Worried about hubby
My hubby has been having a very stressful time lately. At the end of July he started getting numbness and pain in his left arm. Dr thankfully ruled out life threatening problems, but still waiting on hemochromatosis gene test results plus MRI on the neck results. On top of that at the end of July I called enough to his father's lies and broken promises (same promise broken to our 7 yr old ASD son for 2 years). So I told his narcissist father he wasn't to have anything to do with our 3 kids, but hubby could keep contact if he wished. Only I've seen his father is using him as a pawn now in txt messages and hubby I can see is feeling guilty but is trying to be the loving son. (He also told his father about his arm problem on the 1st August and not once has he asked how it's going). I think he could have depression but not sure how to get him to the psychologist as when he went last time with his anxiety he reckons it wasn't much help.
Welcome here to the Forum.You have laid out a pretty clear picture of the problems, which I don't think are completely a matter of depression or anxiety, but a relationship problem too.
I can't comment on the numbness or pain in his arm, so will leave that to one side except to say any such ailment will itself generate stress and worry for your partner, both as to the cause, and also with the day to day difficulties of doing things with restricted or painful movement.
It sounds very much as if your hubby is split two ways, between you & children vs his father. As a result I'm not surprised he found the last psychologist's treatment unsatisfactory. I was in a similar situation and had to choose between domineering possessive parents and a partner.
All the time he tries to be all things to all people, a dutiful son and a loving and protective partner and father he is going to feel guilt, lack of self worth, frustration and great stress. It just does not work. Until this massive trigger is out of his life I can't see him improving.
I have no idea how you can encourage him to choose, perhaps counseling for both of you together. You would probably be in a better position to know this than anybody. Is there anyone he would listen to on this matter? The same applies to his seeing other medical help, which once again has to come from him.
All of this will have been a big burden for you too of course. Telling a father-in-law to keep away is a very difficult thing to do, as is trying to support your husband whilst seeing all the damage being caused. Do you have anyone to support you , who you can talk to, who will understand and want to help?
I"d like it very much if you came back and said what you thought
Thanks for your reply. Hubby is in withdrawal mode at the moment now as I told him I was worried so booked a counsellor appointment for him and that I said to look at the txt messages his father has sent him recently for where his father has asked concerned about his health instead of where there was pretend care about the kids and wife blame. So he's still processing it.
He's a great father himself and husband and well person in general which is why I think he is taking it so hard. He's the only one out of 4 who kept contact with his dad too.
I'm ok myself I've been talking it through myself with a psychologist and show her all the messages so I know I'm not mad and over reading things.
I think I'll go with him to one of his appointments rather than bring him to one of mine, just so he doesn't feel ganged up on and may open up more.
Thank you for replying. From the looks of it you have the first stage well in hand. I do like your idea of going to one of his appointments rather than bringing him to yours.
It will no doubt be a difficult time for him to even know how to go about things. I guess from what you say his siblings have already made the necessary break. That can be good as there may be an example to follow, and even possibly a source of encouragement and support. The down side is of course if he is the last one left he will be particularly focused in his father's attention.
I hope it goes well, and would like to know how you get on