Lied to my girlfriend and she'll never forgive me

[Snozzcumbers]

Hi everyone,

When I (25) first started dating my GF (29) 3 years ago I lied to her and told her I was not a virgin, she told me she was. In retrospect I thought it made me strange, I was insecure about it and didn't want to to think I'm a wierdo and I hurt he doing this which was selfish.

After we both had sex for the first time I told her the truth, I was infact a virgin. The entire time before this it was seething through me that I had told her the lie, and I didn't know how to tell her the truth, so I just blurted it out after we had sex the first time. She was not immediately upset at the time, it was some time later that it came up that she was very upset over my lie.

We talked it over at the time, we were both very emotional, and I promised her I would never lie to her again and I would do whatever it takes and wait as long as it took for her to trust me again. I've kept the promise for 3 years.

Today it came up again that I had done this in the past and she told me she hasn't and thinks she never will forgive me for what I did. We had a conversation and the following points are what I understand to be her point of view:

• Cheating is as bad a lie as this is and she would break up with me if I had cheated.

• She says I'd break up with her if the tables were turned. (no way in hell I would)

• It has been 3 years and she still has not forgiven me and is angry about it, so she thinks she will never get over it.

• She thinks we only continue the relationship because it is convenient and easy. She is young so she could just replace me with someone else.

I don't know how to go forward from here. I've never lied to her since and have tried my hardest to live my life according to what I think is virtuous. She still is hurt by what I did and thinks I'm replaceable, which hurts more than anything anyone has ever told me.

What do I do? Have any of you had similar experiences?

[Juliet_84]

Hi snozzcumbers,

I have been in a similar situation and had a man lie to me about not being a virgin before we slept together, when in fact he was. He came clean afterwards and I forgave him as I understand why he did it. Things are different for men, society places much more of an emphasis on sex and being experienced for men, and so it is something that a lot of men are self-conscious about. I think you need to explain to your girlfriend that you weren’t being malicious, you were self-conscious and embarrassed and told her when you were ready. I think if she doesn’t understand that, then she is not very sympathetic and may not be the right person for you. Things happen in life, not everything is so black and white, and it would concern me if my partner deliberately misconstrued my actions or was committed to misinterpreting things. This was not a lie of deception but one of embarrassment.

[Snozzcumbers]

Thank you Juliet, hearing another person's perspective is really helpful.

I have explained to her in the past that the expectations put on men by society are different and it wasn't just random that I was insecure about this particular thing. Her response is always that she is nothing like those other people and she did nothing to make me think that she was. She is right about that, but I only knew her for a few months at that point, I didn't understand or appreciate her entirely yet.

[Juliet_84]

Hi snozzcumbers,

I see her point that she may not be like that, but anxiety doesn’t work like that. It takes time to get to know a person, to have someone not reject you when you tell them things and slowly build up trust in them over time. Most people don’t just trust someone 100% when you first meet them, they have to earn it over time. This very situation is what you were trying to avoid I’m sure. I’m not a fan of lying in a relationship, but I think this is different and extremely minor in the scheme of things. You have done everything you can to prove to her that you are trustworthy and have given her no reason to think otherwise. If she is still going to refuse to get over this issue then that’s on her, and it may be a sign of things to come. I’m glad I could give you another perspective and wish you all the best x

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Absolutely fabulous posts from Juliet.

Most people forget that us humans make mistakes for a variety of reasons.

I had an intimate relationship for 6 years. When I finally met my first wife she asked if I'd had sex before...instead of saying "only woth the one person" I said "only once". It was unintended. I never revealed the truth and although I had guilt, I never regretted it. Our life before we met the person is largely irrelevant though some want to know everything, I dont agree with that.

If she continues to be unforgiving reconsider your compatibility.

TonyWK

[Hang10]

Hi Snozzcumbers,

Everyone lies at some stage, sometimes in a harmless kind of way where we are embarrassed if we tell the truth.

I say that she has lied to you at some stage I find it nearly impossible to believe that she never told a little fib to you.

I think no one can be perfect. I can tell in your post you love her so much and have been good to her. If she keep this dark cloud on you maybe this is not healthy for your well being.

I think she needs to look at your view and not stereotype view. If she expects you to be perfect you will find it hard to have long term happiness.

I hope she softer on you as you sound like you be there for her always. She needs not to take that for granted.

Take care.

Hang10.