I cant bottle it up anymore.

[No_worries]

This is the first time using a platform like this. I've never realy been a talker. Im not sure were to start. Maybe ill try from my childhood. I moved around a lot with my mother i never met my father he bailed while my mother was pregnant. Sorta still stings probably shouldn't. My mum was a drunk and very volatile. She had a lot of bf's and i dont blame her for trying to find happiness. But her decision to have drunks for bf's brought its own poison. Ive been chased with an axe. Shot at. Watched her get beaten and the list goes on. at this point as a child in grade four. Snapped ive broken one mans arm antagonized them to attack me instead even drove her drunk ass home once or twice. Obviously i resented her for making me violent and untrusting. I left home at 14 moved in with a lady who was friends with my mother for many years. She helped me through school but that came with its own problems being short tempered and angry didnt help. I was lucky to have a principal who understood my background. I eventually finished in year 10 got a well paying job. But with the money i drank did drugs and met a lot of women but i could never settle. The idea of being in a relationship disgusted me. In saying that i met a girl when i was 8. I eventually started dating her in highschool i wont go into detail but it didnt work out. I eventually spiraled from drink driving and having some bad crashes in and out of lockup from fighting. Fourth dui the judge said i was going to jail. I freaked out and put in for enlistment into the ADF he gave me one last chance. So i joined and thats a whole other story. While i was close to discharge i met a woman who made me feel things i didnt know i could and she never gave herself up even with my A game she was by all definitions a lady. I knew i loved her because i had no interest in other woman and she was on my mind all the time. Ive won awards for marksmanship but after meeting her i began to slip and loose focus. So instead of reinlisting i left. Three months after first date i asked her to marry me she said yes. We have a beautiful baby 4 month old girl now. im very successful in my job. But i now find her not talking to me she is angry sad and everything seems like its failing. I feel like a failure as a husband and father i work long hours and i love my daughter so mutch but im strugling to bond i dont talk about my past and i think all those bottles are breaking or broken im lost and not sure how to fix myself.

[white knight]

Hi no worries welcome

I cam relate a little. Ive been in the ADF, been unstable but from there on there is no similarities

As parents we dont go to school to become a better parent...we assume it comes natural. So the same with our childhood, we assume as afults we'll make good decisions but in reality we often need help in the form of guidence

The best you both can do now is seek counseling. You can bring up your issues with your GP first if you like.

Counseling is not only beneficial to the one that needs it, its also good for the one that has to cope with it.

Youve manned up, you know that with your past you have little chance for a stable adulthood. You are concerned for your child being raised without you everyday which you experienced. You know the consequences of a split marriage

So, I'm glad you posted here. A great first step.

Talk to your wife and explain that you are mixed ip due to your childhood

That you know you need help

That it would be magic if she came along

That for the sake of your child it would be great if you both made a grand effort

Give her flowers

And read this. Use google

Topic: relationship strife? The peace pipe- beyondblue

Good luck.

TonyWK

[No_worries]

Cheers mate ill look into your link. Im a little bit over the place. As sad as it sounds i miss being told when were and what i should be doing. All round feel like ive lost it all. Not my wifes fault. I just struggle without routine i think. ive just booked a time to see a counselor when i come back from work. I was woefully unprepared for civy life. The past present and future are just twisting my insides at the moment. Running from a shadow i should have turned and sorted a long time ago. Thanks again for you reply mate.

[No_worries]

i noticed you like poems. This was my go to.

Out of the night that covers me,

Black as the pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

For my unconquerable soul.



In the fell clutch of circumstance

I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeonings of chance

My head is bloody, but unbowed.



Beyond this place of wrath and tears

Looms but the Horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate,

I am the captain of my soul.

[white knight]

Love the poem. Very high standard.

Ive written about 250. We have a poetry thread here

61yo i joined the RAAF at 17 in 1973. I left 3 years later. I had a commendation for my effort with cyclone Tracy that I treasure. I then joined as a warder to Pentridge but like you I was unsettled. The services life is a way of life and civilians cant comprehend it. This causes loneliness.

Hey great you'll see a counselor. Repost if you feel like it.

Well done mate. You are putting your family first

Tony WK

[No_worries]

Thanks mate i was RAinf your 100% correct ive spoken about my time but it always is misunderstood i stoped talking about it a long time ago. Is there a link to the poetry section. I find poetry calms my mind. And props working at pentridge wouldn't have been an easy job.

[topsy_]

Hi No Worries

I don’t mean in anyway to diminish your issues that need dealing with, but as your baby daughter is only 4 months old I’m wondering if your wife is sleep deprived or if post-natal depression has reared its ugly head? perhaps you could both check that out with your GP?

I wouldn’t worry overly much yet about not bonding with your little one. It does take time. You’re so inexperienced with your first child. It’s very overwhelming. I remember feeling like I needed mothering when I was supposed to be the adult.

Also I really remember it took me a long time - 10 months - to bond with my second daughter. I did feel bad about that but felt so relieved that the bond indeed was there.

As for your discharge, my son in law is in the army & it’s very common for people to leave the services to feel as you do. I’m not sure if the army provides any help (they should!).

There is an organisation called Soldier On that helps former defence force personnel. They might be worth checking out.

I really wish you well. You are clear headed & honest, both of which will hold you in good stead.

Take care, Lyn.

[white knight]

Easiest way is to got to the top of the page, press the magnifying glass for search type in "poetry" then scroll down and it will show the link.

Tony WK

[Guest_1584]

Gday No worries.

Yeah l agree she's probably tired as hell for starters.

But l'm also wondering , do you mean your working long hours still now ?

lf so l'm guessing that's why she's turning the way she has , tired, lonely and resentful at you not being around more not only for her to be a couple more but for your child and help and share all that more too.

Dunno what the hours are but l'm thinking if you could cut it back to a normal wk and be home more with your family and wife, it's gonna help a lottttt.

And maybe you could also arrange something so that you can take her out to tea some nights too , give her a break and some tlc. And more time with them both will really help you bond too , it can make a world of difference.

[SashaB]

Just suggestions from someone who had babies not all that long ago...

With a four month old and you working long hours your wife will definitely be exhausted. Consider taking her to a gp to rule out PN depression and/or get a referral to a psych/counsellor. Not just for her sake but for your daughters. I had PN depression (albeit briefly) and before it was addressed I really wasn't great mum, just sad, angry, crying all the time.

When you come home, I know you might be tired too, but pick up the baby. Just let her sit on you, carry her around, or be next to her even if you're just watching TV or folding clothes or whatever. Make your wife a cup of tea. Don't ask, just make it and I swear little things like that will make her day.

If you are stuck working long hours, can you arrange to take random days off (even just once a fortnight) for a while just so you can have an extra day at home to chill with your girls? A day here and there will make a difference for your wife. Tell her sleep in, go out shopping or get a hair cut or see friends or just something on her own for a few hours. When you are home with a baby all the time you forget about yourself sometimes.

Just gentle suggestions from a fellow parent (although you might be doing those anyway). If you can manage a few small changes that lift your wife's mood, and make things more positive, hopefully you can get into a place where you can open up a bit and share all of your feelings and experiences with her. Being open is always a good thing, I think. If you're open, she might be able to open up to you too and just expressing her feelings about things that are making her angry/sad or are difficult for her will hopefully make things easier for her too. If you're both struggling, some self-disclosure might help you feel like a team again. You're working hard for them, obviously care about your family enough to seek help/advice about this and that definitely does not make you a failure.