Infidelity and childhood trauma

[Bree88]

My partner and I have been together for 8 years and  just got married last month after a long wait through Covid. We have 2 children together and I have always thought we had a beautiful, loving relationship. Most importantly we really became best friends first after I separated from my previous partner of 11 years due to escalating emotional and physical abuse. We had an instant connection and it’s been pretty incredible and he has always reassured me and made me feel so adored and respected and said that he’s so grateful he found me. Honestly, I felt the same.  He has always been an amazing partner, dad and general human being. I don’t just love this man… I like and respect who he is. Which is why I am so devestated and shocked to find out what happened last weekend.  After me insisting he take some time out for himself and catch up with some mates for the weekend as he works so hard and never really takes any time out for himself, he went away excitedly. He was meant to catch up with a couple of mates on the Friday night before about 10 of them caught up on the Saturday together. However the 2 mates he was meant to see on the Friday night couldn’t make it last minute (I now know this to be fact) so he had spent the first night of his trip alone.  He text me throughout the night, saying he wished I was there. The last msg was wishing my son and me (who were having ‘movie night’ together and sending him snaps too) goodnight. When he returned home on the Sunday… I just felt like something was a bit off… I had never had that feeling with him before.  I ended up finding out he had gone to an escort after his last text.  When I discovered this he was devestated and hasn’t stopped crying since. He has repeatedly said he doesn’t know why he did it, he’s never done it before (which I believe as I honestly can’t think of a time we’ve even been apart without kids for this to happen) and that he’s disgusting and he hates himself.  And when I went to leave after finding out he broke down and confessed that he has been battling depression for years and self harming every few months but never wanted to tell me or in fact anyone because he was so ashamed and didn’t want to be a burden. For many years, I had known that he was sexually abused as a child, though he never really opened up to me about it at all and said he just wanted to leave it in the past as he had ‘dealt with it’. He comes across as such a strong person and I’ve certainly seen his vulnerable soft side over the years but felt like there was always something he was hiding and assumed perhaps it was this past trauma but didn’t want to push it until and if he was ready or wanting to open up about it. Over the past week we have both cried and I’ve expressed my hurt and anger as well. He has confessed ‘everything’ to me, Including that he has used cocaine on and off occasionally over the last few years to get through the day. He runs a large family business and has always worked extremely hard. He also confessed that he had seen escorts twice before in the past, before we met when single, and has never cheated on anyone before… which I do believe. He has started seeing a psychologist as have I…. And confessed that even though this is awful and he wishes he never did it to me or couldn’t open up sooner…. He’s relieved that he’s finally told someone more about his depression and his occasional self harm and that he’s finally getting some help. I felt relieved for him. I’ve seen a truly broken man…. The man I have loved and thought I knew…. Over the past week. But I am also completely heart broken too. I can’t talk to anyone as I know my family would tell me to run for the hills and it’s such a personal situation…. I feel like a large part of it isn’t my story to tell. I think he thinks we can get through this and I’ve been so worried about his mental health that I’ve probably reassured him of that too. But truthfully, I feel completely lost and overwhelmed and just so sad that this has become our story. I understand his past trauma and I really want to support him in working through it, but I can’t help but feel there is just no excuse for what he’s done. Any thoughts or advise re trauma, Trust and infidelity would be really appreciated. 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome 

Thankyou for your honesty.

Breaching trust in any relationship fractures the foundation of that unity. Forgiving or not Forgiving is purely a personal choice, it has nothing to do with anyone else particularly family and friends and it's personal so best to keep it confidential. 

The other factors in this saga, childhood events etc are imo not excuses for such behaviour so yes, by all means seek professional guidance but me personally,  I don't put emphasis on that, he's an adult that made the wrong decision.

I think you'll always have trust issues now. I'm sorry but he himself has burned that bridge.

Humans aren't perfect. The question no one else can answer us whether you can maintain a happy relationship with this having occurred. Time might tell. 

What I do suggest is that if you do forgive then boundaries should be made to put your mind at ease but apart from that a return to your marriage as close as you can to what it was is your goal.

If you wont/can't forgive then move on quickly so it isn't dragged out.

TonyWK 

[therising]

Hi Bree88

My heart goes out to you as you experience so much pain and grief as you try to make sense of how to move forward.

I know it's such a simple thought in relation to such a complex situation but I'll throw it out there anyway, in the hope that it offers you a perspective you might be able to work with. Is it possible to say 'The relationship we had ended with infidelity. The one we begin now will need to look like this...'. Of course, it remains your choice as to whether that relationship looks like one where you find new ways to live together and develop that relationship or whether it's one where you live separately simply as co-operative parents. if there is no rush to make a major decision, give yourself the freedom to take your time while you explore your feelings and the ways in which you will come to evolve beyond this.

While I haven't faced the shocking challenge of infidelity in my marriage of 21 years, I do face the challenge of my husband and I managing a relationship where I live in the house with our 2 kids (17yo son and 20yo daughter) and my husband lives in the flat in our back yard. This relationship developed as a result of so much disappointment in the way of a partnership. We made this choice in how to live only in the last year. Forming a different and new relationship in a marriage comes with so many challenges.

I can relate to some of the challenges in managing depression. Finding what works is one of them. While I don't seek to excuse your husband's behaviour, I hope for your sake and your feelings that I can offer a possible explanation. This is based on how you define your husband's nature, with him being such a genuinely deeply caring person yet in so much pain. Wonder is a simple thing until it becomes incredibly complex and highly destructive. A simple thought: 'I wonder whether I'd feel some sense of happiness for a change (in depression) if I went out with an escort, just for company over a meal and nothing else. I wonder if I'd feel any differently with a stranger'. Most would stop at such a simple thought involving wonder. Next level wonder may involve 'I wonder which escort company I would call'. Next level, 'I wonder if I simply phoned for dinner companionship whether that would be enough'. Then it becomes about next level wonder and next and next, until deep regret and self hatred is the result of all that wonder. Wonder can get the better of good people, leading them to find the worst in themself. Others can be led to suffer through that too. There is a big difference between the deeply regrettable misdeeds of a good person and the actions of a purely self serving narcissist. While there is no excusing such misdeeds, there is room for understanding them.

Again, my heart goes out to you when it comes to how deeply you're suffering through your husband having reached breaking point in his depression, the point that has finally led him to have to address it. While he has reached breaking point through his actions, it's so sad to think of how that has led your heart to break in such an overwhelming way. I feel so deeply for you and I hope revelations come to you in the way of lighting your path ahead. ❤️

[p85]

I don’t have much advice 

except I have found myself in a similar situation in the past few days (partner hiring escort) 

I understand how hurt and lost you feel,

how confused and sad.

big  hugs to you from another broken woman 

[quirkywords]

 Bree88 and p85

thanks for your honesty and for reaching out.Tony and the rising have given helpful suggestions and ideas.

You may need time to navigate your future. 
we are here to listen and you are not alone.

[Bree88]

Thankyou so much for your honest, kind and very thought provoking words. Everything you said really makes sense and is so helpful as I navigate through things. I’m truly grateful for you taking the time to put such a kind response together. I’m sorry to hear of your difficult challenges too but your children are lucky to have such a lovely parent. Thankyou again. 

[Bree88]

I’m so sorry to hear of your pain too. Sending you big hugs and know you’re not alone and we can get through hard things…. Whatever the outcome ends up being. X

[Bree88]

Thankyou so much for your kind and honest words. You have also given me reassurance that my hurt and pain is valid and that what my husband did can’t simply be excused away completely by trauma. I hold on to the idea that it may be an explanation to a degree but it is not an excuse. I don’t think I am ready to let go of years of loving and beautiful memories though without trying some forgiveness and compassion for the person I love…. But I agree that I need to put some strong personal boundaries in place to protect my heart going forward. I think you’re right in it being a very personal matter and I’m really grateful for a forum like this to get some thought provoking and kind feedback from people like yourself. Thanks so much.