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I posted this to a reply earlier today but it was suggested I start a new thread, so here it is...

Hi,
I understand this was posted last year, but I have also recently discovered my husbands porn addiction. I am hurt, lost and not sure where to go to next. I am shattered that someone I have been with 17 years (married 10) could have been so dishonest with me all these years. The fact that he has lead a secret life throughout our whole relationship just distresses me. I now also hate myself for consistently spying on him and snooping through his phone. I have searched his laptop and even the tablet. I even put parent control blocks on our wifi! I just don't trust him! And i hate myself for that.
Last time we "discussed" this habit he broke down in tears and told me he has been watching porn at a very young age. He was at a friends place and the older brothers had it on. He has been watching or viewing porn ever since. It is the lies that hurt the most though. I am not a fan or porn as it is so degrading towards women in general and unrealistic, but the lies hurt. I found magazines but in the early days and he said he did look but would stop. And I believed him but now i think about it there has been many times throughout our relationship where the signs where there, but i would believe what he would tell me...i trusted him...but since finding hard evidence i can no longer trust him. I want to and I don't want to leave him. Knowing that this has been apart of his life from such a young age i honestly believe that he has a solid addiction. I want to help him, but am i just being naive? If a friend was in my position, i would probably tell them to leave as there is no respect. So why don't I want to leave?

22 Replies 22

Thanks for the update. Good to read things are progressing. If you want to keep chatting here... We will be around to help. All the best,

Tim

That is good news.

I am happy for you.

Thank you for sharing your story here. Porn does have a negative effect as with any addition but it provides a wrong impression of women, and men in the real world. Secondly, we all know that we all have a attraction for certain people in society but that does not mean, we try to hook up just because we have a fascination of that type of people. The worst effect it has is on the partners as they are omitted from the 'self indulgence' and as a couple you have to enjoy life with each other including being intimate. I know for a fact many men have been exposed to porn at an early age but it leaves one 'disconnected with their partner so the action of 'self indulgence' from both sides, that can be deprived from porn or using sex toys as well, does not do well in the long run of a relationship. We forget the other senses of being intimate with porn, body odor, physical touch, body mass on each other , personal hygiene just to name a few. The whole concept of porn distorts our impression of being intimate with your partner as most women in porn does not look, sound, or look like those people in the adult industry that have made a life of having sex in front of the camera. Its the distortion of the action that is all wrong about being intimate. The end result of this addiction could lead to adultery/ cheating/ lying and eventually lead to loosing loved ones and even friends in our society. I don't know if you are religious or not, but we all know its morally wrong to do and to continue doing it as we all grow older by the minute. You have to sit with your hubby and advise its not doing both of you any good and it has to stop. I hope some of this information is helpful in your continued conversation with your hubby.

Hi everyone,

I'm a female, mid 30's who was exposed to porn at 16 by a boyfriend. We were young and a group of us would watch it together. Looking up porn is free and so many people do it, men and woman. A lot of people r curious, find it stimulating, sexually arousing and it gets them off. Others are disgusted by it. Some couples watch it together. I agree it could also incite someone to cheat or want to try the things they do in porn. The more you watch it the more normal some of those acts can seem and the more incited you could be to try/ explore them.

It's like dirty magazines...lots of men look at those two.

Is it right or wrong in a relationship?I think it depends on how both parties feel about it and have to come to some sort of mutual agreement.

I personally would feel disrespected if my partner was more interested in watching porn than being with me, or was feeling less attracted to me or excited by me because of it. It can also work in the opposite way too. If a man has a low libido it can excite him to have sex.

As a whole i think there are positives and negatives associated with porn.

Only the lonely and Monkey Magic,

Thank you for your replies.

I had to read your post a few times but i 100% agree with you both.

Religious or not, I am going to be here for my husband.

There are a lot of factors that effect a relationship, time together, family/children, and how the relationship has been in the past. For us, this is the most dramatic thing to happen in 17 years. There have been other issues from both sides, but we have overcome them.

My husbands porn addiction is dramatic and has been emotionally damaging, the dishonesty is the killer for me. But once I overcome the shock and had time to think about the whole situation I can say that I honestly know that this is not about me and that there is a much deeper level of mental health here that needs to be addressed. My husbands porn addiction start at age 7! 14 years before we meet. He was not an interested teen or a curious "typical"male. He was a 7 year old child. Although he was never physically abused, i still feel this would have an affect on him just as if he was. By the time he was a interested teen, the habit was well and truly developed. As he got older, he became ashamed of it, and felt he could only hide it and never knew how to stop.

Yes it hurts that he has kept this secret from me our WHOLE relationship. Yes, I was upset, i cried, i yelled, i felt worthless and that I was not good enough for him to want to stop. But after talking with him, and becoming the bigger person, actually listen to him, I have realised that this is not the case and we can get through this because he wants to stop. He wants our marriage to survive this and become even stronger.

So yes, Monkey Magic, some people can find porn exciting and helpful in a sexual relationship, but knowing the how deep this addiction is for my husband, i feel it is something we have to stop all together.

Maybe if our relationship was weak in other areas, and maybe if he wasn't willing to stop or seek help like he is, things would be different. Maybe I wouldn't be here explaining the situation, but rather writing about how to deal with leaving someone that you love.

Dear MrsConfused~

Frankly I think you chose the wrong name, you are seeing things clearly and with compassion. I've confidence you iare gong to make it work .

I don't have any advice ATM, you don't need it (but do keep coming back and saying how you are going)

Croix

Thank you Croix. These post have really helped me. That and the fact my husband has opened up so much. Usually when we disagree on things he just put this wall up and gets all defensive. We've always talked about things but nothing like we have in the past week.

Thank you to all that have made comment. Ypu have help in one way or another.....now if only I could change my display name!?

Dear Mrs C~

I'm really glad we have been of some help, it is encouraging for us to see the change in your posts throughout this thread.

Having frank discussions wiht you husband sounds a great turn of events, hopefully he will see you as an ally.

If you use the form in the page below you can ask to have your display name altered, admin are pretty obliging like that (Mind you, you do have to tick a box to prove you are not a robot! 🙂

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/about-us/contact-us

Croix

Ahhhhh I just want to f--ng scream. I know I need to give him time, I KNOW there will be set backs and I KNOW this going to be a roller coaster but F!

So he has told me that he only posted about needing time for himself. Which is fine as its a start but he hasn't responded since and I am worried that he going to ignore the real issues.

What if he never opens up about his addictions and his childhood?

Will he just build it all about again and then it'll all blow up later?

I just dont thi k i can't handle that.

Well that was fun! My anxiety got to me and I just let him have it.

I was so worried that he'd keep ignoring the real issues and that he'd never get the help he needs. That he never talk with someone. He'd never learn to overcome his issues.

So I told him it was about time that this was about me and what I want/need. I was 100% selfish and felt terrible putting this pressure on him but I've had enough of him always making it about himself and what he wants. He wants time, yes all good but then he wants more time and before you know he has all the time in the world and nothing. He still hasn't dealt with his issues. Last time he was medicated (which did help) but he never actually dealt with anything.

Anyway, I made it all about me and I know this is a bad thing to do. It could totally blow up in my face. But after some yelling, a few choice words, and some home truths for both of us, he stopped and actually lisyened to me. He dropped his wall again and listened to what i had to say. He has now booked a doctor's appointment.

I really hope this is the right thing to do.....I feel like a bitch