Husband always thinks I'm having an affair

[ElectricBlue]

My husband and I have been together for 7 years and married for 3. We have always been very deeply in love but he has always had trust issues. He has asked me if I'm cheating on him so many times I've lost count. I used to be a very social person but slowly lost contact with most of my friends as our interests seemed to become completely different and I never really made any new friends.

Last night a group of people I used to work with (but honestly didn't really like all that much) invited me out with them. I said no but told my husband that being invited made me miss having friends. He got all upset about it and said that if I really wanted to go out with people I "hate" then there must be an issue with our relationship. I explained to him that this has nothing to do with him or even the people who invited me, I was just saying that I miss having friends. He replied with "well go make some" & left it at that.

All day today he has been very cold towards me and has said that either I'm lying and am actually having an affair (& that going out with work people was a cover) or I'm unhappy in our relationship. How can I get him to see that me wanting friends again has absolutely nothing to do with him?

I'm also concerned that if I did make new friends & started spending time with them that I would be accused of having an affair again.

[quirkywords]

Electric blue,

welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story,

Is your husband worried about you having male and female friends or just worried about male friends,?

I had N experience of a partner who didn’t like me emailing males or having male friends. He even complained if I had males as friends on FB.
Luckily over the years he relaxed but it feels so unfair and controlling,

Has your husband had an experience in a previous relationship where he was cheated on or another e oerience in his past that means he can’t trust you.

when my partner used to say why do you need a male friend, I had known this friend for many yeArs, I felt he didn’t u derstand how important friends are.

my experience is different but it is wearing for you not to be trusted and isolated from your friends. It can lead to you maybe resenting your husband even though you love him.

thanks for your openness and honesty.

it is difficult, Have yiu ever discussed why he can’t trust you.
quirky

[ElectricBlue]

Hi Quirky,

He definitely does not want me having male friends as he doesn't believe men and women can be "just friends", however I'm not overly concerned with that. It's not necessarily me having friends that is the issue. If I go out with friends he's actually concerned that I'm lying and off cheating on him. I believe he wants me to have friends but it just gets in his head that I'm not where I say I am or I'm not who I say I'm with.

I believe that this all comes from how we started our relationship. We both had other partners when we met and, very wrongly, started up a relationship before ending it with them. Ever since then he has had major trust issues with me. Even when I was pregnant he was asking if I was cheating on him.

I know, given the way we started, it is probably totally understandable for him to feel like this but I have never cheated on him & never would. I have tried to talk to him about it but he just seems to change the topic.

It's really upsetting of constantly being accused of being unfaithful and feels very isolating as I don't want him to accuse me of anything so I don't bother going out or doing anything he might find suspicious.

EB

[quirkywords]

Eb

Thanks for explaining how yout relationship started,

I am sorry you have to go through this and you understand how he feels but he can’t seem to trust you enough to go out,

How will you feel if he does not change his mind and you can never go out,?

thanks for sharing your story,

[Juliet_84]

Hi electric blue,

I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this with your husband. My partner was extremely jealous when we got together, and remained that way for about ten years. I learnt that you can’t really argue or reason with them because it’s not really based in reality. These are his issues and he needs to address them. Yes starting a relationship before you had ended your previous relationships but it sounds like he was also in a relationship and you aren’t behaving this way? I think that testosterone can predispose some men to being jealous but that’s not everyone either. I would suggest to him at one point that he needs to see someone about his behavior as it’s not on and it’s having a negative effect on you.

[Guest_3256]

Hi ElectricBlue.

I can understand what you may be going through as my partner can be very similar at times. It sounds like your Husband is insecure which is created by past trauma/ previous experiences, his own self-esteem and how you treat/speak to him.

If you haven't figured out yet what is causing him to behave in this manner (as it can be a form of emotional abuse), you need to observe him and how he reacts to what you say. Simply put, how you are saying things maybe triggering an episode of emotions - something he may be having difficulties managing. Also note that we all get insecure and suspicious at times, this could be something you may not know you are doing. He will react to certain things you say to him and as his Wife, it your responsibility to make sure you are communicating to him respectfully and in a way not to hurt his feelings.

If it is possible, simply ask what you can do to help him feel more comfortable about his suspiciousness and also that he needs to understand this his behaviour is not tolerated, especially if he sulks (being moody, not speaking with you, ignoring you, neglecting you etc).

Also, build trust in him - try finding out what he wants to do, maybe find a couple where you both can participate, not just your own friends. Include him in your outings.

Let us know he things go.