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I Don't Know What I Should Do About Her

Rengar
Community Member

Just over a month ago my girlfriend of 6 months and I decided to break up for the time being due to her depression, anxiety, our own personal issues, and the busy year ahead of her with last year of uni.

Upon first breaking up, we had said to each other that this was simply so she could find herself again so that in future she can be a better partner to me. However, I very quickly started to think this was a mistake and that this break up was not as easy as I first thought it would be. Over the past month, my health and overall quality of life has been becoming worse each day. I am not getting enough sleep and I cannot eat without getting sick because there is a tight feeling in my chest/stomach region all the time, and the only time it seems to go away is when I’m with her again.

The break up isn't a complete cut off of communication, and I think that is what has made it very difficult. She wishes to remain friends so that she has someone to come to when she needs it, as she doesn't have anyone else like that in her life apart from her psychologist. We’ve gone out together to movies and dinners plenty of times since the break up, but this has just made it more difficult to say goodbye after each time. I’ve been taking her out as if they are dates. I pay for everything and I’ve been buying her gifts; I’ve been trying to win her back. Unfortunately it all seems to go to waste as I end up bringing up my feelings about how I want her back so badly and it frequently ends up with both of us in tears.

I have been clinging onto every little bit of hope possible. Even something as little as our snapchat streak is something that has me holding on, praying that she will take me back in the near future. I’ve told her how I feel, and how my life is falling apart, but she still refuses, saying it hasn’t been long enough. She is scared that she will bring me down with her illness, she won't have enough time for me, and that we are going to end up fighting and our relationship will end up in the dumps. It doesn’t matter how much I tell her that I am prepared to be with her through her depression and anxiety, how I’m prepared for the fact that she won’t have much time for me, and that I won’t let meaningless arguments ruin our relationship. She doesn’t seem to believe me.

I am tired of crying, being exhausted, and getting sick. I’d rather not have to cut ties with her, she is a really lovely girl and I love her so much, but I’m tired of being upset.


9 Replies 9

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Rengar~

I'm sorry you are in this fix, it sounds very much that the separation, while it might hep your girlfriend is doing you no good at all.

Any relationship had to be two people supporting each other, and by the sound of it it is all one-way. You are the one actively pursuing the relationship and doing everything you can to restore it to how it was. Sadly it is not working.

As an example telling her you understand and are prepared for arguments and less time together are not things she is responding to.

Having depression does make one feel overwhelmed and does also make one distance oneself from people one has been close to. I've found this in myself. Under those circumstances I've not been open to listen to other people.

The only way I got better was with the proper medical support -meds and therapy. This took a while but I improved a lot, which is where I am today. Does your GF have medical help? If not the one thing I think you might like to try is to get her to see her doctor and say what is happening to her and see if the doctor thinks she has a condition that needs treating in some way.

Unfortunately your girlfriend seem to have the best of both worlds, isolation and no commitment, but on the other hand having you there as a support -and a means of going out. Which might be OK if you were happy and able to cope with this lifestyle - but very understandably you are not.

It may be you need to distance yourself from her. Having all the parts of the relationship - except the closeness and commitment - in front of you all the time is highly upsetting, and to have your desire for things to resume to be constantly rejected would make anyone feel terrible.

Being alone in this sort of situation makes it even harder - do you mind if I ask if you have others in your life who care and want to support you - family or a friend perhaps?

I think you got to the heart of the matter saying the break off in communication was not complete. Do you think it might be worth agreeing to totally part for now and try to live your own lives?

Croix

Rengar
Community Member

Hey Croix,

 

First of all, thanks for taking the time out of your day to read my post. It means a lot.

 

Let's answer your questions...

 

Yes, we managed to get her on some medication and organised to see a psychologist shortly before our break up. I believe she is looking to get her dose doubled soon, and to my knowledge, she is now seeing a psychologist once a week.

 

There are currently only two people in her life that she is able to vent her problems to; her psychologist (which she has to pay to see), and me. This is why she is desperate to keep me around, as she has no close friends that she trusts enough to talk to about her problems, and her family doesn't understand depression and anxiety.Her parents are not very supportive and seem to get angry every time she gets upset. They believe she lives a wonderful life with a roof over the top of her head, and that there are plenty of people living a worse life than hers. Her parents tell her she needs to just suck it up and live her life. This obviously is no help to her and is probably doing more harm than good.

 

I am the opposite. My mother, in particular, has been there for me through this horrible month and was the one who recommended that I should visit this website for further advice.

 

I'm really not sure if it is worth agreeing to totally part for now. I don't know whether I should continue trying to convince her that getting back together is not so horrible and that she only sees it that way because of her depression and anxiety.

 

I really don't want to lose this girl but I also don't want to lose myself.

 

Thanks again,

 

Rengar.

IsaJett
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Rengar

I am so glad you posted and I hope my post will help u. I can't really comment on your predicament but I hope my experience will help u see how to proceed with yours.

When two people are together ...u just enjoy each others companies and appreciate the time together...whatever it is you guys do. There are obviously reasons why you don't want to leave and she still wants you to remain in her life. I am no expert but perhaps she feels pressured with her depression and all . Don't look at it as you are breaking up or not breaking up ... Look at it as two people that care about each other and you being there is you caring for her. Go with the flow is what I'm saying I guess. You might not end up together or you might ...theres a 50/50 chance.

Don't put too much pressure on yourself ,,,in defining the situations as per say. You might drift apart...you might become stronger but that will all pend out. You can only control your own actions but you can't control hers...you can try and sway it but it might end up counter productive. As in you might push her further away. She might come around in due time or might not...but thats her decision.

I think just knowing that you will be ok one way or another is essential . And however the situation unfolds you are equipped to deal with it.

Im not sure if you have heard the time

"if you love something .. set it free...if its meant to be it will return

If its not ...it was never yours to begin with"

I hope that helps you ...and I know she is very special to you and you are probably very special to her as well..so I pray it works out for you both one way or another.

Keep Smiling Rengar..it will all be ok 😉

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Rendar~

Thanks for coming back and saying more. I'm not advising any course of action but simply asking questions. Not wanting to break off is entirely understandable and your GF's circumstances do not sound the best. People of the 'just get over it' type can do a lot of harm.

It's very good she is starting to get medical help. Unfortunately one cannot rely upon it being an instant fix, with adjustment of medications (and the lead times involved) being a normal process. For me and may other people it has been most definitely the way to great improvements, even if sometimes a little slow to start with.

When I've had depression take over people making suggestions or ask questions has often been too hard to deal with, as has their asking me to be a certain way or do things. It simply is too much pressure on a mind that cannot cope with what it has already. In my case it can lead to bad temper or trying to avoid the person concerned.

Do you think if you do continue seeing her it might be possible - no matter what your internal feelings - to leave questions of the future, affection and so on out of the conversation? Very hard to do given your feelings I well know. It might however put less pressure on your GF, something that can only be good.

One of the things I've found very hard to deal with at those times is people making suggestions that at the time don't seem realistic or making demands. Later of course I've been glad they have been there for me, even if misdirected, still that is just me.

Your GF will owe you a big debt for your support and most probably will be very grateful, however if that translates into a resumption of your old relationship is not a given, it is a risk, and I'd imagine it would be heart-breaking for you if things do not pan out.

Having your mum there for you is a wonderful thing, so many are like your GF's family and have no inkling of what things are really like. Their resorting to anger is I suppose a reflection of that - and their own frustration too I guess.

Are you doing things to look after yourself and balance all this worry and hurt? Even regular reading/watching movies/sport can help take the mind away for a while.

Croix

Rengar
Community Member

Thank you for your replies Isabel and Croix,

I am really stuck on what to say and do. I have not had contact with her for two days now. I am trying to be strong and not contact her, as I want her to be the one to initiate a conversation with me. I feel like if I really meant as much to her as she says I do she would have messaged me by now. I thought she needed me. I want to be strong and not message her but I also really want to know how she is. If going our separate ways is what ends up happening, I can already see it will be difficult for me to suddenly stop the daily contact we once had.

Let's answer some of your further questions, Croix.

Croix said:

Do you think if you do continue seeing her it might be possible - no matter what your internal feelings - to leave questions of the future, affection and so on out of the conversation?

I am really not sure. I feel like eventually, my feelings are going to come out again and I will just end up upset again. I really do want to continue seeing her because we have such great times together, but they don't seem to be enough for her to warrant getting back together again.

Croix said:

Are you doing things to look after yourself and balance all this worry and hurt? Even regular reading/watching movies/sport can help take the mind away for a while.

If things get really bad I usually end up spending the whole day sleeping or just laying in bed, being upset. However, since I have been feeling slightly better recently I've been trying to get time to pass by playing video games or watching videos or tv shows online. I also have work to keep me busy, but it seems no matter what I do to try and distract me the thoughts eventually come back and I start to feel sad again.

Rengar

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Rengar~

It is difficult isn't it.

Although I'm not always in a position to do so I've found that activities involving some level of physical activity can help the most. This can be as simple as getting outside the house and going for a walk around the block. If you have a pet such as a dog then that is ideal - plus other people stop and talk to you. Even if not people often smile and that makes a difference

Croix

Rengar
Community Member

I ended up texting her again after a couple of days without contact. I just couldn't help myself. It sucks to be just friends but it also sucks to be nothing. We purely just talked about our feelings again.

I feel like I'm trying to sell this idea to her all the time. The idea that us getting back together isn't as horrible as her mind tells her, and that it's just the pessimism that her depression and anxiety brings that makes her see it this way.

I told her that I want to prove everyone wrong. Prove all the friends and family who are telling me that perhaps its time to let go are wrong. I want to prove to everyone, even herself, that we can function together and rise above our past issues.

She said she will think about it. She wants to talk to her psychologist first.

I'm going to try and not convince myself that this means anything. I'm going to try and just remain calm for this next week (because I'm unsure of when she sees her psychologist next) and see how things pan out.

IsaJett
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Rengar

This must not be an easy time for you. Communication between you both is essential. And its awesome that you want to stay and work things out. I At this time too it is important for you to take care of yourself on your end. Make sure you are eating well and looking after yourself . I remember i was in your position once ...like I was hanging in there waiting for an answer. In Limbo I called it. Cos you think why can't she see what I see?

I had meditation videos by Jason Stephensen ..that was relaxing for me to keep my emotions at bay. You can look him up in youtube and find one suitable for you . His Sleep(Peace) meditation was one of my favourites.

Look after yourself Rengar first and foremost and you will be in a good position come what may.

Keep well and stay in touch

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Rengar~

Please forgive me for bringing this up, but it can sometimes be that continuing on with a subject is counter-productive. I remember very well on occasions my partner making suggestions or asking things and it simply was too much. I either retreated behind meaningless phases or became resentful and angry. As examples I might say I'm too tired to think, or I might be blunter and say leave me alone.

Now that was just me, I don't know what your GF is thinking, but can imagine a situation where there is too much pressure.

While you are the person on the spot and as such in the best position to judge do you think back-peddling your message of getting back together might be an idea for the moment? Being supportive without asking anything in return could be an effective possibility.

Croix