I just don't know what to do anymore..

[Katherine_A]

My 23 year old partner has had severely bad depression and anxiety for almost a year now and it is really starting to affect me in a serious way, I've tried to help him manage it and tried to encourage him to seek help but he doesn't see that he has a serious problem. I have also dealt with depression and anxiety for most of my life and I understand that its hard but he has changed into a different person, he hurts me physically, emotionally and mentally almost everyday but I still stay in hope that I can help him but he doesn't seem to want help. Half way through the year I moved out into my own unit but it didn't help and he just became obbssesed with where I was and what I was doing and I moved back in with him. We are now expecting a child and we are both very happy but he just doesn't understand anything, he yells at me when I'm tired, he yells at me when I throw up or feel sick, he doesn't let me be on my phone in the same room as him. He smashed the window of my car and slit my tyres, I believe it was to have more control over me but it was also in the heat of the moment. Another problem I'm very concerned about, he has been pulling his hair out for almost as long as he has had the other issues and it has become so bad that he won't leave the house, he gets bad anxiety if he leaves the house and he freaks out and I'm the one that has to put up with it. He always paranoid and angry and anxious and I just want him to be the bubbly carefree boy that I fell in love with. Everyday I resent him more and I want to leave but we both come from broken homes and I don't want that for my child but also I don't know if I can go another six months of pregnancy having to put up with all of this, its so overwhelming and stressful and I don't want that for my child, I don't want to wait in hope that he will change and end up disappointed.

I just need some advice or someone to talk to that understands what I'm talking about. Thank you for your time..

[white knight]

Hi KA, welcome

Im sorry you are in this mess. It is a mess because, he wont change I'm afraid to tell you.

Having said that you can google the following

Topic: is there room for stubborness?- beyondblue

Topic: does stubborness have a place?- beyondblue

Topic: the definition of abuse- beyondblue

Im concerned for your safety. Your partner must learn boundaries for him to have any long term life with you and his future child .

Tony WK

[BballJ]

Hi Katherine A,

Firstly, welcome to the forums.

I am sorry to read what you are going through, it is one thing have a partner who suffers from a mental illness but also having a partner who is physically abusive is another thing and something that urgently needs to be addressed as you are expecting a baby and you do not want a baby to grow up in that sort of an environment. I am not here to judge but I am more worried for you and the babies safety. Is he currently seeking any help for his mental health concerns?

It is so tough to give advice on these situations but you need to do what is right for you and the babies future.

Please, post back as much as you like, we are always happy to talk.

My best for you,

Jay

[Katherine_A]

Thank you so mu h for replying! Everything you've said helps a lot! He isn't seeking any help and that is where most of my frustration comes from. I know its hard but I done it and I have only benefitted from it. He just seems to think the world revolves around himself and that everyone else is inferior. Everyone says that he will change the moment he sees his baby but I can't wait that long. I have no where to go and I can't afford not to live with at this point in time but I just don't see it working. I'm afriad that if I do move out and end the relationship he will become obsessed and won't leave me alone or he will kill himself. I feel as if this will go on for ever..

[Katherine_A]

This was very helpful! Thankyou! He isn't seeking help and that's why I'm frustrated. I just want him to be better but I'm not sure that will ever happen..

[Katherine_A]

I don't really know where to go for help and need it so bad. I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't have anywhere to go other then where I am. I'm so lost

[BballJ]

Hi Katherine A,

I know it is hard and you are seeking a solution but it is quite hard to give a solution as if you leave him you do not have anywhere to go as you said and that you fear he will become obsessed and possibly harm himself, on the other hand if you stay, he needs to seek help which is near impossible when they do not feel they need any help. I wish I had some advice to offer that may be able to help you. I will ask other community champions to possibly try and reply in the hope they have been through something similar and may be able to offer more direct advice.

My best,

Jay

[white knight]

Hi again

Id love to help you more but we dont have those facilities. The best thing you can do is contact Human Services.

If in an emergency ring lifeline or the number at the bottom of this page.

As he'll be the father of his child he will have some degree of rights to visitations. Its best for this reason to seek counseling and try to remain friendly.

Tony WK

[geoff]

hi Katherine, I am pleased you have come to the forum, because at the moment this will be very distressing and exhausting for you, especially as you're pregnant.
I'm not too sure he will get better all of a sudden when the baby arrives, he may for a few days, but it will only go back to how it previously was, it's not something you can rely on.
If he has been abusing you, emotionally and physically the red flag appears, which means that he is unpredictable as to what will happen, again a gamble that you shouldn't have to even worry about.
It doesn't matter whether he says it will improve, most times this doesn't happen, it's only an illusion filled with hope but ends in something bad going wrong.
This 'bubbly carefree boy' is no longer this kind, gentle person, he is now different, and in all kindness to him this maybe because of his depression, however it's not the type of person you should be living with right now or in the future, his mood is putting too much anxiety and certainly way too much worry on you.
I understand that you worry about bringing up a child from a broken r/ship, but this is something you must put out of your mind, you and the wife have to be safe, he's not going to change, there will be more problems that will arise if you stay together, please think about yourself and the baby.
I hope you feel as though you can trust us. Geoff.

[Dr_Kim]

Hi Katherine A,
 
I am so relieved that you have posted here with us. I really really hope that you open yourself to listen to what a part of you is trying to say. I think I can hear it .. It’s soft .. but i think I can hear the part of you that needs to prioritise yourself and look after your own needs.

Many of us believe that the only way we will be loved or needed is if we put all our needs aside and serve others. Sometimes that is because we were raised to believe that, or that was our childhood experiences with our own families, or maybe it is our personality style .Whatever the reason, I wonder if you may have fallen into this trap. There is a great book written on this subject by Robin Norwood called “Women Who Love Too Much”. See if you can find it. 

Katherine , I am going to categorically state a couple of things. It is NOT OK that "he hurts me physically, emotionally and mentally almost everyday”.  

It is never ok that some one feels hurt and unsafe in a relationship. I think you have given your self ( and him) some excuses for his poor behaviour, but its just NOT OK - the violence( car windows smashed) , the behavioural outbursts,  the yelling at you, the obsession, the paranoia , the lack of respect and care. 

I see that you want a happy stable family for your child however i fear that as you said he “ doesn’t want to want help” and you " don't want to wait in hope that he will change and end up disappointed.”  I guess you have seen for yourself that no matter how much you care for someone , you can’t change them . He is unlikely to suddenly make a change when the baby comes along as in fact that is a time of INCREASED stress and that is often a really hard time for people to be their BEST selves and make hard changes. 

So Im going to give you some tough advice that i think in some ways you already know…the quiet voice inside that I was referring to at the beginning of the post. You have to really think about what is best for YOU, before your baby comes . Get some help and support to make decisions that are right for you. Find your strength and a place you feel at peace, you feel safe and security and have support to raise your child. 

If you and your partner are to get back together, it has to be only AFTER he has done the work to make the changes that you need for him to be the partner you deserve  and the father your child deserves. NO promises. NO threats of if you go, I will do this that or the other . You need to now prioritise yourself and your child.

Please feel free to call these help lines to get the support you may need to get yourself set up 

 https://www.wire.org.au/

http://www.safesteps.org.au/

https://www.1800respect.org.au/

I so hope you find your way Katherine A.. listen to your healthy strong inner wisdom. It knows. “ I don’t want that for my child “