Husband has paid for sex

[p85]

Hi 

not sure if this is the right space for discussion 

for the most part I’m to embarrassed to speak to friends 

But long story short my partner has struggled with pornography addiction for what I’d say mostly our entire relationship 

so 12 years

this has put a massive dent in my confidence over the years as he has withdrawn mostly from intimacy and I felt it was me and weight gain or looks, and after having a baby in 2021 I have mostly just ignored it and poured my energy into our children 

we spoke quite in-depth about the lack of intimacy in our relationship through chat when he was flying home from work (fifo worker) he did refuse to accept his addiction has played any part but for the most part I said I lacked any confidence at all to engage in intimacy at this point 

I don’t know why , I then suggested maybe he should seek it and pay for it elsewhere while travelling for work , but that I wanted honesty and transparency. 

he shut it down pretty quickly saying it wouldn’t feel right and then we chatted a little more before we both went to bed

well he didn’t go to bed 

via our account statements I saw he then left his hotel and went to withdraw cash pretty much immediately 

the next day when I saw this on our banking app I asked and he said he went to a gentleman’s club and got a private dance , which was hurtful but I didn’t believe it as I know he didn’t have the kind of attire on him required to wear to a club 

I checked phone records and googled the number he had called which showed a massage parlour with full extras at the exact price of cash he withdrew 

when I confronted him he said nothing except he has worked in hell for four weeks and has nothing to show; 

so he kind of redirected to me saying I have spent too much money (I in fact don’t go anywhere or do anything , I make sure all household bills, kids and pets are taken care of , I also work part time ) 

he didn’t respond to the accusation of paying for services at all

I am not sure where to from here

he goes back to work in a few days 

I feel really hurt , he won’t even admit to what happened 

But part of me also feels like well I told him to go do this thing so he did 

like I encouraged this in a way and have him a free pass 

I guess I’d hoped he’d see that as a cry to have him invest in our intimacy and relationship 

I know my insecurities are playing a part in this but I honestly never thought he would just go do it immediately 

I can’t just up and leave

three kids and pets and where am I going to go 

even then I don’t know if that’s what I want

i am still very shocked and hurting 

I feel numb 

and I feel sick to even look at him 

it hurts that I am here alone a lot raising our kids and running the house and trying so hard and then he did this without almost a second though 

sorry I’m advance  for the long post ! 
thanks for reading 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome 

It is indeed a testing time for you. You have flagged the trauma of "where will I go" in as much as moving out. I think eith kids, pets and disrupting your kids lives it's unfair to expect yourself to move, besides as a FIFO worker he could seek accommodation locally. 

Yes, it wasn't the wisest comment (to suggest he pays for sex) but he knows you and it appears he capitalised on that comment. It made things safer for him. That doesn't excuse his actions. 

The decision to separate is a hard one and totally up to you. The only thing I suggest is if you do, it's best to do it face to face, alone. At the same time express your desires to remain joined as a team towards communication for the best interests of the child.

I hope it works out. Sessions at a counsellor would be beneficial. 

TonyWK 

[p85]

Thankyou so much for taking the time to respond.

do you Think just any counsellor will do or how do I find one who specialises in this area 

thanks 

[geoff]

Hello p85, if you are looking after all the family, including your pets and doing everything you possibly can, then it's an exhausting job, yet a thankless job.

Irrespective of what happens, visiting a counsellor as suggested by Tony is a great idea to help you gain the strength to realise this isn't what you want from a husband.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[white knight]

Hi

A couples/relationship  counsellor. Your GP or council could help.

If your husband refuses to attend I recommend you go anyway. Clarity being your goal.

You are a remarkable person. You might well deserve better.

TonyWK 

[Juliet_84]

Hi p85,

Wow you really didn’t have to tell him twice did you? Blind Freddy could see that you were just looking for a bit of reassurance from your husband, which is understandable, particularly considering his long-standing porn addiction which has taken a sledgehammer to your feelings of self-worth and desirability. If only he had actually shut it down at the time and meant it, that would have been the decent thing to do. But alas he took it as an opportunity to get what he wanted and then hide behind the guise of “you told me to do it”. The fact that he lied about it and said that he went to a gentleman’s club shows that even he grasps how not ok his behaviour is, and the fact that he deflected it by saying “he has worked in hell for 4 weeks” is just pure gaslighting behaviour. This sounds like a HUGE breach of trust to overcome, and that’s if your husband was an otherwise trustworthy human, which I’m not entirely sure he is. I suppose you have to ask yourself, if he stays the way he is, with his current behaviour, can you accept this life? 

[p85]

Thank you Geoff

kind words and good advice which I am following up on 

I know I need the counselling myself even if we do agree to couples counselling 

i an just in two minds between wanting to keep my family together and really wondering if this behaviour will ever change 

[p85]

Thanks for taking the time to respond Juliet_84

you are right about a lot of things 

he knew it was wrong 

and no I cannot accept this life if he continues on this path 

I have told him that right now i believe we both need individual and couples counseling

He claims to be serious about wanting to fix his issues but I am yet to se whether this is for certain 

I still don’t really know how to feel

Right now I just need space from him I think

[geoff]

Hello p85, I am not condemning couple counselling at all, but in situations like this he will try and water what has been done, so if he wants to get help then perhaps he should seek counselling by himself.

The trouble with him doing this is that it creates a barrier between the two of you in many ways, which you may already be aware of, and to rebuild your love for him would depend on many issues and if you happen to go out together, your fear could be him continually looking at other people and the way he talks with them and this may become embarrassing.

I realise you want to keep the family together, which is understandable, but I often say to couples who are having problems that the kids cope with being in two happy households rather than one unhappy household.

Please stay in touch with us.

Geoff.

Life Member.