I'm the father of a child I will never meet

[RemainTheSame]

Hello all and thank you first of all for welcoming me to your forum. As I have only 2500 characters to use, I will keep this as brief as possible.

I did not ever believe I would suffer from anxiety or depression (and truly I find it hard to accept now that I do, I can be so stubborn) until recently. The long and short of it all is that I have been involuntary made a father-to-be. Some of you might think "that's normal, we all go through that sort of feeling before becoming a new parent". Generally I would agree. I am a very different person however. Not to go into this too much but I am a childfree by choice person and I have always been this way. I recently dated a young lady who fell pregnant to me fairly quickly. These things happen and we talked. It seemed pretty obvious early on that she was really not interested in me anymore and just wanted a baby; I was basically a sperm donor. Now, this was hardly an optimum situation for me, being a somewhat vocal childfree person. She assured me that she would cut all contact, remove me from her life and never needed me to enter it again, financially or otherwise. As there wasn't much option I accepted her terms and moved on. The issue was not raised again until a friend of hers contacted me to reassure me that she did not want me in her life, and never truly had. She had just received a 500k life insurance payout from her deceased ex partner and was happy enough to consider that our brief relationship never happened. Small consolation for me....this whole pregnancy is a horrible cloud over my head causing strange thoughts and constant anxiety...I can't even reminisc on good times past without my brain adding in "but that was before the pReGnAnCy InCiDeNt" and ruining my next ten minutes thinking....wash rinse repeat every half hour or so and you get that that must be awfully tiring to have happen.

I have had to accept that there will be a child out there that I will never meet(I don't really want to either....I really don't like children at all)

I am curious what anti anxiety methods people may suggest, or memory suppressant excersizes, I do not want to be affected by this thought process for the rest of my life. I equate my situation to genuine sperm donors and wonder if they suffer similar anxiety to myself.

I lead an active social life which helps and work a demanding job which also helps.

Thankyou again for having me.

[Just Sara]

Hey again RTS;

What you're going thru is totally normal. If you weren't thinking about other people in this situation I might be worried. It's your humanity speaking; we carry guilt so well don't we?

When people confront new issues and don't have previous experience to call on for insight, it gets a little scary. At 29 it's limited especially since you're not married and are career focused.

Apart from what you've absorbed about relationships and parenting via parents and extended family, the rest has to be learned.

I dare say you have a critical mind that's used to problem solving, negotiating and delivering outcomes on a budget and in time. So when a problem hits in the personal realm without any boundaries to call upon for guidance, your mind would try desperately to find solutions for a positive outcome and; close the deal.

What's happening though, just like an evaluation plan, your mind's still finding variables, and those need to be sorted out before your critical mind is satisfied there can be closure.

At least that's the way I see you. You've taught yourself how to address problems with precision knowing there has to be a final outcome. With relationships and babies though, life goes on; and on; and on.

It's no wonder you feel confused.

Hope this helps;

Sez

[Croix]

Dear RemainTheSame~

I too have very fond memories of my grandparents, they were a pool of love and a refuge in a very ordinary life.

Do you mind if I say that at some stage you might be a grandparent too? Yes I realize at the moment that might seem ridiculous. I think you sell yourself short thinking a child - or anyone for that matter - would be better off not knowing you.

I'm trying to put myself in your place and the only thing that comes to mind is not about doing anything, just about not closing off all doors. As Nat says for any child to find out a natural parent later in life is sometimes important, and not something anyone normally thinks about in early years.

Having a mental yo-yo effect with the heavy experience you have undergone is hardly surprising, and as Sez says an orderly problem-solving mind can find such a different situation hard to deal with.

Having parents that want to celebrate that milestone in your life is pretty good.

Croix

[RemainTheSame]

Thanks for the reply Sara. Good analysis, you've described me pretty well there! I can best describe this feeling as an open ended worry. I see no end in sight. This is what concerns me. All the variables seem to be there, until I think of a new one. The problem for me is, will this all just slip away from my mind with time? I am ok with the idea of a child being out there that I never meet. I would consider that that settles the matter. But it certainly doesn't feel that way to me.

[Just Sara]

Hi RT;

Croix brings up an important aspect of our human experience; family. It's not science because there's too many unknowns, but there's comfort and security associated with it - memories too.

Practically speaking, there's pressure in not knowing how to seal the deal, I get that; anxiety's a natural response in this instance.

You can't negotiate with the concept of 'survival' though, which is encoded into every cell of your body. After all, survival of the species is the be-all and end-all of why humans are still here.

How many times do we ask "What's my reason for being?" or "What's my purpose in life?" The answer's simple; to survive and procreate.

So, you've made a decision that doesn't sit well with your primal self; will/choice vs survival instinct.

You've made a baby and decided to leave it up to the mum for the child's survival; the deal's done and dusted...yeah? Accepting this, then letting go to move on is one of the hardest life lessons to learn. That's why they call it 'baggage'...

Any variables (what-if's) are only based on the need to control and, fear of an unknown future. If someone changes their mind, then you deal with it. Otherwise, there's actually nothing left to do.

If you do this and it still worries you, it could be caused by an experience where you created a 'belief' that's being challenged by this incident. Psycho babble? Probably; but it's possible. Yet another variable eh? lol

Hope things are gradually settling...

Take care;

Sez