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Can't shake someone I've never met!

Community Member

I'll try and keep this short. I am very happily married etc, I love my wife to pieces. Just over a year ago I came across a plus size model on line and well pretty much fell in love with her. She lives in NY and well if you knew me, you'd realise this is so unlike me it's not funny. She has about 200,000 followers and men pay to see her post erotic videos of herself.

I've tried to shake thinking about this woman but whenever I do think about her I feel jealous of men with her and it feels like she should be with me. I've done on line counselling and nothing has helped. I've tried to stop looking her up on line and gone several weeks but I can't stop thinking about her, even a year on! It's making me incredibly down and no one else on line makes me feel like this..........I have so many questions of why and I would never 'pay' to see her erotic content etc

She travels a lot, her erotic videos etc pay for her travels and she makes a fortune from men, sometimes $16k a month! So she has no shortage of admirers but I can't shake her.........

She says she's travelling to Aus this year and I am fighting with myself not to see her.....she doesn't know I exist, we've exchanged messages but nothing erotic

I came very close to quitting my job and Aus and breaking my wife's heart and traveling to NY to see her.......even just for coffee and having some dumb idea she'd fall for me........

 God this really does my head in !!! I need to know how to eliminate her from my head, it feels like I'm looking up an ex

8 Replies 8

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Dear KKing

This is obviously making life very difficult for you. I can understand your confusion about this woman coming to Australia and your desire to see her. Sometimes the seeing the reality can totally change your mind but this is a dangerous game to play. You know the only way to manage this is to stay away from this woman. You say you have tried online counseling, but what about face to face counseling? I think this would be more effective as you can ask questions and have discussions in real time. Why not make an appointment with Relationships Australia to try and sort this out. Please get back to us.


Community Member

Hi K King,

Welcome to the forum!

I can tell you are a devoted husband and are considerate of your wife and of others. This is why these obsessive thoughts are concerning you, and why you have come to this forum. The attachment you feel towards this women you've never met is obsessive in nature, and makes me wonder whether you could have some form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). I have OCD myself, and have since the age of 13. I am almost 23, but only have mild symptoms now which don't negatively impact my life. If you don't mind me asking, do you have any other obsessive thoughts or tendencies that concern you?

I suggest going to your GP and asking for a referral to a counsellor or psychologist. This way, you can work through these persistent thoughts and urges, and find a way to redirect your thinking. Until you secure a professional appointment, keep in mind that trying harder to suppress these thoughts usually results in the thoughts coming back stronger. It is now widely known in the field of psychology that trying to suppress or stop thinking about something usually results in these thoughts becoming more persistent.

Make an appointment with your GP about a referral soon. Don't worry if going to your GP about this situation feels a bit unusual. You can explain to your doctor that thoughts of this woman are interfering with your life (it sounds like they truly are, but use your own words).

I really hope you can start to work through these persistent thoughts. You deserve to continue a happy marriage with your wife.

Best wishes,


Community Member

Huge thanks to SM and White Rose for the fantastic replies, I think you are right, I think I need face to face help over 'on-line' therapy. One therapist on line suggested  have a child with my wife to fix the problem, I'm no expert but I thought this was ridiculous.

Hi SM, not a problem with asking at all but I don't have any other OCD thoughts. I really don't understand the draw this woman has on me, I'm not actually lacking anything in my marriage. My wife adores me and I should be the most grateful guy, but sometimes I guess  I wouldn't know a good thing if it poked me in the eye!

I mean to quit my job, a good job at that, leave my house, destroy my marriage, destroy my wife's heart and for what?....to meet a woman who has hundreds of men a day tell her how beautiful she is, to be in NY and in my 40's I'd have no chance of a 'green card' for a woman who would think I'm a 'wacko' and could blame her.

I really feel like I'm talking about someone else here because as I've said, it's completely out of character and in my 14 years of being with my partner, I've never even kissed another woman!

Community Member


I know that obsessiveness.  I obsessed over someone I never met too.  Actually make that 3 people.   One of which was a singer.  I was 21 at the time. Even though he lived in Winnipeg Canada I was not deterred. Nor for him being married also - I was just going to kind of surprise him and make him love me.  Good thing my painful parents made things difficult in terms of identification for passport because i just about sold my soul for the airfare. I done things i would never do again - all for him.  He is too old for me now anyway and would probably drive me crazy but at the time i LOVED him and played his songs back to back.


I  have no advice but i relate.  


Community Member

Hi Simona, yes I get what you felt completely and some days are better than others for me....lately I've been going okay, not drawn to look her up etc but yesterday I saw her name searching for someone else and I didn't check out their facebook page but it's nearly drawn me in again!

I guess I'm more annoyed with myself because it's completely unlike me........I hope to look back on this one day and laugh lol

Community Member
Hi.  I too became attracted to an 'online' man who wrote me.  He told me all the things I needed to hear, like how beautiful I was etc.  He said he was from Brooklyn, but was heading to the Netherlands to set up a company.  He said he worked for a well know oil company.  He also said he was a minister for a Pentecostal church.  He proposed marriage after 'online' chatting for a couple of days.  He has just asked me for money as he claims he's unable to access his bankcard since going to the Netherlands.  He must think I came down in the last shower.  I am separated, but not that desperate that I would fall for such a line of rubbish.  These people frequently pray on the lonely, insecure, unsure people they think we are.  It is flattering I know to have someone say they're 'attracted' to us, but to propose marriage after talking for a couple of days.  Yes, you will look back and laugh, I have already.  I feel so sorry for the people who do fall for these lies and give them money.  It's easy to say they should be more careful, but when you're on your own, it's flattering to think we still attract the opposite sex.  Don't be annoyed, put it down to experience and be glad you didn't act on your impulse.      

Community Member

Many thanks for your kind words Pipsy x

I have certainly learned it's better if I just don't look up what they are up to anymore...thank god they never came onto me or I would have been on a plane and boy oh boy would that have been dumb

Community Member

KKing, I know this is an old post but I just came across it as I have the same issue.

again, this is totally out of character for me. I’m a professional woman in my early 40’s, married with s teenage son. Can not get this man out of my head. Only saw him on tv. He is not an actor, but appeared in a documentary. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I really feel like I’m madly in love with him and want to drop everything and fly to Europe, where he’s from.

how did you deal with it?