I wish I got along with my mum

[Malto2001]

My parents both work from home. My dad gets the computer room to himself to work. My mum sits at the dining room table, and for the past 3 years, it has been HORRIBLE. Because she’s working in such a common area of the house, I can’t do anything without her telling me to shut up because she’s working. I can’t make myself breakfast lunch or dinner in the kitchen because it’s too loud, can’t watch tv, I can’t even sit in the lounge room on my phone, because she will literally scream at me to “shut the f up”. 

Whenever I bring up how I feel about the way she talks to me, she tells me it’s her house and she can do whatever she wants and if I don’t like It I should just move out. 

We have been fighting a lot, over stupid things but also over the way she talks to me. She screams at me, swears at me for absolutely no reason other than I opened the fridge door and it made noise. Everyone I talk to about this tells me to just ignore her and save up enough money to move out but I’m a full time student and I have no money and won’t for a while. I can’t ignore her, she makes me so mad, she fuels this absolute rage inside of me that I didn’t know I had. I’m so angry every time she talks to me to the point I want to smash something.

I often get sad thinking about our relationship. 

I wish I got along with her, I wish I could come home and tell her about my day without being told to go away and shut up because I’m an inconvenience and don’t belong in that house. I wish I could hug her and I wish she told me she loved me and I wish I could tell her that I love her, but I think I’d cringe so hard if I ever told her I loved her, it just feels weird. 

I wish we didn’t fight, I bite my tongue so much but it’s gotten to the point I’ll yell back at her. I don’t remember the last time we had a nice conversation. I try to ignore her. I feel like if I left her life she wouldn’t even notice or care. There’s so much more that goes on but I can’t type it all out. I just wish I could tell her all this. 

[therising]

Hi Malto2001

Sounds like

• Your dad's okay with his own space, as it gives him quiet time, the freedom to work in peace and an escape from the rest of the family
• Your siblings have no example of how you deserve to be treated (with respect, compassion and consideration)
• Your mum is taking her frustration, discontent, anger etc out on you because she lacks self control, respect and consideration
• You're a deeply feeling person

While it's so nice to feel what joy, peace etc feel like, the tormenting aspect of feeling comes into play when you're feeling the angering and depressing nature of others. While such natures are ones we can feel through our nervous system, on a more soulful level I've found such natures can also be heartfelt and not in a good way.

While your dad speaks of emotional detachment, this is something that can achieved through strategy. Ask him for strategies. Emotional detachment (at the right times) is so important for those who tend to feel so much. Feeling 24/7 is exhausting. Such detachment means feeling someone's nature for a second or 2 and then detaching from what you feel in order to analyse their behaviour, how it leads you to feel and the best way forward from there. 

For all involved in the house, including your dad who doesn't always have your back, 'Such a lack of respect and/or consideration will have you see no effort coming from me in the way of me doing this or that for you. You'll now be doing this or that yourself until you can show me respect'. Boundary setting.

With your mum sounding like she's facing a lot of stress and agitation that comes from not having the ideal space like your dad does, she needs to be able to manage that or manage creating a more effective way of living together that works for everyone. Not sure if you have a room to yourself but if you do you could set it up as a self loving retreat, like a mini apartment.

I smile when I say there's a truly liberating upstanding intolerant cow in me and I love her. It's the part of me that gets worked up (through anger and intolerance) and when let loose is an absolute warrior and fierce defender of the heart. Perhaps that could be something you're working up to, coming to channel that part of yourself.