I feel lost, sad and exhausted!

[Panda36]

Hi all, this is my first post but I’ll try and keep it short and to the point.

I’ve been with my partner for about 4 years now, although we’ve known each other on/off for over 20. He and I were both married to other people and our respective spouses cheated. He has no kids and I have one daughter. I got over my situation pretty quickly but he hasn’t. Like at ALL! He has been a big drinker for many years and when we first got together I guess I didn’t notice it as much as we lived separately but for the last 3 years I have been witness to his drinking and behaviour. Some days he is great and doesn’t get too drunk and if he does he’s in a playful, happy mood but 90% of the time he is drunk by 8pm and he’s a d*ck. Sometimes I’m lucky and he’ll just go to bed but most of the time he wants to relive his past and he talks about his ex wife and all the people that hurt him or he makes numerous phone calls to his mates where it’s the same thing, he repeats his stories to them, he even calls clients and does it which is SO unprofessional. Then comes my daughter, again most of the time he’s great with her and she adores him but the drunker he gets, he plays too rough and she gets hurt or he picks on her. Then there’s me, he has never hit me but the emotional abuse is exhausting. I’ve had a pretty traumatic life and my dad was an alcoholic, all of this he knows and yet he STILL behaves like this. It’s like I’m on repeat, he fu*ks up, I tell him the next morning how hurt and angry we are, he says he’s sorry and will try better yet 3-4 days later it happens again. His argument to me is that he drinks and I smoke so I should just get over it BUT, yes while smoking is bad, it doesn’t change how I act and I would NEVER do or say the things he does, especially not to my child.

It’s got to the point where we don’t go out after 5pm because my anxiety gets so bad with thinking that he’s too drunk and will embarrass us or complain about the food or see someone he knows and start with his whole “woe is me”. Most nights I sleep in my daughter’s room, she just thinks we’re having a sleepover but he knows he’s made a mistake the night before but just can’t remember.

He picks fights with me over the smallest things or he gets that drunk and thinks I’m his ex wife and hurls abuse at me.

I know that the logical thing to do would be to leave but I keep hanging on to the hope that if I remind him enough times of the damage he’s doing to not only us but himself as well that he will just cut down drinking and not get drunk every night. And also with the cost of living I couldn’t afford my own place as we both run a business together.

I feel lost and overwhelmed but mostly exhausted. 

Any tips would be helpful. Thank you in advance 😊

[sbella02]

Panda36,

Thank you so much for sharing this with us, and we warmly welcome you to the forums.

I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this. I've been with someone who was an alcoholic before (among other things), and it does get very exhausting, particularly if they don't realise how their actions affect others, or even if they know and don't care.

It's important to remember that you and your daughter deserve to feel happy, respected, and safe (both physically and emotionally). If your emotional or physical safety is being compromised, this is not healthy and does not sound like it would be sustainable long-term.

If you've spoken to your partner about his behaviour and he is unwilling to change or recognise how his actions are affecting you, it may be time to either open another conversation or set a plan in place to separate. Make sure you surround yourself with loved ones who will support you during this time, particularly if you intend to leave. If you have any friends or relatives who would be happy to room with you and your daughter or offer you a space if you do wish to leave, this may be a good option to explore.

This sounds like it's also compromising his professionalism at work. If you haven't already spoken to him about this, it may be good to do so and convey how it could be affecting your clientele and ultimately your business. If you have spoken to him, it may be time to involve an HR representative or somebody who would be able to help you tackle this in a responsible and professional way.

Another way to look at this would be to think about what you would tell your daughter if she came to you with this situation - if she was seeing somebody whose actions reflected your partner's, what would you tell her? Would you want her to stay and try to work things out, or would you encourage her to leave the situation?

If you are eager to work things out with him, there are resources you can look into to help you out - there's National Alcohol and Other Drug Hotline on 1800 250 015, or if you have a little search on Google you may be able to find some local companies or resources that would appeal to you. 

My best advice would be to try and view this situation as objectively as you can - as much as you love your partner and have empathy for them and their situation, it does sound like you and your daughter's physical and emotional safety is being compromised here. If one person is willing to help and the other refuses to change or does not understand the effect of their actions, this can be detrimental to the success and health of the relationship. At the end of the day, he's responsible for his behaviour, and you deserve somebody who will consistently treat you and your daughter well, not just on occasion.

I hope this helps, I know it may be a lot to absorb and consider. We're here if you need to talk some more, I'm happy to hear as much as you'd like to share. 

Wishing you all the best, SB

[therising]

Hi Panda36

My heart goes out to you as you struggle with such upsetting and exhausting challenges. I've found living with a drinker doesn't just involve a single challenge but multiple challenges, as you'd know. I think perhaps the greatest one of all would have to involve leading a drinker to see how their altered states of consciousness are impacting those around them.

While I've been married to the same guy for 22 years, it's only within the last year where it finally clicked that drinking to different degrees involves altered states of consciousness. For a partner to drink a little means their awareness or consciousness is largely present. To drink more than a bit means they are not fully conscious or aware of what they're saying or doing. To drink a lot means they are far from being fully conscious. To drink themself to sleep or into a blackout means drinking themself into a fully non conscious state. So, different degrees. Amazing, when you think about it, how easy it is for anyone over 18 to access a whole variety of mind altering substances from the bottle shop. I should add that I'm no angel. I used to drink to 'manage' depression, many years back.

I believe there's only one way for a person to become fully conscious of what they've said or done when they were in an altered state. This can involve evidence that can't be denied. Whether it's evidence of the seriousness of their drink driving (crashing the car or much worse), evidence of their lack of self control (leading to obvious physical assault on others or their arrest) or evidence of their emotional abuse through voice or video recordings, they may never wake up to the impact of their drinking. These are just a handful of examples that can lead a person to become fully conscious. Basically, in a nutshell, without evidence it's pretty much impossible to lead a person to become fully conscious of what they did or said in a non conscious state.

As you'd know, learning to live with an alcoholic changes you. You learn what you can say and what you can't say, so as not to trigger a confrontation. You learn to manage certain challenges alone, especially emotional challenges. You learn to not reason with a person who's been drinking themself into an unreasonable state. The list goes on. When I say there's a lot to learn, it's typically only in hindsight where looking back makes it clear what the education is partly about. I've found it's partly about learning to live independently, learning to rely on yourself because you can't always rely on an alcoholic. There can be a lot of emotionally taxing, stressful and sometimes depressing lessons involved, that's for sure. A big lesson can involve the serious need to become a director. Directing a drinker to 'Go away and come back when you're sober' or 'We are not having this discussion while you're in this state' or 'Do not, under any circumstances, speak to me or _____ (insert child or children's name/s) like that' becomes about directing a person to not cross a line or boundary. Of course, they may fight to cross it, which can involve another serious issue.

From my own experience with drinking, I believe binge drinking (binging on a stack of booze each night or each weekend) is a form of emotional management. Drinking to forget or avoid what's upsetting, what's stressful, what can feel depressing etc, is a way of someone managing how they want to feel. This poses 2 significant issues, 1)avoiding addressing the issues and emotions that need to be addressed (so as to manage and rise above them) and 2)leaving everyone else to manage the fallout of such a toxic form of mental and emotional management. With the 'rise above them' part, you could always say 'While you may not want to raise yourself, the least you could do is not bring me down'. Living with a drinker can definitely feel depressing at times.