In a relationship with a Covert Narcissist and experiencing covert abuse - looking for support

CurlyK · ‎20-01-2019

Hi There, I'm new to this forum and desperately looking for support. I'm in a relationship with a covert narcissist and experiencing covert abuse on a daily basis. We are in couples therapy and I'm seeing a counsellor on my own but neither is helping because I don't feel like anyone really understands this abuse or even believes it is happening to me . The therapists seem to think it's something that can be corrected with better communication or understanding of my partner's own abusive history, but no matter what I try, it's like talking to a brick wall, he always plays the victim and makes everything about him. My partner will never do anything which will make him look bad, so no verbal abuse, no physical abuse but he turns our home environment into a living, toxic hell. Everyone is walking on egg shells, he provides zero emotional support, every interaction is a conflict or he turns into an argument where he is always right, it's his way or the high way, he gas lights me, twists everything I say and never listens to anything I say, essentially he wants to control me. He says he loves us, but everything about him screams that he hates us. It's even hard to put into words so it feels like I'm going crazy and whenever I call him up on it, he says that I am overreacting. None of our friends would ever believe it as he's such a nice guy to everyone else. We have two beautiful children together and I'm pregnant with my third. I have no family in this country and I feel like I couldn't leave even though I want to for practical/financial reasons as I have no one turn to or help me. He was unfaithful when I was pregnant with my last child, but yet somehow he has made this out like he is the victim and he did it because he was depressed.I have pandered to him, listened to him, been there for him, forgiven him for his infidelity and daily dark moods, always tried to do everything I could to please him and it's never enough. I have called him up on his behaviour, he admits he is a narcissist and doesn't care about anyone else's feelings, but says that it's all unintentional and he wants everyone to be happy. I know I should leave, but I feel utterly trapped. Sometimes he is a good dad and he helps a lot around the house, I don't want to make things worse for my children by separating. I am seeking out a therapist who has been through this themselves as I think they are the only ones who will be able to help me. Have you been through something similar?

jess334 · ‎20-01-2019

Hi CurlyK,

Welcome to the forums. I hope you find some support here.

It sounds like your relationship has a lot of difficulties. Having an abusive partner is really difficult. You want to stay and fix it, but sometimes that is not possible.

Unfortunately changing someone else's behaviour is impossible. They can only change if they want to and then put a lot of effort into it.

You say you want to stay for the kids, but do you think they will be better off living with someone who is emotionally abusive?

If you do decide to leave, there are a lot of organisations to help. You can Google search ''women's legal services" in your state. You can also contact 1800 Respect. They are great at understanding domestic abuse. www.1800respect.org.au/

You can also keep posting here. 😊

Kind thoughts, Jess

baet123 · ‎21-01-2019

Hey CurlyK,

Welcome to the forums and it is great to have you here. Thank you for posting, You will find that these forums are a loving and caring place where your concerns will be listened too and taken seriously.

Sorry to hear that your going through a tough time at present. As Jess mentioned above, sometimes it isn't possible to fix and mend a relationship and tough decisions have to be made. From what you mentioned above, it seems as if your partner isn't treating you or your kids in a way that is deemed acceptable and there comes a point where you must decide whether it is worth continuing or whether ending the relationship is the best thing for you and your children. To be honest, you and your children deserve better and the way your partner is treating you and your children isn't acceptable.

No matter what decision you make, it will be difficult. You are extremely brave, strong and resilient and these are amazing qualities you possess. If your partner's behaviour is negatively impacting your children's emotionally well-being and quality of life then I would consider removing you and your children from such a relationship. Yes your children may be dissapointed and sad that you two may not be together any more, however, there is a real risk of you and your children developing complex PTSD as a result of the ongoing emotional abuse and neglect and the consequences of complex PTSD are and can be devastating.

I am not sure if this is what you wanted to hear but I work with a lot of women and families who have similar shared experiences as yourself and the effects on neglect and abuse on the family can and is often devastating and can have profound long term negative consequences for all involved.

As Jess mentioned above, 1800 Respect is a great service which would love to hear from you. You may also wish to consider contacting Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277 and also visiting the relationships section on the Reach Out website.

Please take care of yourself and look forward to hearing back from you.

Nick.

CurlyK · ‎04-02-2019

Thank you so much Jess, sorry for the late reply - I didn't realise there had been a response until now, I'm still getting used to the forums! The issue I'm having is that he says he really wants to change, he really loves us but that he won't be able to change immediately, that he needs outside support and even with that it could take years. I just don't think I can put up with it for years, but he makes me feel so guilty because I think in his own way he is trying and I'm the one making the final decision to leave.

CurlyK · ‎04-02-2019

Thanks Nick, those support services look really helpful and it's also helpful to hear that you've heard this story before. I've heard a lot of stories of people who have experienced overt obvious abuse and of abusive partners who have been the ones to leave the relationship, but I'm finding it so hard to leave knowing that he really doesn't want to break up this family and in his own way he does love us. I just feel so guilty, like I"m not giving him enough of a chance to change, but I just don't think I can keep doing this either. 😞

baet123 · ‎05-02-2019

Hi Curly,

Thank you for your reply.

Unfortunately these stories are far too common. It would absolutely be extremely difficult to leave your current relationship but what your going through as a result of his actions is inexcusable and unjustifiable. You mention that he does love you in his own. That may be true but also you have to ask yourself if someone who loves you would continue to do the things he is doing?

Maintaining the family relationship and entity is super important but it isn't worth maintaining the entity just because you "believe" it is the right thing to do. You and your children are at serious risk of developing complex PTSD as well as many other serious conditions. Yes, I know that maintaining your current family relationship is important but at what cost? Your emotional well-being and your children's safety is more important to be honest.

I am sorry if what I am saying isn't what you wanted to hear but you and your kids don't deserve to be treated the way that your currently being treated. It is a tough decision to make and it is a HUGE decision but sometimes tough decisions have to be made.

Look forward to hearing from you again.

Nick.