at the kids or disciplined them in a strict way due to worrying that he would accuse me of abuse and take them off me. He coercively controlled our oldest child and also emotionally and psychologically abused him after I left. He has constantly denigrated me to the kids. My eldest called me in July 2021 as his father was abusing him again. I picked him up and he stayed with me for 3 days. We met with his brother and father to give him chance to discuss his concerns. He reluctantly went back to his father’s as it was his allotted time with the kids. Since then my youngest started to ignore me. He would not be in the same room as me at mine and barely spoke to me. He thought it was bad that I had picked up my eldest that day and I was being horrible to his dad. I tried to explaIn but he wouldn’t agree with me. I found out later on that my ex was asking him to spy on me daily regarding my drinking and smoking habits. He got him to measure glasses and record how many milliliters of wine compared with lemonade I was having and how many a week. He told my youngest that I was an alcoholic and he needed to monitor me and report back to his dad as it wasn’t safe being around me. This went on until November 2021.

[Luna10]

1. THIS FOLLOWS ON FROM A PREVIOUS POST: In November 2021 when my ex took the kids again. He said they didn’t want anything to do with me and felt unsafe at my house. Just to clarify I used to drink a bottle of wine a week then. Now I drink a bottle every 2-3 months! I had 6 months of no contact with my kids resulting in 2 failed suicide attempts. The courts took a long time to do anything. My ex had breached our court order in many ways. He had also turned the kids against me. He knows this is the worst way he can hurt me. In May last year my eldest wanted to come back and live with me week on week off. Still no contact with my youngest. My eldest came back then has lived with me full time since last September. The affidavit that my ex submitted to the court was shocking. He accused me of being a raging alcoholic, heavy smoker, neglectful of the kids, not feeding them and they had to forage in the cupboards for their own food, and having a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder.  He also accused my partner of 8 years of hitting me and being homophobic and racist. This was all so far from the truth. I had to submit lots of evidence to prove this wrong. The court accepted that it was all untrue and that my ex had influenced the children to leave. The new court order specifies that he cannot denigrate me to the kids or try to gain their loyalty over me. He is still doing all this as my eldest tells me things he’s said about me to the kids when he’s been to see him and his youngest brother. I pretend to dismiss it but it makes me feel empty and worthless. He is still manipulating my youngest against me. When my eldest comes back from seeing him, he is moody, irritable and disagreeable with me for a couple of days. We were always so close. The court order also ruled that the kids can choose where they live and who they spend time with, despite my documented evidence in the form of a diary and text messages showing emotional, psychological and some physical abuse by the father towards my children! They did nothing about it. So my ex has used the fact the the kids can decide contact with me and and their father to his advantage and kept my youngest away from me.

[Luna10]

1. THIS FOLLOWS ON FROM 3 PREVIOUS POSTS: I have not received responses to text messages from my youngest for 1.5 years. I have seen him for about 10 hours in total including 3 therapy sessions, which started to work then my ex said my youngest didn’t want to attend them anymore. I have tried to email, text, call him to start them up again but receive no response. I don’t know what to do. The court order specifies that we must attend therapy of my choice. My ex has breached the court order numerous times but I am still paying off the $22000 debt from last years court fees so cannot afford to see a lawyer. I am not eligible for legal aid as my partner earns over the threshold. My ex keeps calling child support to appeal paying me for our eldest child and telling my youngest that he’s not getting anything he needs due to paying me child support, so he can’t afford it. He earns $95000 a year and claims $7500 in family payments from Centrelink! I spent 23 hours straight from 2am in the morning (because I barely sleep) providing evidence to child support online that I am not studying at uni and not working so that I receive child support from him. Why would I not earn $100000 in my career field so that I can get $8400 a year in child support! I had to prove I’ve applied for jobs and that I am not ‘fleecing the system’ as my ex is claiming. They are going to call me again and I suspect it’s because my eldest stayed at his fathers a couple of nights over the recent school holidays because he missed his brother. He’s probably submitted a change of care application even though there are no current plans for my eldest to stay there again. I am really struggling with all of this. I have suicide ideation daily and see no future ahead.

[Luna10]

1. THIS FOLLOWS ON FROM 4 PREVIOUS POSTS: I have tried to make contact with my youngest but failed. I self harm because I feel there is no end to my ex destroying me. I have withdrawn from most of my friends and family and don’t go out unless I have to for groceries. I have hidden all this from my eldest who lives with me. I get daily panic attacks and have nightmares about my ex abusing me. I sleep about 2-3 hours a night. I am postgrad qualified and experienced in my career but cannot face working at the moment, so I am studying a Psychology degree at uni, luckily it is online at the moment because I have panick attacks if I go anywhere except our local shops for groceries. I have lost all confidence, self-esteem, my sense of self, my ambition and motivation. I pander to my eldest son’s every need sacrificing my own needs and wants because I am terrified that he will run back to his father and I won’t see him either. Please help. If anyone can understand what I’m going through it would be great to talk about it as I feel very alone.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Luna10,   Welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing this here. We’re really sorry to hear what you’re going through. We hope the amazing words from our community bring you some comfort. 
 
In a healthy relationship, you should be communicated with and treated with respect, so it might be worth having a look at the 1800Respect pages on healthy relationships. It could be useful to have a chat with them to discuss how you’ve been treated by your partner. They're on 1800 737 732, or you can reach them on online chat, here.  You could also speak to the Family Relationship Advice Line on 1800 050 321. They offer free advice to families going through separation. There’s also Parentline (who have a number for each state listed here) - they have advice on co-parenting when separating, here on their site.  
 
Thank you again for your courage and strength in sharing your story here. We hope you can be as kind to yourself as you have been in sharing here, as it’s really important to look after yourself and reach out when you need to talk it through. Our counsellors are here for you, anytime you’d like to chat. 
 
Kind regards, 
 
Sophie M