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I need strength to carry on

Community Member

Hi everyone.

I've been commenting on other people's posts and trying to be positive - but my situation is wearing me down.

My marriage of 5 years has broken down. We have a four year old boy. It all started when I told my wife I wanted an intimate marriage and she reacted by saying I had destroyed our marriage by bringing it up. Over the last 4 months it has been horrible - she wanted me to leave the house, counseling failed, she became more abusive emotionally, verbally and physically.

I refused to leave our house. I do a lot for our son and I'm not abandoning him. She thinks I'm only entitled to have our son 2 days a fortnight if we separate. This is our son who I see every day, am with every night, every weekend, cook for him, feed him, bath him, pick him up from kindy. I want him at least 6 nights a fortnight but she won't have that. We've both been to lawyers and the next step is family dispute resolution - I'm just worried it will escalate and she will take it to court which will destroy us all.

I'm pretty lost at the moment. My wife is threatening to take our son to her parents and I won't see him until after court. She's trying to stop me from doing things with him when I am around. I'm using all my strength just to hold up in front of my son and to remain calm and collected.

I hate this unknown, I live in fear of what my wife is going to do next and in particular I'm so worried for our son. I'm dreading the day we/I have to tell him mummy and daddy won't be living together any more, how he will react, how he will cope. What a nightmare. Can anyone tell me if they have been in a similar position? I can truly see why people are forced to leave their own homes and give up time with their children because they feel they have no other choice. Well I'm not going to leave. I have done nothing wrong and I'm going to stand up for myself and my son - who needs his dad in his life just as much as his mum

66 Replies 66

I do think my wife is also very scared of the future - and probably accounts for some of the reason why she comes across as crazy, angry, aggressive, abusive etc... with much of it threats so I cave in and fall back to my previous complacent self. I think when she realises that this isn't going to happen she decides it's over but wants the marriage over with minimal disruption to her our our son's lifestyle, which of course is fantasy. She wants to keep the house and thinks she will easily be able to buy me out (I have put my inheritance into it) , She also thinks that our son will be able to start at a private school next year and magically afford $10K + a year for that.

Anyway, i shouldn't carry on. I have a small group of supportive friends. My parents and brother have been great. I have a close friend who has been through similar who has been really supportive. My GP is ok - but to be honest I don't want to have drugs because I don't think they work. Exercise works for me which is hard atm because of my feet. I didn't find psychology useful because I thought I was having reactive depression due to my marriage situation. I also feel I have an element of seasonal depression too. If you ask my wife though she says I need help for my depression - depression I've had for years. What she doesn't understand is that living with her particularly in the past 5 years has been really difficult - and when you feel like there is no love, no affection, no touch, no intimacy, no caring then of course that takes it's toll. Thanks for listening.

Hey Apollo

Always good to talk to you. Interesting you mention getting really crook while all this is happening to you. I was the same...virus...flu...cold...it never ended. Interesting what happens when our immune system is damaged.

You have also put your inheritance into your home. That would hurt...big time. Im not being rude towards your wife Apollo but all her anger really smacks of low self esteem and self worth. The trouble is she doesnt understand the meaning of 'being humble' so she has come out using a M-16 which doesnt help anyone especially your son.

You never carry on Apollo. Ive seen you help many others and I understand where you are coming from. I remember the mediation prior to the family court as well...oh my that was ugly....

here for Apollo. Paul

Thanks again Paul. She's building up to get ugly again I can feel it. She can't stand being nice for too long. It's my birthday tomorrow and she can hardly wait until it's over to turn on the nasty tap. It's ok - my lawyer is back from leave this week so I'll be able to plan my exit strategy - or should I say hers...

Hey Apollo, no worries. I just dont understand where people get all the energy to 'go into 'war mode' Such a waste of life. My daughter is 23 and is still 'paying' an emotional price for her mum using her as a tool in our separation.

Happy Birthday brother for tomorrow 🙂 I hope you have a good one! You deserve to...Paul

Hey Paul. Thanks for that. I did have a good day thanks after all.

Just trying to take things day by day. I keep trying to build up the courage to talk to my wife about "where to from here?" but I always chicken out. I can't do it until our son goes to bed, so we have dinner then she usually goes straight to bed. She pretty much ignores me. Our son is being a real mummies boy at the moment so I'm trying not to take it personally, I can just feel that she's loving the fact that he wants her to read his story and put him to bed every night. Fortunately I'm continuing to play it pretty cool, but it is taking its toll.

Im finding it hard to break this limbo. I absolutely hate it, but the alternative is also a nightmare.

I just need to bite the bullet and talk to her. I'm almost certain she once again is waiting for me to make the move and end things.

I'm really struggling with this, I just need to break this cycle. A friend of mine said what's the rush, but I do believe living like this is making me slowly unwell...

Hey Apollo

I dont think you are chickening out at all...I think you are smart for avoiding any possible conflict. Being in a one sided relationship is taxing Apollo...very much so. Your wife doesnt make things any easier by ignoring you and bolting off to bed after dinner.

You do have the courage to have that chat Apollo....maybe a different time or place? I think your friend has made a good point with 'whats the rush' but struggling doesnt make things better either...

Rock and a hard place...hmmm...whens the last time you bought some really cool flowers for her? Apologies if that is a dumb idea. It just may...work..


Hey Paul, thanks for your reply. It's not a dumb idea, but I'm afraid it's probably past that now. I bought her flowers for her birthday but all she could focus on was the crappy gift I gave her. I think buying her any flowers at this point would be a pretty big display of low value on my part...