Husbands alcohol addiction

[virgo_rose]

Hi everyone. I'm feeling lost and unsure what to do. Every now and then my husbands drinking gets out of control and results in him blacking out and not remembering how rude and horrible he was to me. This has been a common theme for our 9 yrs together. He has admitted multiple times that he has no control over his drinking and even drinking light beers brings him to the point of not knowing what he's doing or where he is or even being able to figure out how to get home. When he is in this state i try remain calm but it ends in me being verbally abused or him ignoring me. It's as though a switch flips and he hates me even when I'm trying to help get him home or into bed. I have never told him to quit but i have cried many times telling him how sick of it i am and how much it hurts me as many happy events are ruined by him disrespecting me or getting angry for no reason etc. 3 weeks ago he admitted he was an alcoholic and needs to stop drinking. 1 week later he lied about drinking which added another problem to our relationship - honesty. Now he is back to having a few beers a night. And tomorrow is thinking of getting a 6 pack. I can see where its heading. I'm exhausted and see no end in site and am anxious for our future outtings and of him drinking. This is coming between us and i feel we are both depressed. I feel a disconnect. I have tried to support him many times, even avoided buying alcohol myself. It hurts me that alcohol seems more important than our relationship. All the bad memories of him being drunk and horrible and the fact he still won't 'grow up' makes me often want to end things. I just want a happy life together for us. Thankyou for listening

[Juliet_84]

Hi Virgo Rose,

I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this. It must be so awful to feel as though your happiness is out of your control and in the hands of someone else. You mention that you have been together for 9 years and this has been a common theme for the entirety of the relationship, is that right? The wake up call should have been when you cried to your partner and told him how his behavior when he is drinking affects you and how he treats you. The fact that he continues to drink despite knowing that this is how you feel and how he treats you when he drinks is a huge red flag. He cannot use drinking as an excuse for his bad behavior if he continues to drink afterwards. I can’t tell you what to do as you can only make that decision, my only advise after having been with an abusive alcoholic is to take the continual promises to change with a grain of salt - they are very good at manipulating you and saying the things you want to hear to keep you around, but pay close attention to their actions instead of their words and whether they are actually doing any of this changing that they seem so quick to say they’ll do. You may not feel in a state to leave at this present time but I found it helpful to set a time on it, and check in with myself on that date each year and honestly evaluate whether anything had actually changed and whether I was happy.  It can help stop you wasting your life away waiting on someone who promises to change but has no intention of it. I wish you strength, it ain’t easy and my heart goes out to you xxx

[virgo_rose]

Thankyou for listening and your kindness Juliet. Yes it has been a reocurring problem for many years now. I feel as though it is sucking the life out of our marriage. When he gets in a really bad way he is ashamed and disappointed in himself (once the next day roles around). I battle between feeling upset, mad but also scared for his safety as he spends hrs trying to figure out how to get home as he doesn't know where he is. The next day he says he is quiting and I take it with a grain of salt as i have heard it all before. Now he says he wants to be able to have a few drinks only. But i honestly don't know if he will ever be able to keep it at just that. As it then becomes a daily habbit again and i fear that cycle is approaching again. I feel helpless and also feel it is up to him to do the work. I can guide and support but i am not his mother i shouldn't have to tell him not to drink or what to do. I fear the future and if it is to stay this way. But i also fear life without him as this is the only problem in our marriage xx