Infidelity and Learning to Trust.... Can You?

[black_rose]

So after finding out my partner was sex messaging another woman a year after I caught him cheating with her, then a week later another woman I ended it & agreed to give it another shot. Why? 8 yrs is a long time and, I have Bipolar along with traits of BPD, not enough for a proper diagnosis however. Although that also depends on who you ask, the psych ward I was in for 2 weeks 10 years ago or my Psychiatrist I was seeing at the time. I tend to go my Psychiatrists diagnosis.

So what does that mean, well it means that the BPD brain (as I call it) has an intense and irrational fear of being alone, which means I tend to stay in an unhealthy and volatile relationship because being alone is hard. I know to other people it sounds stupid, it even sounds stupid tome especially considering I know this relationship is on the verge of becoming emotionally abusive.

The other nights the things he said to me knowing I was already feeling pretty worthless after confessing less that a week ago that as much I tried to hide it my depression and anxiety was back with a vengeance and in overdrive. Leaving the house has started to become an impossible and daunting. He told me I was a leech because I have been unable to find a job, I already feel pretty terrible about this and this is one contributing factor and told him it made me feel worthless, he also told me I can't leave him, that I need him to be able to afford to keep the roof over my head. He then blamed my lack of sex drive for his behaviour and he got it more maybe he wouldn't feel the need to sex message other woman.

The next day when the situation had calmed down, I told him I can't take it anymore and if this ever happens again, it's over & somehow I will find a way to be able to without him financially. My friends are appalled at his behaviour, his friends are unaware (I think) not that they would care there is a mutual hatred there, stemming from one person who is hypocritical and very manipulative and has tried many times to convince my partner to leave me, she's learnt I can't be and despises that and her hatred has spread like a virus through the group. I asked him if the roles were different and what he was doing was say happening to his sister or friend would he be angry, he confessed yes he would be & accepted that what he did what disrespectful to me & very hurtful.

The past week he's started making an effort and I've been to the docs. So we'll see how it all goes & if I can ever learn to trust him again

[quirkywords]

Black_rose

thanks for your detailed reply and feedback.

I found the way he disrespects you in many ways and the way he treats you made me feel uncomfortable just reading. Through your words I could feel your pain and frustration . I could feel your pain. You have invested so much on this person, given so many chance and each time your trust is broken.

It is hard to know what to do, as I said I stayed 9 years too long in a relationship that I knew after 6 months was not healthy for me. I kept saying he would change. he would chat to other women when were out and they would tell me and feel sorry for me, which feels awful.

I am glad you have an appointment with your psych on Friday. have you written down what you want to say, I sometimes do that so I don't forget. You could even cut and paste some of what you have written here.

You are someone who is determined and is trusting and caring and he takes advantage of that. Post when you feel like it, we are listening.

[black_rose]

Just an update.

A day or two after writing my previous post, I forgave him, thought 10 years was worth one more shot. Biggest mistake I eve made. He continued the affair despite numerous times asking him to cut out the intimate stuff, found just how deep the rabbit hole went and the depth of the affair. My mental health deteriorated as the gaslighting became worse and the relationship turned psychologically abusive causing a significant breakdown and a psychotic break and an admission to a psych facility

Another injury due to clumsiness, saw my depression intensify to the point he finally had enough and ended the relationship himself, 4 1/2 months ago, resulting in another psych admission.

Now I am dealing with the aftermath, my trust and faith in people in tatters, to the outside world I've moved on, can see the gaslighting for what it was and part of me is thankful that I am free from such a toxic and unhealthy relationship. A part of me hates his guts and has never felt such hatred for anyone in my life, a part of me misses him and I hate that part of me that does, after all he put me through, I shouldn't miss him, a part me is still depressed because I wonder if I will ever be able to trust again.

I am trying to find all the missing pieces and rebuild piece by piece. It's not easy, I have my good days and bad days, but at least now I no longer have the stress of everything that was once weighing me down.

Contact with my ex has been limited him now only messaging when he wants something, he expects me to pay half of his debts personal loan etc, but forgets I've been left in debt too, my credit rating in tatters and significantly lower amount in my super due to early release. Thankfully though now I haven't heard from him in around a month and hope it continues, so I can finally move on

[black_rose]

I also guess I finally have my answer to my original question, once a cheater, always a cheater, once the trust is gone that's it there's no going back, I just wish it didn't take me so long to figure it out

[Juliet_84]

Hi black_rose,

I think that people can make a mistake and come back from it. But for that to happen, it has to be an out of character mistake followed by apologies, accountability and real efforts shown to change. Unfortunately your partner showed none of those intentions, instead continuing on with his behaviour despite your protests and attempts to put boundaries down, and instead chose to take no accountability for his actions, and gaslight you instead. In my experience, those people rarely have any interest in changing. Your ex-partner has inadvertently done you a favor and ended what you felt unable to do. You can now work on rebuilding and addressing the issues that left you susceptible to putting up with far less than you deserve. You can console yourself with the fact that the new girlfriend will be on the receiving end of his behaviour in the future, a leopard never changes their spots as they say.

[geoff]

Hello Black_rose, it's always good for you to get back to us, thank you.

At some point people hope that their partner will 'come to their senses' and stop their cheating, but the pressure they endure from both people, it seems easier to continue the affair and try to hide it once again, believing they can satisfy the two of them, but this doesn't happen, because to build trust again isn't easy.

This is an experience you wished you never had to encounter, and we feel very sorry for you, but for him to now wanting you to pay half his debts is rather extravagant and you are entitled to say no.

The reason you may be missing him is from the love that was established when you first met, but now that has worn away because trust has been broken, not once, but several times.

May be there could be one good side from this happening, although I know it still hurts and rather difficult to believe at the moment and understand, but it does give you the strength to acknowledge what secrets other people may be hiding, but certainly appreciate the journey you will need to undertake.

If you can try and cut your good days in half, rather than hoping for one day to be good, try and make it feel that you can satisfy it by lunchtime, then nighttime.

We are so deeply sorry you have had to go through this and feel the pain you are going through.

My best.

Geoff. x