Is this emotional abuse or do I need major help?

[Shompa]

I have been married 2 yrs now. It is our 2nd anniversary in 5 days and we thought getting good takeaway and dressing up for a dinner date in our balcony will be a good way to celebrate while staying indoors. We sat down to decide on the menu when something really riled up my husband and I noticed he is very upset about something. I nudged him to not feeel upset and angry as we were just deciding then and nothing was set in stone. He got really worked up and started yelling and abusing. I couldn't understand what made him react that way. I tried to reason out with him but he started all the more overreacting. That really upset me and I started sobbing. It always happens this way on our special days. He didn't stop. It was like I was holding myself, but I gave up. It got me so worked up I started throwing things around the house. It has always been this way. It ends up with him telling me I need help.

[white knight]

Hi , welcome

I do think you both need relationship counseling.

You said you “nudged him” does this mean you believe you nudged him but he sees that action differently? There is no justification for physical contact if that’s what it was.

Despite your anger there is no justification for throwing items either...that would inflame not quell things.

His being upset isn’t clear, you haven’t said what initiated the argument or why he was upset, this is the first thing that should be investigated as it is the spark of the fire, the most important thing.

Id also suggest that when men get angry they sometimes are , in their own way, crying inside.

In no way am I letting your husband off the hook, his communication, respect and appreciation is found wanting if the picture is how it was.

Hence I don’t think you are going to fix your problems without professional counseling. They can teach you both techniques to stop things getting out of hand.

TonyWK

[WanderingAround]

Hey Shompa,

People react to stress many different ways.

Some people have a really hard time accepting they're not coping with stress well. I am like this myself. I get angry. I don't get sad, or rather, I would say this is my way of being sad. I know some of the signs myself now, so I guess I am a bit better at handling it. But it took time.

After a couple decades married, I can say my partner is so patient and understanding and loves me the way I am, imperfect as I am. We've had many arguments where we almost went different ways. But we stuck to each other. What kept us together was the mutual understanding that we wanted to stay together, we just needed to find a way to do it in a way that we both love ourselves and each other.

Opening yourself is very hard, I know you know it, because you are here, and this is not easy.

By your description, you planned it together, right? I think this is a good thing, and don't let the outcome take that away. It was a good thing.

You probably have amends to make to each other, and that is not easy. There is no easy way to do it.

But next time, maybe what my partner does to me will work for yours. Hug him. Don't say a word and give your most caring hug, give your best memories to that hug. If it doesn't work, then it's fine, don't ask him to open up, just say you love him, nothing else. If you both start arguing, step back. Don't close yourself, try to put it in words (like you did here, if you need). If words fail, and you feel the urge to throw things around... I know the feeling. It's those words you cannot make trying to come out and they come as that. Try to remember this and resist. Pause and try to put in words again. Breathe.

I sometimes turn the problem around and blame my partner for problems of my own. Not my proudest moments hurting the one that loves me the most. It makes me feel even more guilty and stressed. Give him time, but please, do not tolerate abuse.

Most of all, if you need, find couple counselling. We had a few sessions and professional counselling could help. If the idea is rejected, don't push it.

I wish you both wonderful days ahead. Those memories are what makes a marriage last forever, in my opinion. We grow from each other's support, and we never gave up each other.

(Everyone needs help - you're not alone)