Find answers to some of the more frequently asked questions on the Forums.

Forums guidelines

Our guidelines keep the Forums a safe place for people to share and learn information.

Literally no way out

Community Member

Stuck in a very unhappy marriage & wish I could turn back 3 years & get out.

Married 10 years but 2 years ago we sold a third of our house to my Mother-in-law & lived through the renovation from hell for her to live with us. It has destroyed us financially & emotionally.

Husband has been depressed for years & finally had a breakdown this year & has quit his 20 year career in search of something else.

There is literally no way out as we have poured everything into this house. I can't afford to head out on my own and take the two kids with me.

I have accepted that this is my reality but just wish he wasn't so nasty & would still support me when I discipline the kids but there is no support or communication when we're under the same roof. Can you imagine how much worse it would be if we weren't living together?

We'll have to put on the happy family act over Christmas/New Year as we have a lot happening.

6 Replies 6

Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Mrs Sergeant

I'm another ex-police d/s, though from a very long time ago. I was invalided out due to stress related disorders.

I can relate with your earlier posts, and I can understand in part your husband too. I was fortunate in my circumstances after I left, my wife worked and money was not the trap it is for you. I managed a course of study and started teaching part time.

I have no magic answer, I can only sympathize. As an intelligent person, the one on the spot, you will not doubt have explored all reasonable avenues, so I won't insult you by making half-baked suggestions. Plus it does take the cooperation of the partner to have any change of progressing.

Did your husband have anyone in the force he particularly respected and was close to?

Do you have any family, friends or interests to give you a measure of solace?

My best wishes


Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Mrs Sergeant, as someone with PTSD, the time that i have alone, I really make use of. For the most part I use this time to just pure relax and listen to music or go for a run or watch some catch up TV. I find that this really settles me.

I say that above as I cannot begin to think of what it would be like for you but if (and i know this might be a big "if"), you get time to yourself, it is really important that you use that time for you. You must look after yourself, do something for you. You need the time out and with kids, it may only be a little bit of time but if you can, spend that time on you.

Croix asks some really good questions above and I want to add another one which is where he is heading, I think. Has hubby got any friends that might be able to influence him to get some help for his depression? Understand that he is looking for something else but unless he gets treated and gets the depression under control, it will obviously be hard moving forward.


Community Member

Hello Mrs Sergeant,

You are living through stressful issues that are impacting on you well being at present and to do so with children in the picture must be difficult for you. Having someone in the household who are suffering with a breakdown and are working their way back to better well being is not always easy to share a calm environment 24/7.

As MarkJT has put forward in his reply finding things to do that gives him pleasure for himself is a great coping tactic. I feel it is very important for myself to find sometime each day where i could breath without thinking and sometimes it is as simple as making a cuppa tea and sitting quietly for five minutes.

Developing a good support network has helped me greatly this year after a challenging cluster of issues. Visiting my GP was a great start as he helped me access some visits to supports i needed. Beyondblue have some great information to access and support you could use when you need it.

Be kind to yourself as it is important to look after yourself so it gives you stable starting point on your path you choose to follow.


Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
dear Mrs Sergeant, there is so much pain going on with you at the moment, with a husband suffering from a break down and having your MIL stay with you, who in fact could be dominating in so many ways, all against your wishes.

What I would suggest for you is to go and talk with Anglicare, because they will be able to house you with furniture and supply some food for you, if you want to move out.
The other option is that centrelink will provide bond money for you and the kids to be able to move into a house, then you can claim rent assistance which will greatly reduce the rental price, and by doing this may shock your husband into getting help from his doctor and then to be referred to a psychologist.
Sometimes that's all that is needed to get him to wake up and realise that his family has left him, but the concern is that your MIL is living with you, on paper it sounds to be a great idea, but in practice it never seems to work out, but the situation has become harder to overcome, because she has bought a third of the house, but I wonder how old she is.
There are always ways to overcome situations like this, but it needs determination, but first of all contact Anglicare, they were terrific when I was in dire straights, because they offered counseling, stopped all the creditors from constantly ringing me and all those nasty letters were also stopped, I don't know where I would be now if I haven't seen them. Geoff. x

Community Member

Here I am back in this site again and there is still literally NO way out.

How do I know? Tried that last year. husband & I separated for 3 months & explored options to sell whole/part of house but we are both stuffed.

he has so many deep unresolved issues & doesn’t have the will or the capacity to address them. I have tried literally everything & now I am considering suggesting an open marriage

i assure you, our issues are not about sex. there are many deep issues that he refuses to face as they are painful for him but I can’t help him. he needs professional support & won’t seek it. SO naturally everything is my fault in his mind.

Im done. Thinking of suggesting an open relationship so he can get sex elsewhere and leave me alone. I have sex with him but trust me I get NOTHING in return so I’m sick of it.

He is emotionally deficient & has nothing to give me so I am considering telling him to look for sex elsewhere.

We have no choice but to live together until his mother dies which could be 10 years who knows?

I just want to live a happy life & not be his “carer” anymore.

Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Mrs Sergeant~

I'm sorry to hear your situation continues on as before. I had hoped you husband would have ended up seeking treatment and improving, sadly not the case.

When someone does not get the treatment they need and others suffer it is a terrible situation to be in. Leaving his career sounded a thoroughly bad move when you mentioned it before.

I can understand how you feel and maybe it is the way to go, I'd be worried about your future though if you husband did seek out another for whatever reason. My apologies if you have already considered this but have you sought legal advice?

As far as your own life is concerned do you have anyone you can turn to for support? Do you get on with his mother?