Is he guilt tripping me?

[Lotus_85]

Hey, so I was asked by my friends at work to go away for a night to do a wine tasting and check out the markets and stuff. (wine isn't my thing, but i don't mind the markets from time to time). I told my husband and he didn't say anything... fast forward a day, he casually mentions thats it weird that i would want to go coz it doesn't really sound like my thing.

I said the vineyard would be cool to look at and stuff and its more hanging out with the girls than anything.

He said well its still weird. Going when its not my thing. (i have mentioned checking out these particular market several times over the years, never been btw)

When I reiterated thats its not weird, and they invited me so i was thinking about it.

Then it turned, "so you will make an effort to do something with them you dont like, but when we went on the boat you layed there all miserable coz you didn't want to be there".

I layed on the boat tanning my legs while him and my eldest had the shits with each other, didn't want a bar of either of them that day. He then goes on to tell me about how he is making all this effort in our relationship, he suggested we do coffee dates on Saturday, that was his suggestion (like it doesnt matter we are both doing it to try and better us, just that it was his idea). and what have i done, nothing. i had mentioned i would like to go to the pub at some point and chill with the tunes with him, but we cant afford to be doing that shit so i dont ask. he throws that in my face that i never make an effort to ask him to do that stuff. Now we are fighting over him making more effort than me, meanwhile he gets smex several times a week (when i have zero smex drive or desire of any kind), i force myself to do it. but thats just a requirement of a relationship, and i just make him feel shit when he asks if i want to do something and i say "no, but we can if you want". not shit enough that he says no, just tells me about it our next argument.

but anyway, now i dont even wanna go, i dont wanna go to the work xmas party, i dont wanna go anywhere with anyone. this was my whole life up until the last 5yrs or so when i fought back a lil and had the fight in order to do things. but now i just cant.

He never tells me i cant go out with friends, just makes me not want to, or makes me feel like a sh1t gf who hates him and prefers them so i feel so guilty that i dont go. His whole M.O. our whole life.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Among the greatest requirement for a happy relationship of trust can be things like freedom, obligation, basic expectations and care.

Freedom with trust is an amazing thing to have with your partner. This means to live your life without being joined at the hip with activities. Imagine a survey done at the wine tasting event with your girlfriends the key question asked of "how did your partner react when you told him you were attending here today"? Imagine a GF saying "no problem, he has his golf with his mates and I do these things" only for you to sit there hurt because you haven't such freedoms?

So yes that has to be sorted out. The other topic I noticed however is the common trait of not sticking to the topic. I call it the flower to weed problem. Meaning, flowers restricted to a pot can be weeded but weeds in a garden spread. Both of you need to acknowledge that past issue between you should be done and dusted and bringing them back up when you have your latest argument will never find the foundations of happiness. Him using a totally different example to justify his dissatisfaction for you attending a GF event is, well, not right. However, bringing in your regularity of sex (in this post so its on your mind)  is not ideal either. All these issues should be tackled separately and if no result of satisfaction then a counsellor is needed.

Relationships can hold complexities that point towards future separation. IMO from your post it would benefit you greatly to seek such counselling and nip it in the bud. The following link might also help if you both adhered to its rules.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/relationship-and-family-issues/relationship-strife-the-peace-pip...

TonyWK

[ChrissyStar]

Hi,

I'd like to share about my experience.  I hope it helps you, Lotus_85.  I hope it helps you, dear reader.  

I have been in what I initially believed to be a relationship for around 15 years now & we have a 2yr old child.  When we first met, the sex was unbelievable & on a totally new level to what I had previously experienced.  I thought to myself "He is the one." 

Soon it changed.  We were not as intimate & I attempted to initiate...I soon stopped this as he became very cold & quite unfriendly.  I found it frustrating, but learnt to live with it (because it had been so amazing previously). 

Years passed & we were intimate very occasionally.  When we did, he would apologise the whole time & finish quickly... & said things like "It's okay, don't worry about it.".  Over time, I noticed a pattern = it was a one-way street (he was in control). 

The last time, it finally became clear - he doesn't care about me at all.  It is all about him.  I literally lay there like 'a sack of potatoes' & he didn't even notice/care.  I thought to myself, "I don't like this.  I don't wish to be intimate with this person anymore."

I can now see that we are not in a relationship - because my opinions, my wishes, my desires...who I am isn't something he is interested in knowing about, talking about...he's got no interest at all.  It is all about him.  It is not a relationship - there is no two way street, nothing is being related between us...it is a dictatorship dressed up as a relationship.

I can now see how much destruction this has done to me - particularly my career & social network.

I can now see the damage being done to our child.

I don't see myself as a woman - I see myself as a person.  I don't see him as a man - I see him as a person.  The personal, relationship & cultural destruction which ensues when gender is associated = it's a war.  The dichotomy has created a war - power struggles, separation, death of respect, of our life together.  And in his case - of him as an individual personality.  (I can now see that his whole life is related to gender - his attitude, his choices, what he voices...what he sees, who he sees (talks to or associates with)....how he parents.)

If I try to talk about it - he gets abusive.  If I honour myself, if I try to relate - he gets abusive.  He is a victim of the gender divide & toxic masculinity.  So am I.  So is our child.

This isn't a relationship.  This is survival on a battlefield (with only one side fighting) – dominating, enforcing, standing-over.

I can’t live here anymore.  But I can’t afford a place of my own.  I asked for help from my parents & brother.  They think I’m a trouble maker & that there’s something wrong with me.  We managed four days at my parents once, but their daggers caused stress & my child stopped eating – we had to return.

I am now working diligently to get my career to a particular point...to improve my financial situation & get out of this hell-hole.  I’ll leave as soon as I can.  Hopefully that is soon.

Yes, I have to repair what I can in my child's psyche daily.

Yes, I have to protect my child daily.

Yes, it is hard.

And yes – it is happening everywhere!  So many of us are at different places with it.  It's where our culture is currently at, how it's evolving & changing.  We're healing & getting better everyday.  And it is people like me & you who are at the forefront of it all. 

Be proud.  Be you.  I appreciate you.  Thank you for sharing, inspiring & reminding me today.  I really needed it!   

[therising]

Hi Lotus_85

I think the most challenging part of a relationship is when we begin asking questions like 'What's wrong with this relationship? What's wrong with me? What's wrong with him/her/them? Why can't we just get along?' and the list goes on. After 21 years of marriage, I've found a lot can come down to what I've found to be a key question, when things aren't feeling or appearing too flash. The question is 'What am I settling for?'. Personally, I found this to be a question that's altered my level of consciousness in a lot of ways...

• Am I settling for a relationship that's actually depressing, stressing or upsetting me?
• Am I settling for what feels kinda soul destroying in some way?
• Am I settling for a low bar as far as relationships go? While genuinely being grateful for what we have, like a roof over our heads, a lifestyle that promotes reasonably good health, a comfortable amount of money etc, the question becomes 'What about the things above and beyond that bar?', like adventure, a lot of laughs, exploring new ways to develop the relationship and so on
• Am I settling for not evolving beyond who I've always been? Am I starting to really feel the need or urge to develop myself in some new way but my partner's much happier if I settle for the old and comfortable ways he/she/they prefer?

I won't go on with what can potentially be a long list of things we can find our self settling for.

My husband would be thrilled if I could settle for or resettle into our old relationship. I'm rather unsettled these days and have been for a while. While he'd be happy with us doing what we used to do in the beginning - spending evenings watching tv, having a few drinks every night, going out for lunch once a week within a 5km radius and always going to the same holiday destination (to visit his parents interstate while staying with them), I'd much prefer to have fascinating conversations instead of watching tv, have an evening that didn't involve him drinking, venture to far off lands for lunch and explore holidays I can only dream of. I have a higher bar these days, for myself. I'd be taking myself off to that winery. 😊

[white knight]

Hi Chrissystar

I'm very interested in replying to your post that covered this post by Lotus.

Humans can be vastly different. As a tall, broad shoulder guy with a past or defence services, prison warder and so forth people see me as some sort of tough character, I dont like what I see in some of them. 

The side I cant tolerate is the dominant, ego driven, threatening individual that is self centred in most ways, his needs to be met and their partner's needs are less important.

Anyways, your accommodation problem is at hand and with the current rental crisis will make things difficult. I'm wondering if you can see yourself in a position to purchase a small to medium campervan for the time being? A weekly rental at a caravan park (you might need to move every 2 months to another one for a week then back again such is the law) so it provides you with flexibility until you can establish yourself. Then its a form of holiday equipment. 

Anyway thankyou for responding to Lotus. Best of luck

TonyWK