Life with Guilted Love,Depression and Hopelessness!

Bubble89 · ‎26-01-2016

Have had relationship problems with my parnter for over 6 months now,i want to leave and have tried to but have been made to feel guilty about leaving him with a mortgage etc..i told him id help and stay in a separate room until something could be sorted but still am felt like im forced to stay.

In the last 3 months I've become very close to another male and feelings have developed ive tried to tell my partner but he doesn't want to hear it,ive told him that i still love him though im not in love with him but he still wont let me go..so ive been seeing my male friend in secret and stayed in the relationship feeling lost miserable angry and hopeless as i sink further into depression..in a small way i should stay as it feels like my obligation but i know its not fair on either of us...feeling like im stuck between a rock and a hard place! Dont know what i should do,any advice?

pipsy · ‎26-01-2016

Hi Bubble. You have got yourself into a predicament, haven't you. Into another relationship without 'breaking' the first one. I would see if there was some way either you could 'buy' your ex out, or settle financially so you can move. You don't really owe ex partner anything except financially. This money situation, is it 'legal and binding'? If there are papers drawn up making you both financial partners, then you owe him money to leave. If you are a 'boarder', you owe him nothing. You're not doing him any favours by being a martyr. The longer you stay out of guilt, the more you're going to resent the situation. He sounds pretty insecure too. If he took out the mortgage, he and he alone is responsible, if you both did jointly, you're going to have to pay him your share. Either way, you need to leave to get on with your new relationship.

If I sound harsh, that's not my intention.

Bubble89 · ‎27-01-2016

The other guy knows the situation so we have agreed to be friends until the situation is resolved..we both own the house and neither of us want to buy the other out or sell it.

I know im not helping by staying here out of guilt and want to leave,have tried plenty of times he just wont let me go.you have in no way sounded harsh its just another perspective of looking at it.

I still love him but im not in love with him anymore and dont want to be the person ive become,i know he is a completely different person now but he still has the hope the relationship will heal ive told him it will never be the same but ive run out of ways to tell him.

Ive been told to pack and leave whilst he is at work but that would crush him i know i need to leave but haven't the faintest idea on how to tell him or what to do!

pipsy · ‎27-01-2016

Hi Bubbles. I think you're going to have to tell your ex partner firmly, about your new friend. Be open and honest, tell him straight out you love someone else. Don't tell your ex you love him, but you're not 'in love' with him. He won't understand that. With men, that's complicated, it's either you love them or you don't. I understand it, you feel the same toward him now as you would a brother, cousin etc. But your feelings have since changed and his haven't, your ex partner won't like it, he will be hurt, but you need to break with him completely, otherwise things will get messy. You can't put your life on 'hold', because you 'feel sorry' for your ex. Maybe, you should consider leaving ex while he's at work and leave him a letter. A clean break is the best thing. Your ex will feel gutted anyway, because you've left, but he will 'get over' it. Don't leave a forwarding address, just tell him it's over, tell him you've tried to tell him and he wouldn't listen. Don't say you're sorry for leaving him, just tell him it's finished, you've met someone else that you love. Sometimes cruelty, though honest, is the best policy, especially with ceasing a relationship. It won't matter if he 'hates' you initially, you won't be there when or if he 'curses' you. Unless you work with him, that could make things really complicated. However, if that's the case, I'll be here to help you work through that one, too.

Bubble89 · ‎27-01-2016

When you think about it leaving whilst he is at work is probably the best option i never really looked at it from that point of view!

Ive thought about it alot since i seen your reply this afternoon Pipsy..moving on is going to be better for both of us in the long run.....And to put a spin on things ive been texting the other guy today and he tells me that he wants to get more serious like a relationship,renting a house together etc! I couldn't give him a reply..Do you think jumping into a new relationship straight away would be right?

Dont get me wrong i have feelings for him and i could see myself in a relationship with him but dont know if its the right thing at the moment

pipsy · ‎27-01-2016

Hi Bubble. I think you need time to re-establish who you are and what you want out of life in general. If you move straight into a new live-in relationship, you may be jumping from the frying pan into the fire. You've only just met this guy, you don't know him. I would be very hesitant about living with someone you don't know. It would be better to live on your own for a while, get to know this new guy, find out more about him. Courting is more fun when you don't live together. If you have a 'spat' and you decide he's not the 'one', you then have to move again. If you live separately and you decide he's not for you, you've still got your independence. I realise living alone could be a bit scary, but it's better to live alone, than in uncertainty. Too many people make the mistake of 'living together' because they're scared to live alone. They find out they've made a huge mistake and have to face the daunting fact of packing again. If he is the 'one' you'll have a wonderful life together.

Good luck whatever you decide.