Struggling with a narcissistic husband

[MP_Lost]

Dumb, b, moron, slow, stupid, stop playing the victim, f off, get out of my face, I’ll call your mum, you’re a slow learner, you’ll pay for this, you better apologise.


I hear these things on a weekly basis, sometimes numerous times a day. The person that says these things is the person that’s meant to love and support me - my husband. The man I have been with for over 11 years.


The things he says to me used to hurt and make me cry but for a long time it’s not what he says that makes me cry, it’s why I continue to stay. I’m starting to believe that maybe he’s right and the things he says is right, after all what person would subject them self to this over and over again.


I don’t tell people that this goes on. To his friends and family he is wonderful and always there when they need him so how would they believe that he’s the complete opposite with me?


I can’t continue to go on like this. I wake up every day wishing that I didn’t but I don’t know what to do to change it. I live in a remote part of the country with all of my family 1000’s of kms away. I have a full time job where I earn decent money but I have no savings because my husband gambles all the money away. We have no kids however I have two large dogs that are my entire world so I can’t just jump on a plane and go home because there’s no way I can leave them behind.


I have decided to post to ask if anyone is please able to give me advice, or offer some glimpse of hope. I know that I cannot continue to stay with a gambling, alcoholic, narcissist but I don’t know how to leave.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Yes, to be called names by people is so humiliating and when it's your spouse - you are alone and sad.

I think nobody deserves such treatment but add the other aspects of gambling and alcohol and that leaves a very unhappy life.

Somwhow I think you need professional guidence. How you go about that is for you to work out but your GP would be a good start. A reference to relationship counseling would be beneficial.

Google

Beyondblue Topic the definition of abuse

Beyondblue Topic bullying

Beyondblue Topic narcissism

I'm sorry I cannot be of more help.

TonyWK

[WhiteBear]

Hi MP_Lost,

I can relate to your experience. Instead in this case it was my wife. She didn’t always use words to belittle me, instead she would often use facial expressions, and passive aggressive behaviours. She was extremely intelligent. 140+ IQ. Mid way through the marriage I soon realised that I was never going to measure up intellectually, especially evident once the physical attraction wore off. At one point, I discovered how much of an impact this behaviour was having on me psychologically. Unfortunately, I didn’t go into the relationship with a strong self-worth. I was introverted and distracted with deep thinking. As a result, I was an easy target. When the relationship didn’t go the way she was hoping it would, she would target this flaw.

Ultimately if you read between the lines. It’s clear your husband is very unhappy in the relationship, and he is subconsciously trying to coerce change. He is actually very fearful. He is not strong enough to communicate to you about the real issues and he isn’t prepared to leave either. Drinking and gambling is a form of escape.

Similarly, your choice is to find a way to open up the communication, or to leave him.
Real loving relationships involve accepting everything about the other person, including their flaws.

You both need to overcome your fears and try to communicate, even if that does involve working out who will be looking after the dogs. Try to communicate during the happy times. Be honest and open. Never regress to indifference about how they’re feeling, even if you see it as trivial, or if you deem it as a personal attack. Be the stronger person, otherwise the communication will breakdown, and it will only result in frustration and anger.

Next best option is marriage counselling.

My thoughts are with you.

WB