Mother dearest

[Princess_Africa]

I am struggling with conflicting emotions about my mother, which I have done for most of my life. 

Growing up my mother was abusive - constantly telling my siblings and I that she should not have had children, physically abusive when she lost her temper and very controlling and possessive.

I understand where it came from as our father was not a very nice man - drunk, cheating and constantly jumping from job to job. It certainly wasn't an easy life for her. However, I do understand that her treatment of us was not right. 

I finally managed to break the pattern when I left home as a very young adult (on the back of a temper tantrum which resulted in plates being thrown at me), refusing to engage with her until she got some help, which - kudos to her, - she did, but it was more about being diagnosed with depression and landing on strong medication than anything other matter or behaviour. I took it as progress though and managed to repair the relationship to a civil state. 

Fast forward 20 years and she and my father split up and when I called him out for his poor behaviour, he cut us all off and started a new life. I acknowledge how traumatic this would be and stressful - in this instance she was truly heartbroken and I would have and still would give anything to be able to take that away. 

To help my mother transition to a different life than she planned, I agreed to live with her for a few years but the possessiveness started again. If I went anywhere without her she'd sarcasically say "thanks for the invitation" and if I had friends over she would just welcome herself and insert herself into the time. The household chores once again fell on me and she relied heavily on me to keep her company. 

Whenever I told her I was planning to move in with my partner at the end of the lease we were living under her immediate response was "What about me". 

My partner and I agreed to offer her to rent a house we had bought at DRASTICALLY reduced rent to help her transition to living alone and she loved it so much it evolved into full market rent for going on several years now. 

The possessiveness continues, she refuses to socialise with ANYONE else but my siblings or I and outside of her job, doesn't leave the house unless it's with one of us (outside of groceries). 

She won't ever reach out to us to "just ask" to meet for a coffee, instead the snide comments have evolved to be said to my partner and our son, behind my back around the fact that she never sees me. 

After years and years of counselling I am at the point of accepting that she will never change and I will never get any apology or closure on the years of abuse. 

I am beyond exhausted at trying to distance myself and manage to cut the apron strings and now see my only avenue to true healthy space is to move away in a few years when the time is right for my immediate family and children. 

I'm exhausted by the years of trying to keep her happy and go to effort just to have it thrown back in my face behind my back and the possessiveness. 

How do I start to love her again as a mother when the toxic behaviour is never-ending and evolving from one type to another? 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

My pet topic. Briefly, Had the same type of controlling mother. My older brother had type 1 diabetes, my younger sister was the favourite. I got out at 17 and joined the AirForce, at 21yo I returned thinking I'd be treated differently, I wasnt. So moved out. My sister became a parrot to her, an echo, and took on the same scheming emotional blackmail as mother. But at 26yo both had a huge argument and my sister became so paranoid about mother she disowned all family members that had any contact with her including me. Eventually all was healed and I was to get married in 1985. 4 days prior to the event my mother ruined it, made up stories and phoned interstate relatives to black mark my name. Some didnt come to the wedding and that whole event was deplorable.. Fast track 2011 and getting married a 2nd time- mother threatened to ruin the wedding, I had no option but to ban her but heard she was going to turn up so had to get an AVO on her through the courts. I havent seen her since and she had her 93rd birthday last week. The sad thing is my sister 3 years ago did similar acts and triangulated me and her two adult daughters. So I lost 3 more relatives. But I finally found the reason for all this-

See, unlike your mother mine never got help. I'm very convinced that my mother and sister have BPD, borderline Personality Disorder but a diagnosis isnt possible without their willingness. A friend told me once "google- Witch, queen, hermit, waif" ... I did and read about my mother, she has all 4 personality types.

The witch will hunt your down where ever you go, the queen has her kids as an extension of herself, the hermit want sympathy and the waif cries crocodile tears for attention and uses others to carry out her punishments.

So what can you do? Well sorry to say, its unlikely you will get to love your mother as you would like to as she likely will sabotage the relationship. All effort will be in vain and that will result in you suffering mental illness as you try to figure out how such behaviour is workable. For these reasons living with her and enabling her to get attached makes it harder to live your own life. Slowly weaning yourself away is the best ideal and when she objects you can answer "I'm not responsible for your social scene mum nor your loneliness". Leave it at that because she will want to argue to place the blame on you for "leaving her". This is planned to insert guilt and it is an effective weapon.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/guilt-the-tormentor/td-p/321604

I hope that helps but likely you'll need to chat more and so- post anytime.

TonyWK