I am totally over everything

Gamechanger · ‎13-07-2023

I live with my almost 19 year old son. I have issues and am on DSP because of these issues. I work as much as I can and keep everything running although I don't feel like doing so most of the time. The house is always clean, bills paid, lots of food etc and I make nice meals everynight.

My son is so disrespectful and he is seriously upsetting me. He does nothing but sit in his computer room swearing at idiots on the game. He spends his pittance from his part time job on weed and takeaway food. He had his idiot friend over the other night. They got totally drunk. His friend was asleep on the couch...my son was being totally crazy. Set fire to his pants by the back door, if I hadn't been aware of this the whole house could have gone up in flames. He was being disgusting, rude, scaring me and being so disrespectful to me.

The day after he was ashamed and apologetic. He then had insomnia for three nights and again became argumentative and belligerent towards me. I have tried getting him help and he always bails at the last minute. I am at the stage where I am starting to hate him. He is ruining any semblance of a life I could have. I do not need to be in this big house with the big mortgage. I could live in a unit and have money and no stress. He is totally incapable of living elsewhere and I would not kick him out as he would end up dead. But I am ruined inside by his behaviour and the fact I am absolutely trapped.

His 'father' has a lot to do with all of this but he has remarried and has always treated my son like a nuisance. My son hates him and wants him dead.

I just want some peace and I think there is only one way to get that.

Gamechanger · ‎30-07-2023

Well it gets worse. My sister has a very strong bond with our mother. To the point where she cares about nobody else (apparently). Mother has been ill and I have been trying to help out. Sister controls absolutely everything. I have done all I can to help Mum. Making her food, visiting and ringing her to make sure she is ok. Thankfully she is doing well.

It was my sons' birthday last week. Mum said there was some money for him somewhere..sweet Mum was concerned that my son (who absolutely adores my Mum) would think she had forgotten? I told her not to worry about it at all...it didn't matter. Mum kept on about it so I asked my sister (as she is in control of Mums' money...of course). She said 'didn't Mum give him his money on Thursday'?. I was gobsmacked. She was implying that I was trying to rip Mum off! Also...we did not see Mum on Thursday and my sister full well knew this! I am so angry and upset. She has implied I am trying to steal from Mum and she is trying to gaslight me! I had the misfortune to see her today (first time since Easter). As she came to visit Mum. She showed off about her social outings and the like. Did not ask one thing of me. She hates me and I do not know why. But I hate her now for her vile treatment of me. I will never understand her and I don't even want to anymore.

white knight · ‎31-07-2023

I'd like to cover areas in a philosophical way.

We develop our relationships to believe we are obliged to have strong family bonds. But families usually have favourites and there is nothing that can be done about that. Some parents swing between their adult children for purposes of manipulation, playing one against the other eg if the younger one annoys me I'll give more attention to the older one for punishment. This happened in my family thousands of times, truly, it was like the weather.

In my case I found the only way to find peace (and that is the core of my post here- peace of mind) was to distance myself to my satisfaction then get on with my life. When doing that distancing (and for some of my relatives that included permanent separation) it hurt a lot less and over time a lot lot less!! That option was far better than fighting for what I believed was my rightful place in the family.

Eg I was the best son I could be to my demanding mother. After my father passed on in 1992 I'd paint her unit out, plant trees, hand clothes lines and so on. When I found out that she was criticising me behind my back ("Tony painted my unit out but he didnt finish one wall and I was so annoyed"... fact was we ran out of paint!!) and she favoured my sister in order to punish me then I had to find a strategy that gave me a happier life. So 12 years ago I permanently cut off my mother from my life.

The above is a drastic action also brought about by my mother ruining my wedding. So its an unusual level of toxicity however distancing can be anywhere in between. If your sister has financial power of attorney then she will believe and feel like she is the favoured child. Sad but it is your mothers choice. It is your right and decision making that is important here. Prolonging the toxic environment is only hurting you, your sister and mother are surviving quite nicely no matter what.

So back to your post. I dont feel that you'll ever be content with the current situation and there wont be any improvement coming from your sister. People think blood relative should sort things out well, I'm sorry, my family is a blend of blood and non blood. You cant pick your blood but you can decide what your future will be by deciding if you really want the level of contact that you have.

Am I making sense?

TonyWK