FAQ

Find answers to some of the more frequently asked questions on the Forums.

Forums guidelines

Our guidelines keep the Forums a safe place for people to share and learn information.

Announcement Icon
You can win one of three $200 gift cards. Complete our survey by 5pm, 30 June 2024 AEST to enter the draw. Your response will be anonymous so you can't be identified.

I'm at a loss of what to do next

Helenmc
Community Member

Hi everyone

I'm writing in hope to get some unbiased views.

my husband and I had an argument 9 weeks ago today it wasn't that heated but he says "fine I'll leave" proceeded to get in his car and drive off. I was holding his car door open begging for him to come inside but he just lost it and yelled at me never have I seen him like that before .

9 weeks on no contact except week 2 a short text message to tell me it was alol my fault. Nothjng since then .

he left with thr clothes on his back hasn't been back for any of his things since. He still contributes to thr joint account every week still reads my messenger messages when I send them but won't talk to me.

I communicte with him second daily but realise this has prob done my harm then good?

i love him we were happy together I don't want to loose our marriage but 9 weeks is a very long time

thoughts please

15 Replies 15

Dear Helen

That is a very courageous thing to do, setting boundaries for your husband. I said earlier that we have threads from wives (usually) saying much the same as you. Usually there is some sort of mental illness such as depression. Not necessarily all the time though. Partners move away for a multitude of reasons.

I think there is little point in trying to work out why your husband left or why he is staying away. It just adds to your hurt and unhappiness. He may be stubborn or nasty as you have said, he may be unwell. I don't need to list the possible reasons to you. The bottom line is it looks like he has gone for good leaving you to pick up the pieces.

When you say his belongings are still at your house, do you mean personal stuff like clothes? Or does he own pieces of furniture etc which are more difficult to move from house to house. Presuming it is personal items, why not pack them up and tell him they are at your front door. Sounds bit final doesn't it? Well just a thought.

I agree you have the right to set boundaries and if he wants to return you both will need to agree the rules.

You said earlier he ignored his daughters at one time. Is it possible he finds it difficult to have relationships with his daughters and you at the same time. I gather from an earlier post there is some tension between you and at least one daughter. Always difficult with adult children who have left home and are living their own lives. They expect to be treated as adults, which is fair enough, but they also want parents to help them out no matter if the problem is big or small.

And parents can also feel neglected when their children leave and are making their own life. My home felt incredibly quiet when all my four children left for various reasons. I think masked the difficulties in my marriage so when the children were gone it was all made clear. I left my husband nearly 18 years ago. No dependents which was good. I was working and I had a house built for me and I still live here. I did unfortunately fall into a huge depression. You would think I should be happy at the move, and I was. Just shows we should never underestimate the black dog.

Love to know how you go.

Mary

INTERESTING UDATE

my husband without any contact for 9.5 weeks turned up without warning with a truck to collect all his stuff!!! No warning nothjng

no apology nothjng. He was cranky couldn't even look at me

When I asked him why he says you told me to get my stuff out so I am. Wouldn't talk no eye contact when I said do you love me he said yes when I asked about counsellors he agreed to go I asked about wanting to save the marriage he said he didn't know at this point.

i told him to contact me re the counsellor appointment

he was shocked I had moved all his stuff up into the back shed he said god you move fast ??!!

he didn't want to acknowledge anythubg was his fault he just zoned me out woukd basically walk half way around back shed rather than walk past me

he left without even a goodbye got in the truck and left

i don't know whether I should make the appt or not or was he just saying that to shut me up 😔

Wow! That must have been a shock and quite hurtful. Obviously wanting to make it your fault he has had to collect his gear and totally ignoring the second part of your comment about getting together again.

Why not make an appointment with the counsellor and if he does not contact you, go by yourself. You can use the time to discuss where to from here. Much better if he was with you but not a total disaster. I think you need to talk to someone face to face and in real time. This is one of the disadvantages of writing on a forum, no real time interaction.

Actually, now I think of it, you can hold an online chat with one of the BB counsellors. Look at the bottom of the page at Chat online. It's only available between 3:00pm to midnight, but it is real time talking. Do you think this would be helpful.

It sounds as though he is feeling very guilty which I think is why he is keeping up the facade that it's your fault. That's a shame. So much better if he could swallow his pride and talk. What can I say.

Do you know where he is living yet? I find that an intriguing mystery.

How are you going? I hope you have found the hurt reducing a little though I know it can also return with a bang.

Mary

BluBelle
Community Member
Hey Helen, good on you for making it clear you won't tolerate being ignored in a very reasonable and supportive way. If he is struggling with depression or doesn't know how to handle his anger/emotions, it's fair to ask that you make some concessions and be patient - however he needs to acknowledge that first and communicate with you. Otherwise he can go on behaving poorly indefinitely! If it were me, I'd make the counselling appointment (checking first to make sure it's refundable, just in case) for a time when you know he doesn't have work, then send him the details of when and where to turn up. If he doesn't attend, well I guess you have your answer about the future of the marriage. It's terribly harsh, but you can't maintain a relationship with a brick wall. Something needs to change, and it sounds like if you give any more (on top of an already stressful job) you'll just have nothing left in your emotional tank.

Helenmc
Community Member

Hi there

well I've made the appointment for the counsellor it's next Tuesday

I've sent him all the details of where when what time

lets see if he's a man of conviction or not at worse I know I've done everythjng I can

A quick note. Well done. Hope it turns out OK but as you say, you have done everything you can.

Mary