I want him to come home.
I have been in a two year relationship with a guy who I thought was the one. We met in my home town, lived there for six months together, then decided to move across the country to his home town. At first, we lived with his parents which was really hard for me. I didn’t feel comfortable there, and it took me a couple of months to find work. My whole life had changed and I felt I lost my sense of security and my identity. I didn’t have any friends or family here, and my concerns put stress on the relationship.
After a couple of months, I ended up getting a job and we ended up getting our own place which we have been in for 9 months. Things have been much better. Over the last couple of months, I have been stressed with work and my stresses has negatively affected the relationship. I have been working on those issues. We have had a couple of arguments, but resolved things as they were not major issues.
Two weeks ago, when we were on holiday, we had another argument - I wanted to spend quality time with him as I felt that’s what our relationship needed. He acted bizarrely when I asked him to organise something for us, he seemed unwilling and his attitude upset me. I ended up getting angry and upset. He packed his things and he left me, flew home, packed his essential items and left our home.
I have spoken with him over the phone and met him face to face over the weekend. He said the relationship is over and he doesn’t see me in his future anymore. He said he loves me but is not in love with me. I poured my heart out and told him that I love him and I don’t think this was worth ending our relationship over and wanted to move forward. I apologised for the things I said before he left and promised him I would work on things. I asked him if we could put the past behind us and go and have fun together and start fresh. He said, “I’m not saying no, but I’m not saying yes either”.
I am still living in our home, with all of our things. I want him to come home and want to work things out. I don’t know how to go about it. I am not coping very well.
I like your name- very descriptive.
Thanks for reaching out and communicating with us on the forum.
Sometimes just by writing it down it seems to make things clearer. Did it help you write down what happened.
Relationships are complex .
It is good that he has spoken to you and met face to face and not cut off all contact.
Your partner by not saying whether he wants the relationship to continue or not, is putting you in a difficult situation, you are in an emotional limbo. You have decided what you want but he hasn't.
Would he be prepared for the two of you to talk to someone else?
You need to be kind to yourself .
Do you text/email/or phone each other ?
Welcome to the forum.
Thank you Quirky. Writing out my journey has made me think about the commitment I have made to him, and how very real and strong my investment in the relationship was.
I really thought he was the one. I believe that when two people love each other they would work through their issues and stay together (unless the problems were very bad). I don't believe our issues were worth walking out of our relationship.
We haven't spoken since Sunday. I really don't know what I would say to him. I poured my heart out and was rejected. I don't feel that chasing after him will make the situation better. I don't think he would agree to see someone with me.
Thank you for responding. I feel very alone and confused and am grateful for a kind ear and advice. Thank you
Welcome and thank you for writing in. It is difficult when one partner decides the relationship is over, no matter what the reason.
I am a little concerned that you apologised so profusely and he did not acknowledge his part in the argument. No arguments are totally the fault of one person and it seems strange that he was being asked to spend more time with you but could not/would not do so. It appears you are carrying all the blame while he sits back to watch. He has not decided if he wants this relationship to work and there is the presumption that if he beckons you will return. You also said that stresses at your work were causing difficulties. Again you are blaming yourself.
This is not the action of someone who cares for another. Does he want to stay with you? The answer is yes or no and I am pleased you have decided not to run after him. There are actions you both can take but of course they will not bring you together again if you do not work together.
It's very hard when you believe you have found your life partner to then have it all blow up for no apparent reason. May I ask you, and you do not need to answer, has there ever been any hint of this type of behaviour in the past? Things such as being reluctant to go anywhere or do anything you have suggested. Did he find fault often. Did he appear to control you in any way? Sometimes, with the benefit of hindsight, we can see pointers that have lead to the this final argument. Just a thought.
Do you have family and friends you can talk to? Having a couple of people who care about you and will listen can be helpful and soothing. They don't have to find answers for you. It's better if they don't try. Just to be there and listen. Are you considering returning to your home town to start your life again?
Hi CD sorry about your sitch.
Think l'd just try to leave it alone for now and give it a bit more time yet. He'll probably be thinking thinking thinking and missing you and hopefully realizing a lot of things too. Never know ,next few days or wk, he might wanna work this out yet.
lt's very easy to act like an idiot when you get pissed off and do something silly like pack your stuff and strut off in a huff. l'd give it a bit more time yet, l know it's hard and painful , but just see for right now.
Thank you so much for your response Mary. It has been an extremely difficult time.
In our two conversations since he left me he has not apologised and made the comment that he would have to forgive me again for us to move forward. He said that he used to think I was the one but no longer sees me in his future.
In the past, where I have suggested things that we could do over a weekend, on a few occasions there has been relunctance (too far away, too long to get too etc.) We both travel long distances for work and on his one day off a week, I can understand that he may not want to travel too far to go to places.
I feel in most of our disagreements, he has indicated that the issue was my fault. At times, I have felt conflicted as he will press for his needs and wants and I have compromised.
I have put my needs and desires on the table and whilst he understands what is important to me, he hasn't always been willing to agree on working towards achieving them with me. We did however have mutual goals we were working on together.
I have friends and family in my home town that I have been speaking to. None of our friends or his family have contacted me, not even to wish me a happy birthday. They all know I am here alone. I am considering moving home but haven't made the decision to return home yet.
He knows I have fully committed myself to him and our relationship and that breaking up was not an option for me because I wanted our relationship to work. I understand what you mean by him expecting me to be open to him if he returns.
Thank you so very much for responding and I look forward to hearing your helpful thoughts.
You are managing very well from what I read in your posts. Of course it's not easy and you will be hurt for a while but you are able to look at his actions to see them for what they are. Some of your differences sound reasonable, not wanting to go anywhere at the weekend, but I am getting a picture of someone who wants his way and is rarely prepared to look at the needs of his partner.
Sadly there are many people, of both genders, who believe their needs come first, second and third. Their partners are happy to agree to these suggestions but after a while it becomes a habit and one which is hard to break. The partner realises he/she is the provider and the other person is always the receiver. It can be very hard to break free from this routine.
It can lead to violence in many cases. Not saying your partner will be like this, just general observations about the way domestic violence can escalate. When the person does lash out either physically or emotionally the partner is caught unaware. There are lots of apologies and promises to never do that again but it does happen again and again. Maybe you are much better off without him.
His comment that he will have to forgive you is demeaning and shows his belief that he is the only person who counts. He clearly thinks forgiveness is about patting you on the head and graciously "letting you get away with it this time". He will not forget you have transgressed against him and will be brought up in the future. Clearly he has no insight about himself and believes you are there for his convenience. Whose idea was it to move near his home?
This has been a the cause of so much hurt for you and sadly there is not much you can do about it other than walk away and let time heal you. Are you keen on staying in your present job? If not you may want to consider moving away. Your home sounds the most logical but there are other places if you choose. I think being in the same with him will be a source of constant stress. What if you bumped into him on the street. The people you have made friends with are probably his friends so will not be available to you.
If you can I really suggest you move away. To continue living there will not be helpful to you. No need to rush into a decision but make sure you examine all the options and perhaps write pros and cons for each one.
I hope this has been a helpful post.
Thank you for your response Randomx. There's nothing more I want then for him to come home and for us to work on things. I do love him. He is very stubborn and seemed sure of his decision when I last spoke to him a week ago.
He left so quickly and harshly but I really don't feel like the reasons he left were worth it. I felt like time apart was helpful for the both of us but it's so hard.
I don't think he will come back, and even if he did, it will be hard to move forward knowing that he could do this again. I know he loves me but I don't know if it will be enough for him to come back.
Thank you for your response.
Thank you for your response Mary. I am struggling. I don't want to get out of bed every morning and face each day. Im physically and emotionally exhausted and want to sleep the days away. I feel numb.
His actions are hard to understand. I still can't understand his decision to leave and stay away. I wish that he would realise that his actions and decisions were the wrong thing to do and that he would come back home.
I don't think my partner would ever be violent but again, I didn't think my partner would ever do this either.
It was his idea to move to his home town. I agreed as I thought I would have better job opportunities here. When I remind him that I gave up everything to move here to be with him, he tells me that it was my choice too and I moved here for work as well as the relationship.
My current employment contract is due to expire in mid October. Ive been actively seeking other employment. I feel if I move home I will be going backwards and feel like if my job ends than I will be forced to leave. Part of me feels like he is waiting for me to leave so he can come back to our house and take over the lease etc.
You're right, I think I will be stressed if I stayed with him. I would be afraid that he would do this again. But I still would like the opportunity to work through things. I know this might sound crazy considering what I'm going through but I feel like I can't just give up. The thing is that I don't think I'll get that opportunity. I don't think he will give it to me. If he wanted to, he would've done so already.
I really appreciate the time you take in responding. It is helpful and puts things in to perspective. Thank you
You really stuck in a horrible position. I understand that staying where you are may be better for your job prospects and that is an important consideration. Is there the possibility of your contract being renewed? I know the job market can be difficult and finding other employment is not easy. If you are happy where you are (apart from the BF) it seems like a good idea to stay.
I'm not asking where you live, I am wondering if you are in a large town where employment prospects are relatively good. Staying will bring it's own set of problems, but then leaving will also be problematic. I think your head is looking at career prospects and your heart is looking for either a reunion or at least a reason. Have you written a list of pros and cons? Sometimes this can bring a problem totally into perspective.
If you stay is it likely you will 'bump into' the BF or can you be reasonably certain you will not meet. If you can live and work where you are without the likelihood of meeting him it may be the best option. Whether or not you leave will not change the hurt and disappointment you are experiencing. Basically it's time that will soften this hurt.If you feel it would help you could see a grief and loss counsellor to talk over your situation. You will not get told what to do but it may help you clarify what is happening for yourself.
The only suggestion I have is to accept he does not have a reason for leaving other than he perhaps finds being committed to a life long partnership too scary. This can be a problem when a couple are together for a couple of years and suddenly one person realises he/she has almost committed to a life long relationship. It's a hard thing to accept, assuming this is the case.
I am pleased I am able to help you.