I can't stop over thinking.
Im ruining everything.. People sit there and say oh it's not you, but it is. I can't think straight I'm happy one day enjoying everything then I'm angry so angry the next it just happens. Waves of emotions. Freaking out like I'm not good enough, like I'm the reason everything is going wrong. My partner smokes weed, and it drives me crazy. I'm fine with the every now and then. But every say is annoying. It's no linger a lovey relationship it's me fighting for attention. To the point where I get angry and grab his phone or poke him.. I know. It's wrong. I get called crazy, psycho. Yea probably am that. I don't have friends or family. We moved in pretty quickly. I have my own place to go to if needed but I'm just struggling. I'm scared of loosing everything. I get told he regrets his decision on being with me bc I'm so crazy, that his wasting his time with me, no point taking me to family events so he doesn't waste his families time. Bc I cause drama every day. I've told him I'm struggling and I just get told tk relax. I feel like I can't talk about my past bc his not interested or it hurts him. I'm so stuck. I'm over this emotional roller-coaster everyday. I'm exhausted, I feel like Im wasting everyone's time. I was fine this morning on top of the world and now I'm in a heap. One small thing and it just sets me in a course of over thinking, he might step out for a bit and j think the worst. His not even doing anything. I can't stop I'm hurt, I dont want this relationship to end.. I dint want to act like this. It's not me. I miss me...
It sounds like a few things are going on with your life atm.
You could explore your compatibility with your partner further, that's what I would do. We all have basic expectations of a partner and if they are never met then it's a lonely existence.
You describe triggers. We are not professional medical people rather people with mental illnesses with life experiences. Your roller coaster needs a GP visit in the first instance I'd suggest. Insight with mental illnesses like anxiety, mood disorders etc is a gift so your self reflection is a good sign.
Also Google the following
Beyondblue topic triggers that down you, triggers that lift you
Beyondblue topic they just wont understand why?
Sounds like you’re in a very emotionally uncomfortable place. Sorry to hear that you have no friends or family to talk to.
I second white knights suggestion to seek professional help via GP, psychologist.
I’d also be happy to talk through all the things that are playing on your mind tho. Is that something you’d like to do?
The process here in Australia is generally you go see your GP, who will screen you for mental health problems and may recommend medication and therapy (you don’t have to do either). You may then get a mental health care plan, which often gets you some free sessions with a psychologist.
From what you’ve said above it’s seems that you are in a lot of psychological distress and interpersonal problems are occurring at the same time, and could possibly benefit a lot.
There seems to be a lot of anxiety and fear in what you’re saying (I’m ruining everything, scared of losing everything, when he steps out for a bit you think the worst)...