Is there hope?
First time posting here.
My husband came home a week ago and told me that he doesn't love me anymore. I am absolutely shattered. We have a 5 month old and only bought our first home 5 1/2 months ago. He has told me he has been feeling like this for a while. I don't know that to think or do. I love him as much as what he has said has hurt me and I want to try and sort things out. What are steps that I can take to try and help the situation?
Hello Thunder212 and welcome to the forums,
Saying your husband's comment is a bombshell is an understatement! Have you much support offline apart from him (any family or friends who can help as well as writing here?).
A baby changes the dynamics of a relationship entirely. He says he has felt like this for a while... Does that correspond with becoming pregnant at all? It is worth talking about with him.
As a mum of two under 5 I know when kids arrive we can become so focused on our responsibilities as parents we forget that our relationship is important too.
Even though you are hurting now it is worthwhile asking someone to watch bub for.a few hours and sitting down with hubby to talk.
When he says he doesn't love you does that mean he is looking elsewhere or there is someone else? It is a fair question for you to ask. Also what does he want or expect to change? And does he want to even try to reconnect? Hard questions but important ones.
After all if you want to try and improve your relationship he also has to want this and be willing. Otherwise he is wasting your time.
I think expectations are another vital discussion (and one my husband and I argue about often). If he has expectations which you aren't able to meet it is not fair of him to demand it. Marriage with kids is a constant compromise and he also has to be willing to give and change. It is frustrating to find as a parent you lose independence and freedom and life is no longer solely about what you want and need. But that is life as a parent.
An example of my own is hubby expecting a silent house after night shift. A fair need but it means the kids (4 and 5 years old) and I have to leave the house at 6am for the whole day because he is a light sleeper. The unreasonable part is him getting angry if I spend money in this time. One day or even two is ok but if you have to leave at 6am for 4 or 5 days straight it means paying for fuel or food or something! I told him to change his roster or learn to sleep with earplugs but I cannot meet his demands.
What has helped is remembering to make time just for us as a couple. Not just for sex and intimacy but also for everyday fun. Before kids we used to play card and board games. Not fun for others perhaps but it was nice to sit at the table and drink, bicker about rules, cheat when the other wasnt looking, compete and above all to laugh and flirt. What was something you used to enjoy doing together?
I hope you can find a way to reconnect.
He has told me that there isn't anyone else. I have already asked that question. I don't have family that I can talk this through with my parents are very judgemental and I feel they will only pester me and ask questions and make it even harder at this point in time and will want answers to questions that I don't even know the answers to at this point in time. I am an only child also so makes it hard. I do have a few friends but I am pretty much on my own and that is something that scares me if things don't work out.
When I've asked him if he wants to try and work it out he says he's not sure. I honestly don't think he knows what he wants at the moment, which is so hard for me as essentially my life and future is in his hands at the moment and I have absolutely no control over it at all.
We also used to like playing board games and also photography. I have asked several times since our child was born if he would like to have a game but he has declined.
One thing that hurts the most is the fact that I was stupid enough to not see any of this coming and that I have been played and will be the one left heartbroken and alone for the rest of my life.
I completely understand that relationships are a 2 way street and I'm not at all saying that I have no part in this issue, but I have been blind sighted by this.
I would like for us to go and see a counsellor about this, but I'm not sure if he really wants to, he wouldn't give me much of an answer. He keeps saying I get defensive at things he says, yet I feel he gets defensive and almost angry at my actions and words. But I just go along with him to keep the peace.
He barely responds to my text messages now. How long should I let him have space for before I actually request things get done about reaching a decision?
Hi Thunder, thanks for posting your thread and I'm very sorry for what has happened.
When people have depression, although this hasn't been mentioned, they tend to come home and say 'they don't love you anymore', because there is no feeling of love, this illness stops anybody from loving.
They also want to move out and when he says 'been feeling like this for a while' could only mean that he has been hiding this depression for a long time, pretending to be OK.
He would be reading your text messages, so try and give him time before you 'request things get done'
I did wonder if this may be the case as he has suffered from depression in the past as when he was a teenager he did try to commit suicide.
I just don't know how to try and help when I feel he constantly pushing me away and also doesn't seem to care about me anymore. This is so hard to see and so hard for me to keep pushing on through. Any suggestions on how I can help or make this better or even survive this situation myself. I obviously am trying to stay strong for my baby, but am finding it harder and harder to keep composed.
How are you feeling now? I know things are hard from what I have read. A baby and a new house is an extremely stressful for you both.
We migrate to Victoria 4 years ago with a 5 months old. New place and settled down down was not easy. Especially when we were on a single income at the time. It could be a totally different scenario but maybe the stress have gotten to him? I knew it was almost at the breaking point then. As my exhusband still cannot get his bearing to be a parent and loosing his old life style. Life was totally different when dating or baby. He is an amazing dad now thou.
I am an introvert so expressing how I really feel was hard, but I did sat him down and we had a talk (yelling, tears and all that) but the most important thing is that now that you are a mum, you will be an amazing one. Be strong and love yourself and your kid. I know baby blue suck big time and I was still an emotional reck at that time too.
Take care, hope things will work out.