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insecure and hurt after my partner has lied AGAIN

mkgd_84
Community Member
I have no one to speak to so hopefully can get support here while I wait for my therapist to get back from leave. Long story short - I have been with my partner for 2.5 years and throughout the whole relationship he has lied to me about dating other women and chasing women on dating sites while being in the relationship. And although i know of one women he has had sex with while we have been together i have the biggest gut feeling he has slept with many others. Most recently I found out that he signed up for a casual sex dating site about 2 weeks ago. I confronted him and he flat out lied to my face saying he never signed on (even after showing him the profile with his face and display pics, two of which he had me cropped out of). And after he begged me to stay with him on the promise that he would organise couples counselling for us, I have now discovered that just last weekend he signed up for Zoosk dating site. Again I confronted him and he simply said "i don't have an account". I feel so wrecked and damaged emotionally. I have given this relationship 200% supporting him while he went off to study at the police academy for 8 months. I paid for his laptop, fed him when he was back from the academy, treated is son like my own. And still that wasn't good enough. I just feel so used and it is not a good feeling. Even now he says so convincingly "I love you so much. You are all I want" and it's as if he is not seeing the damage he is doing to me and it is also now affecting my son. I just needed to vent right now. Feeling so alone.
3 Replies 3

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Mkgd, can I offer you a warm welcome.

Being with your partner for 2.5 years and all he thinks about is online dating, to him, it seems that the grass is always greener on the other side, but you can't have your cake and eat it too, both these proverbs describe exactly how he is thinking.

You have treated this chap with love and affection only to be bitten by the hand that feeds him.

I don't need to say much more because none of this should ever happen in a relationship.

Don't let this happen, his promises will never come true, and I'm so sorry to say this after a 2.5 year relationship, and please I mean you no harm, but if he's doing it now then it will continue.

My best wishes.

Geoff.

Doolhof
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi mkgd_84,

Welcome to the community here. I'm certainly no expert here, but it does seem to me like your boyfriend is addicted to sex and I doubt anything will change him. I guess you have to ask yourself how long you will put up with his behaviour.

Couples counselling may help him realise what he is putting you through, but on the other hand if he can't see that what he is doing is considered as unacceptable to you, then he might not be willing or able to change.

If you do decide to leave him, do you have a safe place to go? Even if you wanted to leave for a while to make a statement, do you think that would change his behaviour?

Geoff has provided you with a very open response. I certainly don't know you or this man, but I do wonder if he will ever be able to change his character. You need to decide what is best for you and your son.

A phone support service like Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636 may be able to put you in touch with services in your area that could help you, or just to listen to your story and offer advice.

All the best, cheers to you from Dools

smallwolf
Community Champion
Community Champion

mkgd_84,

Hi. Welcome to beyond blue.

In your shoes, I would be angry also.I also do not condone any his actions.

You have invested all this time into your relationship, while he looks elsewhere. Doolhof also provided you with options also. I notice that you also used the word "confront" in your post. When I see that word, I also see hostility and anger. Again, perfectly reasonable. In that environment, I can also see how your partner might go on the defensive. It might be his way of dealing with the stresses in his life. Which is a nice segue-way to ...

A honest open out-pouring of the effect that his actions have on the relationship (without anger). Ask him WHY he does it? Why does he need to resort to dating sites etc.? What does he THINK is missing in the relationship, that makes him have to resort to dating sites?

I have referred to a book titled "he book of forgiving" by Desmond Tutu and Mpho Andrea Tutu, in other threads. It talks about 4 parts of forgiveness, including naming the hurt, telling the story, granting forgiveness and renewing or releasing the relationship. (And in granting forgiveness you are not letting the other person off the hook, but letting go of the hurt it causes you.) It is the last bit that I want to draw your attention. The conversation you have will name the hurt and tell the story. How you respond is up to you? Your partner has to commit to relationship. Does he really want to give it a go? Or do you go your separate ways? I cannot answer last question(s) for you.

Me... these conversations are important, because I can only make a decision once all the facts are presented. It would be his responses to whatever questions you put to him, will help you make that decision. And I think this is something he needs to be aware of also. His answers/actions will determine where the relationship goes.

Probably not a cheerful response, but I hope you got something out of it.

Tim