I’m ruining my relationship

[Jems14]

Hi all.

I have a long history of failed relationships. All of which have their good parts and bad. Last year I met my boyfriend and we began dating and have now been together for 1 year. He now says he doesn’t feel the same. He is willing to try couples therapy but I can see he doesn’t feel the same way. I tend to pick fights. I can be insecure. I have an ugly streak. But I can also be supportive, fun and loving. I feel alone and given that he needs space can’t seek reassurance from him. I feel so disappointed in myself. Sad I’ve pushed him so far away. I’m trying to keep things in perspective and remind myself that I will be ok regardless of the outcome. But I’m terrified I’ve gone too far and that I will never change.

Im sick of the same cycles. I want to love and be loved. I don’t want to hurt it’ll be hurt.

Starting to lose hope that I’ll ever be happy in a relationship.

[Croix]

Dear Jems~

Welcome here to the Forum, where there are many who have had relationship problems, due to all sorts of reasons.

I guess the one thing to bear in mind is that it really does take two, and once the 'honeymoon period' is over more work is needed by both. It's called a honeymoon period for good reason as it is a rush of emotion that glosses over all potential problems and can fool one into thinking there aren't any.

By the sound of it that time is over and each of you is finding what the other is realy like , which is OK. The fact your BF is prepared to go to counseling with you is a pretty good sign, if it was me I'd take him up on it.

People can change bad habits, I learned never to say anything that could not be taken back, or anything that hurt too deep. This was because I really wanted to stay with my partner and not hurt her. She does the same for me. We sorted out the bitter argument problem together.

I'd imaging blaming yourself 100% for all this would not be right, even if you do pick fights he has to deal with that and come up with a strategy to counteract them (grinning is good), you in turn need to deflect those aggressive urges elsewhere. No, I know not easy, but if a person is worth treasuring then at least a partial success can be good (and make you feel better about yourself).

Not all problems mean the relationship will end.

Would you like to talk more about this? All the above are just suggestions.

Croix

[jollydolly]

Hi Jem,

That sucks - sorry to hear it. What I am hearing in your post, though, is a strong desire to change, and this is an opportunity. Who can help you to break this cycle? I would echo Croix above; if your partner is willing with counselling, definitely go with it. Even if this relationship doesn't continue, you will probably learn some important things about yourself, and start the change you're looking for.

[Jems14]

Thanks Croix,

I guess it just feels like even though he has said he will go to counselling, he has also said that he doesn’t think it can really help. He agrees that he’s partly responsible but because it’s generally me that starts the fights, he can’t see it improving.

i guess I don’t know how to channel the anger that makes me feel the need to get into fights.

He will barely look at me right now. It feels like I’m clinging onto something that is no longer there.

[Sheogorath]

Hi Jems14

Reading the above, I see some problems, but I also see a lot of good signs - he's prepared to try therapy (which may help him see things from a different angle) and you've indicated that you'd like to change some of your behaviours. Those are the sort of things that keep two different people together.

Want to love and be loved? Tell him to let you know whenever you do something he thinks is nice, so that you can remember to do more if it. Likewise, thank him every time he does something nice for you. This isn't going to fix all the problems, but it's a way to build good habits and focus on positive things that strengthen relationships.

Best of luck to you both!

[Croix]

Dear Jems~

Like Sheogorath I see lots to be hopeful about. Relationships can improve an awful lot if both parties try.

You did say

i guess I don’t know how to channel the anger that makes me feel the need to get into fights

For me I don't try to analyze things, I try for time-out. Irrespective of my motive for the anger, even if I 'know' I'm right I try to stop for a little while, even try to do something by walking away for a bit. If asked I say something like I don't want to talk at the moment, just bear with me for a bit. It does take a partner who is sensible enough not to press. After a while the partner gets to know what is happening without asking.

Not 100% effective, but a help. YMMV of course:)

Croix

[Elizabeth CP]

I agree with everyone who have said to try counselling. I was struggling & found I would get upset then my hsb would react & then trigger me becoming really angry. I spoke to my therapist & then arranged for a combined session. The thing that worked was me saying I don't like what I'm doing & I need help to change. Having the therapist there to speak to us apart first & then together we were able to work out strategies to break the cycle. Because I was open saying I don't like the way I'm acting & need help it then meant my husband didn't feel he was being blamed so he was more open toworking together. If your partner feels he's expected to change to suit you he is likely to be resistant but if he sees it as helping you be better then he has a lot to gain. Of course there are no guarantees but making it clear you accept that your behaviour is a problem & you want to change you are more likely to succeed in councelling together. Good luck