insecurity in relationships
hi, im a 23yo Female in a year long relationship. i have experienced anxiety and depression all through my adolescence and although i have learnt to manage my emotions better; i fear that being in a relationship has caused a huge spike in unhealthy behaviours and patterns which i am finding difficult to navigate. the first 6 months of our relationship was relatively calm for me. i think because it took me such a long time to let my guard down i was always keeping him at arms length. i hadn't allowed myself to be vulnerable. i had convinced myself that if things were to end, i wasn't as invested and maybe it wouldn't hurt as much. as time has gone on, I've realised how much i do love him and want this to work, but my anxiety has reached a point where its causing significant doubts about us. i was in a horrible relationship 5 years ago, which caused me some ptsd, and those same behaviours that i was exhibiting then has started to surface again. i am lacking trust in my partner. i have caught him out lying about a few things, and also "withholding" information. as much as i try to let it go and move past it, i cant. he has never given me the passcode to his phone, and honestly, i don't want it 'to snoop." i think that knowing it would give me some peace of mind about his trustworthiness. its the fact that he doesn't open snapchats around me. or text people in front of me. if he leaves the room he always takes his phone with him etc. his phone is always face down. i have mentioned this numerous times that it makes me uncomfortable and he always apologises and says he's just a private person. which may be true. but i cant shake those niggly little fears. eating away at me. this relationship is bringing out the most disgusting, jealous parts of me that i cant stand. i am always obsessing about who he's talking to, when he was last active on fb, or instagram. every time i hear his phone buzz, it physically makes me sick and i instantly get full of so much anxiety and wonder who it could be messaging him. its so compulsive, and i cant stop feeling so insecure. its to the point where its so bad, its all i think about. it makes me upset for no reason, but i cant let it go. i don't know how to sustain a relationship whilst feeling like this and i also worry that those behaviours of his arent going to change either. i don't want to live in this space of fear and jealousy and anxiety. any thoughts would be much appreciated.
little indigo x
Thankyou for a detailed post
Although one could say your ptsd and bad memories is your problems, in a relationship it is the partners responsibility to calm you with reassurance.
Reassurance could come in the form of simple acts- leaving his phone face up, allowing you to view the screen and being less “private”. He is a “private person”... well you can be one and totally committed at the same time.
On the other hand your goals could include being more realistic with your thoughts and fears. Ask yourself constantly “is this realistic “? It is a transformation I carried out with therapy some 33 years ago that I still exercise.
I hope that helps and Reply anytime.
beyondblue topic anxiety, how I eliminated it
hey little indigo
how are you?
could it be possible that his behaviours of being so private and withholding could have legitmately made you feel jealous and anxious? A lot of us become very anxious in such cirumstances.
I've heard of the strongest and most successful women get very insecure when they suspect they are being lied to. I think it can happen to anyone, and that his behaviour triggered this because it was excessively secretive. He could've done more to make you feel at ease, so you wouldn't have a shred of doubt about his honesty.
I agree with Tony that not all partners will act like this, and he is just not a good enough person worthy of you. Stay strong