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I'm so lost and confused. I want to stay, he wants me to move on. What do I do???

BBUser38
Community Member

So my depressing feelings are starting to impact my job, my relationship, my health. These feelings are ruining everything.

But it's soon going to destroy the only relationship I have. My boyfriend of 3 years told me that he has not loved me since August last year. Telling me that he has been trying to find a way to break up with me but he doesn't want the guilt of the pain it'll cause me. He says there's no way this relationship is going to work because we are two very different people trying to fit together. After crying and talking, he says that he'll stay with me and we can try to work it out but he has no hope of this happening.
And I can't help feeling that if I was a stronger person, confident like I was when we first met, that he wouldn't stop loving me. It's all because I can't get out of this hole. And for the last week, I've been crying myself to sleep every night. Everything hurts, I'm angry, I'm devastated, and everything that I've felt since I lost myself is hitting me tenfold. I really just don't know what to do.

It hurts him to fake a smile with me but he says he doesn't want to break up. That the love has changed. He no longer loves me like he did when we were first together. But he cares for me so much that he doesn't want to ruin my life. He says he is happy when I am happy... I'm so confused. He cares, but he doesn't love me. He has been trying to break up with me for a year but he doesn't want to break up with me. He keeps saying he is logical, and our relationship just doesn't work. But he tells my that he's holding me back, that he'd regret breaking up with me but he knows it'll be best for me.

I love him so much that I'm being selfish and I want him to stay with me even though it hurts him. So do I really love him if I can't let him go when this relationship is hurting him. Or is it blind hope that if I finally find myself, that he'll come back to me and love me like before. But this is also his first long term relationship. Isn't it normal to fall in and out of love?

Or am I too afraid to let him go because I have no one else. I've just moved to a different state. I'm a 3 day drive away from all my friends and family. I have a new job that I'm sucking at because I have zero confidence. The only person I have is my boyfriend. And he is everything to me. I love him so dearly. He was the man, I was suppose to spend the rest of my life with.

Grrr, what do I do? Am I delusional, pathetic, or too attatched. Or all three. Please help

2 Replies 2

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi welcome

Of course you are confused when given mixed messages. The bottom line is that he has indicated his shift in his feelings and that shift doesnt fulfill your needs.

When we are in love we no longer think rationally. Eg you are not thinking that you will find love again nor such love would be forever and mutual.

It is a good thing you have family and friends back home.

Separation is traumatic but once that process has completed life has a direction and calm will follow. Your pursuit should be a soul mate, not just someone that cares for you.

He seems confused. As you have started a new job, I'd find alternative temporary accommodation (caravan park?) To see what happens as a last ditch ray of hope. He might get some clarity from being alone. Your challenge then will be to actually not contact him...any contact should be from him as he has the confusion not you.

Good luck and repost anytime

TonyWK

therising
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

A warm welcome to you Mj

I'm sorry to hear you and your partner are going through such a tough time. It can be more than difficult living with depression, for both the person experiencing it as well as their partner. Unless there are some management strategies in place, the challenges can become overwhelming.

Have you considered speaking with your GP about a mental health referral? Have you or your partner done any research on depression? It can be surprising to discover exactly how much chemistry is involved in this state. Education can provide some understanding regarding the importance of identifying depression, as opposed to identifying with it. For example 'I am sad all the time' can become 'My serotonin levels are lower than what they should be in order for me to feel happiness'. 'I am lazy and unmotivated' can become 'My dopamine levels are lower than what they should be in order for me to feel motivation and gratification'. And so on. Thought patterns and other influences are of course factors that also need addressing in mental health.

When your partner identifies you as being a different person in the beginning of your relationship, do you think he is now identifying with the depression, as opposed to you? I know, bit of a strange question but an important one. If he's identifying with the depression, there's an opportunity to reform the relationship, once you begin to manage the mental health angle. If he's identifying solely with his need to move on then perhaps the relationship has run its course, which is also something that needs to be carefully managed.

Regarding the love aspect: Personally, I believe a soulful sense of love is all about evolution. With mutual love, there can be that feeling how when someone we care about may be sick and we connect deeply through compassion whilst investing further energy in helping them evolve into a state of wellness. Or when someone we care about evolves into a new stage of life (graduation, getting married etc), we feel so connected to them through joy. When it comes to self-love, in depression it can feel almost impossible to make a positive energetic connection 1) because of the chemistry involved and 2) because we may never have been taught how to love our self, how to evolve and connect with life.

Addressing the mental health factor and the type of energy present in your relationship may provide a more honest and constructive conversation between the 2 of you, regarding your evolution.

Take care