I need strength to carry on

Apollo_Black · ‎30-04-2016

Hi everyone.

I've been commenting on other people's posts and trying to be positive - but my situation is wearing me down.

My marriage of 5 years has broken down. We have a four year old boy. It all started when I told my wife I wanted an intimate marriage and she reacted by saying I had destroyed our marriage by bringing it up. Over the last 4 months it has been horrible - she wanted me to leave the house, counseling failed, she became more abusive emotionally, verbally and physically.

I refused to leave our house. I do a lot for our son and I'm not abandoning him. She thinks I'm only entitled to have our son 2 days a fortnight if we separate. This is our son who I see every day, am with every night, every weekend, cook for him, feed him, bath him, pick him up from kindy. I want him at least 6 nights a fortnight but she won't have that. We've both been to lawyers and the next step is family dispute resolution - I'm just worried it will escalate and she will take it to court which will destroy us all.

I'm pretty lost at the moment. My wife is threatening to take our son to her parents and I won't see him until after court. She's trying to stop me from doing things with him when I am around. I'm using all my strength just to hold up in front of my son and to remain calm and collected.

I hate this unknown, I live in fear of what my wife is going to do next and in particular I'm so worried for our son. I'm dreading the day we/I have to tell him mummy and daddy won't be living together any more, how he will react, how he will cope. What a nightmare. Can anyone tell me if they have been in a similar position? I can truly see why people are forced to leave their own homes and give up time with their children because they feel they have no other choice. Well I'm not going to leave. I have done nothing wrong and I'm going to stand up for myself and my son - who needs his dad in his life just as much as his mum

Apollo_Black · ‎23-06-2016

My worse fear is that I have to do this all again - face my wife not accepting equal care of our son, her trying to take him away from me and starting some kind of distortion campign. I could be wrong but I doubt it - she'll try and make it as hard as possible to separate in a civil manner

pipsy · ‎23-06-2016

Hi AB. As Paul said your wife is in total denial, to the point she's shifting the blame by saying you're telling her what to say and do. Do you feel she may try to turn your son against you? Would your counsellor be prepared to say how she behaved when she was with the two of you. I know you said you had little faith in her, but really she is not to blame for your wife's behaviour. I would like to suggest you talk to the counsellor again and ask if she would be prepared to help you if your wife does turn difficult. Your love for your son is paramount now, he needs to know he is important (I know how important he is). If you do decide to see a lawyer, it might be a good idea to tell him/her about the counselling session, how it went 'pear-shaped'. Tell him your main concern is your son.

All the best. Again -I'm so sorry.

Lynda

blondguy · ‎23-06-2016

Apollo.....I hear you...your wife maybe starting the 'you are not seeing your son' routine.....Just to refresh my memory....has your wife threatened this before? Paul

geoff · ‎24-06-2016

hi AB, I'm sorry that all of this has hit a brick wall, but know once this does happen and by her being in denial and rejecting any help that it's now a lost cause and she won't ever change her mind.
Your son will be very astute with this situation and know where his true love lies, and obviously it's with you. Geoff.

Apollo_Black · ‎24-06-2016

Yes Paul she has - she was trying that angle to get me to leave the house, i.e. "Leave or I'll take him away with me and you won't see him until after we go to court"

Apollo_Black · ‎24-06-2016

Thanks Geoff

i am hoping we can be civil about things for his sake, however I appear to be the only one who thinks that - oh unless I conveniently disappear and leave the house to my wife and settle for seeing my son for 2 days a fortnight....

pipsy · ‎24-06-2016

Hi AB. Whatever you do, don't leave the house or your son. It's possible your wife will try to make things uncomfortable enough to make you want to leave. If you do have to go for a walk, try to take your son with you. If it's late night, I would suggest you distance yourself. Do you have a garage or safe haven somewhere the house which you could make as 'your space'? Try not to engage in any power struggles between the two of you. I realize what I'm saying could be almost 'mission impossible' here, but if you really believe she will try to make your life Hell, you have to be prepared for whatever comes.

Lynda

Apollo_Black · ‎24-06-2016

Thanks Lynda. I'm ready for anything - what you said is exactly what she was doing before she suggested counselling so it's like going back to square one. Our house is pretty small so makes it difficult to get space. Same goes with sleeping in different beds - not many options there hence why we sleep in the same bed. Mind you I'm not budging so if she wants she can sleep elsewhere....

I'm wanting to get this sorted but at the same time I'm fearful of making the first move to discuss things. Deep down I know it's not going to end well....

pipsy · ‎24-06-2016

Hi AB. You've reached a stand-off. It's an impossible situation to live in, for your health and your sons well-being, you're going to have to make a decision. Perhaps you should see a lawyer and find out exactly what your position is with regards to your son. How old is he? If you can prove you're a better parent, financially and stability-wise, you may be able to have him stay with you. Depending on his age, it's also possible, he may be able to choose. I know you said your wife will fight for custody, but these days wives have to prove capability. Children these days do have rights to choose who they want to be with.

Lynda

Apollo_Black · ‎24-06-2016

Hey Lynda

i know I need to make that decision and it kills me. Unless something went horribly wrong with her mental status and our son was unsafe (he's 4.5 years old) I would fight for 50/50 which i think is sensible. She thinks he's too young for this. I think considering I'm involved in his life to a massive degree that this is the best for him. I would never think to limit his time with his mother unless she was grossly unfit and neither should she. The fact she has already threatened to take my time with him away demonstrates to me she's going to play dirty and this will be high conflict - which is the furthest thing from my personality and morals as I would ever imagine. It makes me so sad and puts me in a difficult position - and maybe that's why so many fathers walk away, because the alternative is the mother making life hell ultimately affecting the welfare of the child. I know this happens on both sides - but if someone has such intent, why wouldn't they purposefully create an environment of hell so the other party concedes defeat. It's a lose lose.

but I digress sorry, maybe this time round it will be different, maybe she will be willing to do what's right for our son and that's have an equal environment for him to share with his mum and dad...