Letting go of someone but keep connected thru the process.

EthanCC · ‎07-09-2019

Hi Peeps. Hopefully I've put this in the right forum.

I'll be straight up and be to the point. For the last couple of years I've been in an extramarital affair. The 2 of us had been good friends for many years before it started as we have shared many common interests and friends (we still do due to group gathering/Kids etc). It all started because we admitted our feelings (we both had feelings for a while but kept to ourselves) and since that day we have had this emotional and physical connection. I would say we discover more, it has been very intense connection and multiple levels of chemistry. During these times we have always knew that this would have to end due to our commitments and obligations, we promised each other we would leave this together, get us thru the low down and become friends again. We have tried this multiple times and we come running back to each other.

We have come to a point now we're we both know it's becoming too toxic and its causing us lots of guilt, stress and anxiety. We are both going to therapy to sort out own lives and not lean on each other. During this period we were having a transparent talk on ceasing all communication for a while so we can try to let each other go, grieve and one day able to be friends. 1 point which was bought up and discussed was if we kept communicating (But no meet ups, no emotional chatting, keep it all straight and legit with less frequency/intensity) so we can support each other in the let go phase and become friends. This was discussed because we have been supportive, transparent and understanding during our friendship and the affair, this includes all the good times and bad times. We always had a strong foundation.

My question is had anyone been thru or tried breakup/let go phase in this communicative scernio, still able to have restricted communication and able to get thru it and become friends? If so how did it all go and the feelings generated within yourself. Was it successful or was it a mistake? I know you majority would say cease all connection for a while, but for both of us this has been so intense that that 1 big cut is just to harsh for us as we been our lean to's for many things. We are very committed to become friends again and be strong enough to know not to cross the line and go back to our lives we are committed to before it all started. Thanks you in advance :-)

white knight · ‎08-09-2019

HI, welcome

Thankyou for your frank and honest post. I don't, unfortunately have an answer for you, I wish I did.

I do however have the empathy to understand the heartbreak you both are feeling with such a strong connection.

In 195 I married for the first time. My brother in law I matchmade to a lady that was friends of my wife. They were married 20 years. I was married 11 years before divorce. I then lived with another lady for 10 years.

In the end we both ended up single and...married. So love finds a way sometimes, a long time down the track.

But when I was 21yo I fell in love and she unfortunately had an old flame that she continued to see. I learned 4 years as a defacto relationship that she was having an affair with him. She broke it off but insisted she remain friends with him. That never worked for me and after 6 years we split. 20 years later we bumped into each other. She had married another fellow a few years ago. I asked her if she was still seeing her long lost love that she couldn't remove her life from...she didn't answer, I knew the answer.

Sometimes there is that lifelong connection that is not so easy to remove.

If in your situation, I guess try different forms of communication, facebook messaging, phone messages etc. In my heart I am pessimistic.

I wish you all the best and it is promising you both as in therapy.

TonyWK

paddyanne · ‎08-09-2019

Hi EthanCC. This situation you find yourself in is tricky and possibly messy to say the least. I was married back in the late 60's. We parted after only 18 or so months due to his being LGBT (back then it was simply known as Gay). I had no idea of this till well after we married and had had a daughter. I discovered it just after my son was born. We parted, but did manage to remain civil to each other. I eventually met and lived with partner no 2. He was separated from his wife and daughter. We stayed together 3 years, parting through many alcohol fuelled fights. I have since remarried twice and both those marriages ended. This chap never remarried but I never forgot him or our life together. I reconnected with him about 3 years ago. His life had gone one direction, mine another. I now know I could never get back with him as we have grown so far apart. Being friends or trying to maintain a friendship with a past love is okay, providing no-one gets hurt or caught up in a situation that no-one wants. If you both have married or committed yourself to another partner, you owe that partner the promise you made to not hurt, or betray them. If this woman you had the affair with is still married and her husband is unaware of the connection between you, he is the innocent victim in this triangle. Both of you need to re-evaluate your connection and make sure you're both on the same page, her husband is aware and doesn't feel threatened your wife/partner feels the same. Usually when a couple parts there's animosity and a lot of rage. Once the dust settles and you have both calmed down, remaining friends is great, but can be difficult if one of you wants slightly more than the other. Being 'just good' friends with a past love can be tricky because the possible need to further the friendship is still there.

EthanCC · ‎09-09-2019

Hi All. Thanks for your replies to date. Just to put in some clarity both AP and I are married and have kids of our own. Apart from the situation we are in - We are in a same group of friends and our own married partners know each other too. To make it more complex the AP's partner was one of my best men at my wedding and vice versa. So for me I have a great deal of guilt.....To have the affair both myself and AP had many reasons which lead us down the garden path and maybe now a deep rabbit hole. You would say we built another life for each other (when time permits for us to be together) which became part of reality and escapism if it makes sense. The reason why the affair has occurred I will not disclose but the reason we need to let it go is due to many negative things which have popped up, to mix this relationship with everything else in our live is just too much. Too many balls to toss and this has to drop since its the most wrong (what society see's it), dangerous and damaging. One of the discussed reasons why we still communicate during the letting go phase is due to the intensity of the affair. When that AP has been the first and last person you speak to everyday for the last couple of years - Then just to turn it all off creates a massive void in our lives and part of me wants me to stay communicating (even if a couple of legit messages a day) so there is a sense of support and knowing we are still around - We promised we would help each other get thru this. I know if I stayed i'll eventually be transparent to AP again about my feelings and asking to see AP which may rekindle. I'm not a person who can hold back feelings, I've been transparent since day 1 - The other part of me is to cease all communication for a while so we can both find our own way letting each other go and also try to fix our lives back with our partners etc. At this point in time i'm considering to cut all communication because I don't have the strength to watch my AP slowly drift away from my life. I really don't want to watch this all unfold because it will be too painful for me and I'll will do something to escape from that thought. I'm currently suppressing my emotions to avoid dealing with the pain and uncertainty.....Suppose the crux of it all for me is that I'm scared once this process of letting go commences (when I continue with my therapist for guidance) that we may not able to be friends again and that would be heart breaking.

MissBenthos · ‎09-09-2019

Hi Ethan,

I believe the ambiguity of letting go but not really letting go could be making the process even more difficult. There’s so many layers to this, I feel stuck even thinking for advice, any path will leave hurt. What does your ideal world look like - if you could have anything? What would you have to do to get there?

EthanCC · ‎09-09-2019

I know this sounds bad, but the AP and I don't regret having the affair because the connection we got is not something you cant ask, demand or even buy - Its has all been natural and very little compromise since day 1. Obviously the flip side for me to it all is the damage I'm doing to myself and family/friends around me. You name it snappy, anxiety, emotionally tired, feeling distant and stressed/not committed to my business has all hit me in waves especially the last couple of months. AP and I know that we will not going to separate from our halves due to many reasons and the wider damage this would inflict (I don't think we would want to even talk about this until we have put in a good shot at fixing up our own relationships with our halves, because we haven't really tired). We both know this has to be done before this gets exposed (no one knows) - Its just how its done I suppose. At this point in time I wish I could skip the entire let go phase and be in a place where I know the AP is my friend with good foundations and she is happy where ever that she see's fit (because happiness is subjective to a person) I truly have her best interest at heart because I care as it part of my nature. I want to be in a place where I'm not constantly in a negative mood, causing my partner grief because of my moods and more attentive to my kids. Half the time i'm there but i'm not really there. This all clouds over me.......Therapy has helped to give me some perspective of why I went thru the affair and how it affects an individual. I have been advised to cut connection so I can can discover the let go process phase. The phase I'm scared because its the unknown to be totally honest. Also knowing to go to this phase I'll slip into deeper despair for a period of time where it could lead me to do things to eleveate those feelings....I suppose your right either way I can't win and there will be hurt....

MissBenthos · ‎09-09-2019

It sounds like you’re not ready to let go. Even the way you’re writing “we” as though you’ll be going through the letting go process together. I can feel your pain. I wish I had a better answer for you. Do you feel that therapy is leading you in the right direction? Is what you really want to let go of AP or to let go of something else in your life? I don’t mean to contradict what you’re doing in therapy, in the long run following the path that will bring you the least amount of regret will be better than an answer that someone else tells you is right. Letting go of AP may well be the right decision for you. Only you know.