Is this an unhealthy relationship?

[Autumn_]

Hi All,

I have a tendency of getting into emotionally abusive relationships and this is something I am currently working through in therapy.

I am in a relationship currently which is definitely healthier than my past relationships but lately there has been some behaviour which I’m unsure whether I should be concerned about.

I’m posting this because I have trouble discerning what is acceptable in relationships, so I was hoping to get some insight.

1. he spends all of his free time playing video games. Today he had a bad day, said two words to me, and hopped straight onto his console.

2. Semi-related to the above, he doesn’t help me with any responsibilities around the house. He has lived in my house for about a year now. He works full-time, and I work part-time and study.

3. he jokes about everything. I quite like this, but sometimes the jokes hurt my feelings. I tell him this but he continues to make the same jokes. For example, whenever he proof reads one of my assignments, he always starts by saying “alright, let’s see how much of a mess I have on my hands” but then insists it is a joke.

Now that I’m writing this, I feel pretty silly and these things are clearly bad. The issue is, however, all of my close girlfriends have similar complaints about their partners (or worse) so it’s hard to assess what’s normal and what isn’t 😞

Thanks in advance for your advice and support ♥️ I don’t know where I would be without BB!

[White_Rose]

Hello Autumn

Thanks for your thread. It is difficult to decide what is abuse and what is carelessness in these sorts of situations. My husband had some similar traits which, like your partner's, seemed only serve to make him look good. I used to get my husband to proof read my assignments because it can help to have a fresh pair of eyes. He constantly wanted me to add different topics despite me saying the assignments were not about what he wanted to say. Not to mention the need to keep to a word limit. I simply stopped asking him to proof read. The worst statement he made was that his name should be on the degree with mine because he had done so much of the work. To say I was flabbergasted is an under statement. He was quite serious. When I refused to use his ideas he would say I should not ask his advice if I wasn't going to use it. I said I was not asking advice, rather proof reading for typos etc.

In the end I feel it was a form of bullying. A put down for me because I was completing the degree part time as well as working full time and caring for four children. If this was the only thing he did I suppose I would have ignored it and stayed with him. Unfortunately comments/put downs like this were normal and I got fed up of being made to look stupid or lazy and I left when the children left home. I think it was a good decision.

I agree with the other posters. It doesn't matter what your friends think or put up with. It's your decision what you do or do not accept in a relationship. If there are red flags then think them through.

Mary

[Elizabeth CP]

I agree that the issue is not others opinions but how it affects you.Sometimes it is hard to explain things in a way that encourages change. He is used to living a certain way & doesn't see the damage this is doing to you. Have you thought of getting professional help to deal with your feeling & help sort out what is happening.

Some time ago my husband & I were struggling. I was under a lot of stress & his reaction to my pleas for help escalated the situation leaving me feeling resentful as well as guilty for overreacting. I discussed the situation with my psych so I was able to clarify for both myself & him what was going wrong. We then had a session with my husband (initially he saw my psych on his own so he could be open rather than restricted by my presence) We then all met together with the psych helping us come to agreements of what to do. It isn't always easy I have agreed to give my husband a warning so he knows when I'm getting really upset & he has to respond appropriately as he agreed. This has made a massive difference because he understands now how badly his actions affected me.

If he refuses to cooperate & do his part after a neutral professional has helped him understand your needs then you know you've done your best & he is not the right person for you. hopefully instead he understands & can be more supportive.

[Autumn_]

Thanks Geoff. I agree, even some help would be great (even if it’s not completely 50/50).

White Rose - I completely empathise with your post. My partner is pushy with how I should write my assignments, and has made comments which essentially take the credit for my grades. Fortunately, the comments haven’t transcended into outright put downs, however, it is concerning it might in the future.

Thanks Elizabeth! I am in counselling myself. I think it has helped me a lot with speaking up for myself, because I was previously a prolific “caregiver”. I’ve suggested couple’s counselling and he said he won’t attend - he says we should be able to sort our problems out myself. I don’t necessarily agree and believe a mediator would be a great help, but I’ve asked a few times and the answer is always no.