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I love my husband Im not in love with him, what do I do?

Community Member
So we have been together almost 17 years, married 12 and have 4 brilliant kids! I know deep down I settled for him as a string of broken relationships had left me with rejection scars. However, for the most part it worked, i fell in love with him and we managed to marry. He is a dairy farmer so from the start I have spent a lot of time on my own raising the kids. I wasnt interested in becoming part of the farm for many reasons. Fast forward and life is tougher than ever, we took a trip around Aus to rekindle a relationship, basically he had to get off the farm if we had any chance in saving ourselves. It was the best year of my life. It felt like we were different people. There was not a question of me begging him to spend time with us (farmers have no spare time) we just spent time together all the time, met new people, swam, sat on beaches, went on bushwalks with the kids, cooked together, ate together, lived together. It was amazing. We came home and still own the farm but both went off separately to work casual jobs so we still had the choice to go off and explore when we could. Fast forward we are back stuck deeper in the rut before we left, we still own and pay off the farm so on top of a 9-5 job my husband is at the farm every other waking minute...even Christmas day (which previously I had to suck up) but now we are at our wits ends. Life it toxic at home, but we are on the other side of building our life, we are in a good financial position and just sold some land and a house in order to buy a house in town (where I want to live to be closer to everything we do, school, work, kids, parents etc). But life has become so overwhelming and we constantly fight and become horrible with each other (more so me, because I am so lonely most of the time when he dosent come home I get so upset) Last night I told him how bad my mental health was and that i really was very very low. After a screaming match he just told me the sooner I got out and rented a house on my own the better. We had a brief break last November in which I came back and tried to mend things as I just didnt want a broken marriage. However, here we are again. He is a good man, a hard worker, a fabulous dad but has no concept or desire to be a loving Husband. I just crave an adult in my life and after spending day in day out with the kids I find I am so completely anxious come the end of the day because I know if he is home I basically have to fight for this attention.
11 Replies 11


It sounds like your husband has lost sight of what is most important; his family.

The irony is, all of his hard work will amount to nothing if you guys end up divorced. He will lose the two most important things in his life; you and the farm. I'm guessing that is something he has not fully considered.

I hope you can find a solution!

Hey I know what that feels like, desiring some attention. And not getting any from a man that is supposed to love you. It can hurt a lot. Properly more so if you have a history of rejection.

Hey why can't you both just have one day off a week like it was when you went on holidays. Just one special day that marriage and family fun and doing stuff together came first.

You said you were doing okay financially. So have you considered just hiring someone for one day to your hubby's work and stuff.