I had it all...and gave it all away. Not coping
My wife and a recently just separated after 5 years of marriage, 9 years together.We had the perfect life together, house, 2 beautiful daughters great family life, not struggling for money. The only thing lacking was between us, over the last few years we had become more like just house mates. I've been working away in the mines for past 7 years, and at first things were fine, when I was away she missed me would call and text all the time. But over the years it became like she only loved me when I wasn't there. When I was home she didn't want to know me. We almost separated after about 2 years of marriage but worked thru it and things got better for a short time.But about a year ago, she started deciding to sleep on the couch instead of in bed with me.No reason given, just felt like it. We didn't share a bed for the next year, the sex life stoped and no matter how hard I tried she wasn't willing to admit anything was wrong? She said it was all fine and completely normal for married couples not to sleep together.she wouldn't even let me sit next to her on the couch or hug her or kiss her almost no physical or emotional contact at all. She pushed me so far away I began to fall out of love with her. That's when I meet another woman, we were just friends but in time I decided to leave my wife, who obviously didn't love me any more, and try somthing new with this new girl.So I told her I wanted a separation. She actually agreed about the separation and admitted she hadn't felt anything for me for a long time, only stayed with me because it was convinient for her life, me providing everything and her not having worked for last 7 years. So I did what I thought was right and told her about this other girl, nothing had happened between us at that point. And she just lost it.Told me I gave up on us to easily and made me feel like the relationship break down was all my fault. After only a month I realised I made a huge mistake leaving her, so I left this other girl, but i fear it's too late, my wife won't take me back. I know we can find our love again but she's still just pushing me away. I'm siting here up in the mines again, feeling so depressed and anxious all the time about how I blew it. I can't sleep can't concerntrate at work, I feel if she Dosen't give us another chance, I just don't know what I'll do.. I want her back she is the love of my life. I just can't let her go, I won't give up on her again, tho I fear she has given up on me. I'm not coping at all..
That is a tough situation and I can understand how you feel. Women have complicated emotions at times and we can be very difficult to deal with! It's hard to say whether you should have told your wife about the other woman or not, but I suppose now you need to try to focus on the future. Will your wife agree to see a counsellor? Are you able to take some time off to be home for a bit longer?
Hi there Michael
Welcome mate to Beyond Blue and thank you for coming here and posting.
Oh boy, this is difficult (yeah, tell me something I don’t know, I hear you respond). I would really like to pose some questions to you – though you may have already been through these before, but I hope this is ok?
Let’s go back “before” you met this other woman.
Your wife decided that sleeping separately was an ok thing to do – and this was just 2 years into your marriage; sorry, but to me that sounds very odd. Then you were then getting all the vibes of no physical contact, etc coming through loud and clear. Then you suggested that you separate and she was happy with this and she backs this up by saying to you that she hadn’t felt anything for you for a long time. Ok, just to me, an outsiders point of view, major warning bells are ringing and LOUDLY.
At this stage, where you feeling like she was the love of your life?
Now I project forward to “now”. Let’s just say that she will take you back. Where do you think things will end up? Her back still on the couch (ps: must be a pretty ok couch for her to sleep there so often) and just on that, kids being kids, they’ll notice things as well; like, “Why does Mum always sleep on the couch?” Sorry, slight digression – but reading through this, I cannot see how out of all this, she will then turn around her behaviour towards you, to become more physical and intimate, etc. It just doesn’t read like that will happen.
May I ask also, after a month of separation, what changed your mind about how you felt about her? (Remembering all of what it had been like in the lead up to the separation).
One last question Michael – are you back in the home again or is the separation still happening?
And I’m sorry, I haven’t touched on your daughter’s hardly at all – but that must be a big thing with your thoughts as well?
Really would love to hear back from you.
thanks for your reply. The reason I feel like I want her back, despite everything that's happened and all the unhappiness over last few years, is because over the last few months, the harder I've tried to move on emotionally from her and try concerntrate on moving forward by myself as a single dad (she is more than happy for me to have the kids the whole week I'm home from the mines) the feelings of anxiety and worry have been getting worse and worse. Every waken moment my heart is racing, I feel short of breath and can't think of anything else but her and the situation, but just last week I started thinking about getting her back, and the feelings stoped instantly. The thing is that over last few years I have changed a lot. When things were good we used to sit up together all night enjoying a few drinks, chatting watching movies laughing, but I got sick of all the drinking, so I quit drinking quit smoking and dedicated myself to getting really fit and healthy. Id go to bed real early she'd go to bed real late. Our lives began heading in different directions. This is when all the intimacy stopped. I feel like it could be my fault, I changed into someone completely different from the guy she once fell in love with. I feel like if I give away the healthy lifestyle we can have again what we once had, is that a good idea? I can still live healthy and not drink the 2 weeks I'm away at work, and when I come home just ease up on it all and stay up late with her and enjoy a drink and our time together? I know our intimate life will come back if I do this, I've just been reluctant to do it as I feel so good about the healthy changes I've made in my life and know it's been good for me personally. We are still living in the same house at the moment, but she is looking for a rental to move out with the kids. It is tough being under same roof, but then again our paths hardly cross with the way our lives are now. I definitely want back what we once had, I just have to give up some of the healthy changes I've made in my life for it.. It is all so hard to know what to do, I can't imagine life without her but past few years I couldn't imagine my life moving forward with her?? I've always had complete control of my life and the direction it was heading, but I feel completely out of control of everything right now. I feel so lost