Husband ending marriage - severely depressed

[Cjm158819]

I am completely at a loss. My husband who has been my best friend and soul mate for 15 years ended our marriage.

He is staying with his mum, barely has any stuff and has left everything at home.

He started with the I love you but not in love with you line. In my mind that means the spark is gone as we are wrapped up in everyday life, kids etc. Life is hard we both work full time, have a demanding 3 and 6 year old.

After he said this, we had an amazing week together and bonded well. Then all came to blows one night where he kept threatening suicide and left in a rage. Next day he ended it. 

He stopped his medication suddenly a couple months prior. 

He will not try and work on our marriage. Everytime I ask to not make decisions when he is severely depressed he yells and screams and tells me to stop. This has been going on 4 weeks and everyime I try to talk about everything he won't answer, says it's over and there's no trying. It's like he suddenly projected all his hurt in life onto our marriage. We were happy, lockdown took a toll on him and he was diagnosed as severely depressed. He has a lot of childhood trauma. We were always open and spoke about everything. He has changed into someone I don't know. It's like the man I married literally died in front of me. 

I've taken on the load of everything while he's tapped out and he couldn't care less. I snapped tonight and told him I'm completely done as he won't have a rational conversation about everything so I can move on with my life.

This is emotional torture for me, so I'm cutting all contact now. One minute he didn't blame the marriage and said he's numb to everyone and everything and the next it's over its over I've told you a million times. 

If it was a toxic marriage, if there were major issues I would accept and move forward and wouldn't of been fighting.  

He has mentioned he's worse since he left our home. He's on week 4 of his medication again and his dose has been upped as he is worse.

He makes me feel like I'm crazy and he keeps saying I'm pushing. He has no idea the effect of all of this on his family. I snapped tonight as I have the full time pressure of 2 demanding kids and a high pressure job. 

[Cjm158819]

I'm not proud I just lost it at him. The pressure of isolation, us having covid and the kids full time has gotten to me.

I don't know what to do anymore. I offer him support as he tells me daily his heads a mess and he goes I don't want help or to talk how much clearer can I be. 

[teamwork]

Dear Cjm,

Oh dear.. Sounds too familiar.. Please don't take it personally. It's the depression talking and not him. And don't beat yourself up over showing your feelings. All of what you are feeling is valid, own your emotions, sit with them and let them through. The more you hold them up, the worse it will feel. Trust me, I have been there. 

You will have days where you feel fine and then the next day might feel raw - like things only happened yesterday. It's normal to be sad about your relationship. 

Is there anyone that you can talk to - when you are upset? I have 2 amazing sisters that have been my constants every single day. 

Please continue to feel free to reach out when you want to talk. Happy to lend a listening ear. I do hope you and the kids feel better soon. take care.. xx

[Cjm158819]

Thank you for your kind words, you are very right.

I luckily have a good support network and started councilling yesterday which went well and I felt a lot better.

Just trying to focus on me and the kids and be happy. I can't control or fix anything. Music also helps 🙂

How are you travelling?

[teamwork]

Hi Cjm, 

I am as ok as can be. Just taking one day at a time. It’s so hard some days, my mind is constantly on my husband, wondering how he is, if he feels bad, if he misses us, so many if’s! I’m grateful everyday for him.
He said to me once that he feels so much blame, and I felt bad for him. As much as I try to talk him out of this negative mindset, he finds himself back there again. There are days where I try and encourage him to see reason and try to get help but, he gets so angry. he says that I don’t understand him and what he’s feeling. So I have stopped bringing it up. I have also limited my interactions with him via calls and text. Occasionally i will message him to let him know I am here for him if he needs to talk. 
How are your kids handling it? They are a lot younger so it must be hard. Hope you and the kids are feeling better. 

[Bigheartmum]

I could have written this myself - it’s heartbreaking, hurtful and like paralysis being on the receiving end of this ending 💔

[teamwork]

Dear Bigheartmum. Sending you so much love and hugs.. Something in so little that you said gave me a glimpse of myself a year ago. 

These forums helped me so much and i hope you read them all. It will give you closure to know that none of what is happening is our fault.

[Cordyline]

Teamwork - thank you for your honesty and sharing. I am also walking this path - my husband insists he's not depressed but is completely unable to express his feelings or face conflict at all. He says he has been to seek help to assess for depression but they said he was fine. He just walked out after 22 years and has now been living in a different house for 6 months.  It's incredibly hard to understand, and support him when its like I don't even know who my husband is any more. I am going to read into the 180 to see if that might be a strategy but it's hard because like everyone else - I have two children to care for between us so I have to see him quite regularly.

[teamwork]

Dear Cordyline

Thank you for reaching out. I am so sorry that you are going through this. It's damn hard when you have kids. It's so hard for them to look inward and see the impact of their actions on us and the children. How are your kids doing? My youngest struggled for so long.

It's now been 12 months for me and unfortunately my husband is still in denial. The anger in him is still there, so much anger. Like you - I don't recognise my husband either. He told me recently that he wants to move on and wants to have a relationship with a colleague. I was devastated but, i saw it coming (from all the various threads i read on this forum). As hard as it is, I have decided to put myself first after 12 months and move on with my life with my children. I have had to put some boundaries in place to save myself heartache because i am still so in love with him. He has certain days that he is allowed to come visit during the week. On the days he can't be here, he can call and speak to the kids or they call him. I still try and maintain a good relationship with my husband but, often there's so much misunderstanding and miscommunication that leads us back to square 1. I also need to put my children first and what's good for them. I encourage them as much as i can to maintain contact with their dad everyday. The last thing i want is for them to lose that connection with him. There are very hard days - but, I do what's best for my children. I am still attending my appointments with the psychologist to manage my emotions, the kids emotions and how to coparent without being overly emotional. It's a long road ahead but I'm trying to embrace the new freedoms I have and leaning on my support system (family) to get through this. It's still early days for me but, i'm taking it one day at a time. 

Please feel free to reach out. Happy to be that listening ear whenever you need. Hugs to you.. 

[Cordyline]

Thank you - I've only just seen this as I was logged into the wrong spot! My children are in their teens and so, are really struggling to understand why their dad has just walked out on me. We've just started talking about mediation to sort the finances out - it all feels way too hard and way too confusing.  I have days where I think I'm ok and then days when he texts to just say stuff like "what time shall I pick the kids up?" and it makes me hurt so much my teeth ache and I get knots in my stomach. Every day feels like a facade at the moment, like I'm pretending I'm ok and I'll get through this but honestly, I can't imagine my life without him despite now being able to see how much his trauma and denial of depression has caused me upset and stress over the years. I feel totally and utterly abandoned, after years of holding the family together he's just gone without any attempt for repair. 

I'm not even sure he really wants to be a dad at the moment either as his communication and thought towards them is also pretty terrible right now. It's as if he just wants to be young free and single again. 

I'm seeing a psych regularly but it all feels like horse poo - I just want my life back and Im so very very sad that my best friend of 30 years has just changed overnight into a man I barely recognise.

Sorry for the rant, hugs back to you too.