Infidelity and Learning to Trust.... Can You?
So after finding out my partner was sex messaging another woman a year after I caught him cheating with her, then a week later another woman I ended it & agreed to give it another shot. Why? 8 yrs is a long time and, I have Bipolar along with traits of BPD, not enough for a proper diagnosis however. Although that also depends on who you ask, the psych ward I was in for 2 weeks 10 years ago or my Psychiatrist I was seeing at the time. I tend to go my Psychiatrists diagnosis.
So what does that mean, well it means that the BPD brain (as I call it) has an intense and irrational fear of being alone, which means I tend to stay in an unhealthy and volatile relationship because being alone is hard. I know to other people it sounds stupid, it even sounds stupid tome especially considering I know this relationship is on the verge of becoming emotionally abusive.
The other nights the things he said to me knowing I was already feeling pretty worthless after confessing less that a week ago that as much I tried to hide it my depression and anxiety was back with a vengeance and in overdrive. Leaving the house has started to become an impossible and daunting. He told me I was a leech because I have been unable to find a job, I already feel pretty terrible about this and this is one contributing factor and told him it made me feel worthless, he also told me I can't leave him, that I need him to be able to afford to keep the roof over my head. He then blamed my lack of sex drive for his behaviour and he got it more maybe he wouldn't feel the need to sex message other woman.
The next day when the situation had calmed down, I told him I can't take it anymore and if this ever happens again, it's over & somehow I will find a way to be able to without him financially. My friends are appalled at his behaviour, his friends are unaware (I think) not that they would care there is a mutual hatred there, stemming from one person who is hypocritical and very manipulative and has tried many times to convince my partner to leave me, she's learnt I can't be and despises that and her hatred has spread like a virus through the group. I asked him if the roles were different and what he was doing was say happening to his sister or friend would he be angry, he confessed yes he would be & accepted that what he did what disrespectful to me & very hurtful.
The past week he's started making an effort and I've been to the docs. So we'll see how it all goes & if I can ever learn to trust him again
Sorry for your hurt and mental anguish
We might be mentally challenged but facts and common societal standards must be separated from our self doubts AND from claims that the victim (you in this case) is the cause.
Classical turning of the tables of him having affairs then blaming you for them. That in my opinion is unacceptable as it is tapping into your guilt reservoir quite successfully.
Not working is making you feel a failure and more so when he feels caught out so he turns the focus off himself onto you.
My opinion on what you should do is irrelevant, it is your view that matters, your values, your future, your trust levels and your inner strength levels to enable you to break away if you want to.
So, by all means make your choice but imo I wouldnt allow him to blame you, your sex drive levels and other things when he should have respected you enough to seek counseling or other guidence.
I hope that helps
You seem to be making decisions out of fear and dependency, which is unlikely to bring you a happy, fulfilling outcome. Yes, 8 years is a long time, but it’s also a long time to be disrespected and treated this way. I don’t suggest that you leave him, that is your decision alone to make, but I do think that you need to start doing things for you to build yourself back up. If you don’t mind my asking but what did you do before you met your partner? Was there anything that you found joy in?
Just over a month after writing this and I caught it at it again, same woman. Against my better judgement I have given him yet another chance, this time I'm going set 'conditions' for lack of a better word.... These are what I am going to tell need to happen for things to work between us.
- can you give me the time and space I need to heal properly and not set a timelimit on my emotions and healing time?
- Can you understand that sometimes I will need to bring this up and talk about it and not be dimissed as it happened 'ages ago'
- Can you understand that I am giving you another chance, despite everything in my head screaming that I am stupid and that I should just leave to avoid the chance of ever being hurt by you again?
- can you stop cyber sexing women behind my back
- can you respect me enough to NEVER go behind my back ever again
- can you respect me enough to be okay if I'm not up to something and not seek it elsewhere behind my back
- Can you stop running to your friends with our private conversations
- Can you accept that you have *bleeped* up and hurt me in ways that can never be explained
- Can you truly stop talking to x or will you eventually do it behind my back again and delete messages
- can you stop with the lies, betrayal and BS
- Can you accept that you need to earn your right to privacy again, because as it stands you have taken advantage of privacy and use it to go behind my back and betray me
- can you accept that this really is your LAST chance, one toe out of line and it is OVER. That I am sick of the lies and sick of being hurt and sick of being made to feel like dirt for my emotion and feelings
- Can you accept that these things will take TIME and you cannot set a timelimit on them? That these things can and no doubt will take months to occur that a mere three weeks is no where near enough time.
- Can you really accept that this truly is the last chance I am ever going to give you and that if it ever occurs again there really will be no more chances that it truly will be it
Honestly I don't think I'm being unreasonable anymore.
Im over the lies, over the hurt, over that fact that now instead of being hurt and devastated I am angry but otherwise uncomfortably numb and unable to cry....
Two years on and I have my answer.
A compulsive liar and cheater will never change. The only thing to do is run away as far as I can. And not give him yet another chance to hurt me again.
I cant do this anymore. I'm over the lies and being blamed for his infidelity. I'm tired of being told that it's not actually cheating because there is no penetration. It's part online behind my back. I'm sick of being made to feel like I'm being over sensitive and blowing things out of proportion.
I'm over being GASLIGHTED!!!
I know it is sad and tiring but at least you have made a decision and have an insight into what is happening.
I was being gaslighted but I kept making excuses , all my family and friends could see it yet I kept on with excuses.
Do you have aplan of what you will do now?
Thanks for the feedback and update.
At the moment I honestly don't have a plan I have a little money but not a lot. I'm just going to take it one day at a time for now.
I tried explaining to him how I was feeling, he made excuse after excuse and kept turning the blame back on me.
He's told me that my lack of sex drive has caused him to seek sexual gratification online, from the same woman. They've been talking for months and spending hours online together mostly whilst her husband is at work.
He's also told me if I won't 'put out' then I just need to accept he'll seek it elsewhere.
He tells me he should be aowed to do as he pleases with whomever and I just need to mind my own business.
He blames for being 'too controlling' because I told him that I am sick and tired of him visiting friends and telling me bluntly that I'm not invited or welcome. I told him enough, and he needs to to include me more.
I also did tell him that he needs to stop trash talking me to his friends and show some respect and back me up.
Suddenly for all this I'm manipulative, controlling, unreasonable and all to blame.
I started seeing a Psychologist a month or two ago and only a day or two or go, he went off telling me that its clearly not helping because I still cant regulate my emotions.
He sarcastically replied when I told him that I have issues opening up to people and that I have trust issues, he responded with 'clearly'.
I asked him on the phone to choose between his partner of 10 years and his bit of online fluff on the side and he told me to let him think. I did demand am answer then and there and he said I don't know. He's excuse he was too emotional and it wasn't fair for me to ask him and that its my fault He's crying at work
He claims to love me and wanted to work it out, yet the next day they were back at it and she was sending him nudes. Apparently he needed to 'talk to someone' and I told him continuing to cyber sex is not therapy or talking. It's just completely disregarding me and my emotions.
I blame myself I caught him doing this twice before and I forgave him. I basically told him he can kick me in the guts over and over and end up crawling back to him.
I exhausted and my heart hurts, my mental health is in the dunny and I feel like giving up, I sometimes don't think I have the strength to go through this again and survive the decisions I know I must make.
At least I have my 2 little dogs I'm focusing on trying being strong for them. I also have a lot of support around me too thankfully.
So today was terrible. Spent the day in bed under the covers with two little dogsl. Breaking down randomly with uncontrollable sobbing. The poor little dudes probably need a bath from all the tears and snot. I'm really not a pretty picture at the moment.
Ended up sending him a message telling him I was sorry for everything and sorry that I just wasn't good enough.
My heart is in pieces and I know that time will heal eventually, but the scars will always be there.
Occasionally, old thoughts and coping mechanisms have come into my mind. Keeping them at bay isn't easy. I just have to make it through until Friday, I have an appointment with my Psych. I just hope lockdown doesn't get extended otherwise it will be an online session and I really need this to a face to face this time.
Hello Black_rose, thanks for coming back and a relationship can't survive what you are having to cope with, simply because of how far can you trust him and it doesn't matter whether he's talking with someone on a continual basis, sending photos, or meeting up, it's distressful and totally dishonest to your relationship and should not happen, especially when you doubt how trustworthy he is.
He says there is no activities going on, but how do you know and do you want to believe him and the reason why you aren't having any intimate moments, firstly could be because of this and needs to be approached in a different way and certainly not by him communicating with other people.
If he loves you then this wouldn't be happening and please don't blame yourself and if you crawl back to him will only increase his want, I can't tell you what to do, but if my wife ever found out I was doing what your partner is doing, she would have left me.
It's not only now you have to worry about, but it's also much later on if you stay together, if you decide to have children and/or buy a house or financial issues are a problem and each one of these or other concerns you experience are created, especially if an argument begins, then you may doubt what he's up to.
Please when you're able to, we'd love to hear back from you.