Insecurities in relationship

[hardquestions]

My girlfriend and I have had an on-and-off relationship with a lot of complications throughout. I recently (2 months ago) broke up with her because I was concerned that we were going in different directions in life etc, but quickly realised it was the wrong thing to do. 

We work together, and while we were apart (about 1 month), I noticed her showing interest in a colleague of ours and the colleague showing interest back. We went on a work outing, and the colleague was extremely flirtatious toward her (touching and leaning on her etc) and she has later told me that she did enjoy the attention. Her and I were starting to try and work things out again at the time, so it was pretty awful to have to watch it all happen. 

We spoke later about it all and she said that she enjoyed the attention from the colleague after feeling rejected by me, and one time while we were talking things over, I asked if she was interested or curious about the other girl and she said that she was. But that she wanted to fix things with us and be with me. 

We're doing okay at working on things, but it has obviously been hard. I am really struggling with feeling extremely insecure about them because the colleague doesn't (and can't) know that we're together (no one at work does) and so continues to be flirty with her at times. They often do night shift together (just them two) and work together a lot in the workplace etc. 

To add to this, it is now looking as though I will have to move interstate and she may not come, so we will have to do distance. She will stay at this workplace, and continue working with the colleague and going out to work things with her etc. 

I trust my girlfriend, and REALLY want to get over this but my brain just keeps going back to feeling extremely insecure about it all - I need some coping mechanisms and ways to help myself stop feeling this way. I feel like I'm constantly anxious and going insane!

Please, what can I do?

[nskye]

Hi hardquestions, 

Welcome to the forum, and thank you for sharing your story here!

It is very admiring of you to be aware of your thoughts and seek ways to cope better with your anxiety. That has shown how much you care and want to improve your relationship with your partner. If you don't mind me asking, were you also feeling quite anxious in your relationship before the breakup, or did this happen after the split? Because it seems that the separation plays a big part in triggering your emotions, leading you to your anxieties. I can relate to you because I felt the same way in my last relationship. Having your partner’s reassurance when you feel anxious or have doubts would help calm your anxiety. You can do this by continuing to communicate, be honest, respectful, and open with each other. Perhaps you and your partner can try to spend more quality time together and focus on creating a stronger bond with each other.

Besides that, it might also be helpful to note down your thoughts and feelings or try to practice mindfulness (meditation, breathing techniques) when you start feeling anxious. These are the techniques that worked well for me, so I hope they might be helpful for you as well. Suppose you don’t feel better after trying different ways; consider seeing a therapist to get professional support for your relationship, and your general well-being might be a good idea. It must be very hard on you to carry emotional distresses and anxieties on this matter, and the last thing you want is for that to affect your health. From my own experience, therapy has helped me to figure out healthy ways of self-regulating and understanding the reasons behind my thoughts/actions. 

I genuinely hope for the best for both of you moving forward xx

All the best, 

n

[sbella02]

Hey hardquestions,

Thank you so much for posting on our forums, welcome to the community. 

Your feelings are valid, and I understand why you must be feeling this way. As Nskye has said, it's important to have open communication in a relationship, especially when it comes to boundaries. Sometimes our partner may not know that their actions are making us feel a certain way, so it's important for us to be able to share when we may be feeling uncomfortable. I've been in a similar situation recently, where I wasn't aware of how my now ex-partner was feeling until after the fact, and we communicated about it and were able to overcome it.

Nskye has also suggested journalling, which I think is a fantastic idea. I keep a journal myself, which I write in periodically, and it's been super helpful to recognise how I'm feeling and what may be triggering certain emotional responses for me. 

If you want to find a way to relax when you're in a personal setting, ASMR or other relaxing videos on YouTube really tend to help me, as they can be a calming and welcome distraction sometimes. Even engaging in hobbies or exercising can help you overcome anxious feelings.

I hope this helps, please feel free to chat some more with us about how you're feeling, we'd love to support you.

SB