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Is my husband cheating?

Jane17
Community Member

3 weeks ago my husband (39) lost his job along with several others from his work. Another girl (22) was also made redundant. Since then they have developed a 'messaging' relationship and have seen each other at least 2-3 times a week. We have a 3 year old daughter going to day care while i am attemting to work from home and now they both have spare time.

I have snuck a look at his phone to attemt to understand the nature of their relationship. for the first 2 weeks they were sending hundreds of memes to each other a day but after bringing it up this has reduced slightly.

Tonight i was suffering major anxiety after he spent the afternoon with her - (told to me because i asked). After he fell asleep i went to look at his phone and he had changed the password.

He claims they are just friends, and admits that it has been a bit full on because of the circumstances (covid/ iso). She has a boyfriend however from the messages i read they are not happy.

Ive asked him to cut it off but he said he really clicks with her and wants her as a friend. I can't sleep and im racked with anxiety... what do i do?

7 Replies 7

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Jane, it's not easy to post a comment like this and we hope that we can help you.

Once you question whether or not your husband is cheating on you, then everything he does or doesn't do may create tension between the two of you and that's understandable.

If we have contact with another person, the same sex or the opposite gender, we wouldn't be concerned if we knew they had been friends for a long time or had asked each other about a difficult situation, but as soon as something like this happens suddenly, we begin to worry, whether or not this should happen, however, different circumstances may alter this.

She may be wanting some advice on what her b/friend is doing and they could be separated from each other due to the COVID-19 virus.

I know that isn't doing your anxiety any good and there are indications when he gets home, late or not, such as having a shower as soon as he gets home, plus other signs.

You have our attention and hope to hear back from you.

Geoff.

Betternow
Community Member

Good morning Jane

I fully understand your concerns here and I don’t believe they are misplaced. It’s impossible for us to say whether your husband and his co worker are having a physical affair. Nevertheless, it sounds like it may have reached the stage of an emotional affair.

In my view your husband is probably flattered he is receiving the attention of a 22 year old girl and the covid 19 and employment circumstances have reinforced their relationship with a “specialness”.

It should not be up to you to have to enforce the rules of the marriage. The minute you say, “I’m not comfortable with you text messaging this young girl umpteen times everyday and I’d like it to stop now”, that should be good enough for your husband to cease contact immediately.

Your boundaries on what you are prepared to accept is all that matters here. I think you have been reasonable so far in this matter. Talk to your husband again, and ask him how he would feel if you were sending and receiving hundreds of text messages daily from a 21 year old male co worker.

Good luck Jane.

Hi Jane17.

I am so sorry to hear about this and hope that your are staying as good to yourself as can be.

It's really tough to fathom any type of unloyalty and when insecurities arise, our minds become uncontrollably lost. Try to separate the clouds of emotions and look after you. Your are the most important (including your little one).

I agree with BetterNow and his behavior is unacceptable. Your marriage is not a dust-bin and if you have told him that you do not feel comfortable with his texting regime, then you both need to come up with some actions so that he doesn't trigger your emotions. He needs to understand this and if not, he is obviously in need of some counselling.

People who want to jump ship have uncontrollable emotional issues (obviously depending on the situation) so if he is getting attention else ware, you both need to work on changing up your routines.

Hi ... .I don't think it's okay what he's doing.
He's pretty capable of limiting his communication to her - he has a great reason - he's married!!

Hi, welcome

I agree with the replies.

Furthermore, if this continues you can hire a private investigator. I’ve been one for 18 years. You’ll get a report with details that could answer your questions.

Nevertheless he should cease this relationship now.

TonyWK

Sorry, I am unsure what you mean or have not understood your response.

My apologies for not understanding.

No problem. My response was directed to the original poster, about her husband. Thanks