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Husband admitted chatting online with a girl overseas for a month and wants to meet her & have a long distance relationship with her

Sobrokenup
Community Member

Am I a fool for staying? At the beginning of June my husband told me he loves someone in America that he has been chatting with online.They have only chatted for one month! They have sent each other a couple photos and also do voice messages. He is at home all day messaging her while I am at work.

He also stays up all hours of the night messaging her.

I am staying because financially I cannot live anywhere else. I am not an Australian citizen we are from NZ. We also have a son who thinks the absolute world of his Dad. I have no family here just a few friends, but they are not super close to me.

He has said he will look after my son & me and visit the girl frequently... if him & the girl don't work out he said maybe we could get back together...

He is sleeping in another room...I don't know where the doting husband & father to my son has gone. This is simply totally shocking and heart breaking.....

Tonight I broke into tears & said I can't take his coldness & anger towards me anymore. He now talks to me like I'm a stranger or at times even worse than a dog..

I said sometimes I feel like just taking my son & moving back to NZ. But my heart breaks for my son knowing that he would hate to be away from his Dad......And the real killer for me is that tonight he said if that's what I really want I should do it!!! Without even any hesitation or thoughts for his own child's little heart breaking.......he acted like he could careless.

This is shocking behaviour each day I am seeing a new different ugly side to this man. One month ago he was so loving and just the ultimate family man. How can this happen?

9 Replies 9

Juliet_84
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Sobrokenup,

You are not an idiot for staying, it sounds as though you are desperately trying to keep your family together at any cost. But the problem is sobrokenup, you can’t do that on your own. A relationship takes two parties to be committed and your husband sounds as though he cannot he relied upon. He says he will look after you and your son and visit the girl frequently - how exactly would that work?!?! It sounds to me as though he wants to keep you around while he sees if things work out with this girl, and if they do, will leave you and your son high and dry. I think that you need to start taking what your husband tells you with a grain of salt and start making plans for you and your son. I’m sorry things have worked out this way for you, you don’t deserve to be treated in the way your husband is treating you.

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Sobrokenup, thank you for your post as this must be very disconcerting for you, sorry welcome to the site.

What Juliet_84 has said I agree with and what happens if he and the girl don't work out, is it possible he will come back to you or will he want someone else.

Does your son know what he's up to, but even so, at the moment it's you we are concerned about because you can't have a husband who wants someone from America and then have you in the background, it can't happen.

If you do move away from your husband it also means that your son seems happy because he wants you to be happy.

Staying married to a man who seeks pleasure from someone else isn't a suitable marriage and it won't work.

Being in a long distance 'relationship' only means they tell each other what the other person wants to hear, but when and if they meet up, then it's a different story because eventually the truth comes out.

Do what your heart tells you to do but you may need help in doing this because circumstances have all changed so can I suggest a couple of options, first see your GP and ask for their advice and secondly I would contact Anglicare, they were who I also saw and I was extremely pleased with their suggestions.

Geoff.

quirkywords
Community Champion
Community Champion

So broken up,

Juliet and Geoff have given you supportive helpful replies and I just wanted to say I am sorry you are experiencing this .

This must be so much of shock for you.

You have the support of many people reading your post and some will be able to relate to what has happened.

i agree with Juliet that you don’t deserve to be treated the way your husband is treating you.

Also I feel you should be making decisions and not reacting to what your husband says.

Take care and feel free to let us know ow you are going.

Quirky

Thank you. I have done lots of thinking last night and you are so right. I almost am putting this strange change in him in the mental health category. I feel he needs help, but only he can do that for himself. He has admitted to me that aside from this girl he has lots of sexual thoughts about all other women and that it's constantly on his mind. He thinks he might even just go out and sleep with others at times.This is hugely alarming for me and I have no words. However it hit things home to me that I cannot be complacent about this. I need to think ahead.

Sobrokenup
Community Member
Thank you Geoff your reply means so much. Anglicare is a good place to start. All the things you say in your post are spot on. I need to plan ahead I can't hang around hoping.

I know I have wasted so many tears in the last few weeks. Trying to have meaningful talks with him about this. I am hitting my head against a brick wall. The problem is just what you are saying....it doesn't matter what he says I need to stop listening. He no longer cares so why am I bothering??

Thanks for replying . As You realise you need to have a plan and to think about yourself and your son. if you want to, let us know how you are doing. we care about you and are here to support you.

Quirky

Hi sobrokenup,

I’m so glad that you found our advice helpful. I appreciate how hard this must be for you right now, you have had the rug pulled out from under you, and the thought of the unknown is daunting. I recall when I left my partner, I was scared out of my mind, was terrified at the thought, and truly believed I would never survive on my own. But one day it had just all became too much and I had a brief moment of insane courage and I just kept going. I had been so downtrodden that there was something deeply satisfying about proving him wrong. It was hard at first, I’m not going to lie, but I am at peace, I never cry anymore, I love it and can’t believe I ever let myself be treated that way. Your husband may have been perfect in every other way, but this shows such a degree of deceit and callousness that I would find very hard to forget. Also, if he met her online that would mean that he was already online looking. Your partner can go and see someone and get help if he wants, but there’s nothing that says he can’t prove that to you before you decide to take him back.

Hi Sobrokenup, what everyone else has said is spot on, you don't know what's happening between your husband and this other girl and there's a possibility she has come over, that you won't know and won't be told, that's where the trust has gone, no different than before.

As he has thoughts about having sex with other women puts you in the background again, that doesn't happen in a marriage where you both love and respect each other.

He has now become a stranger in a relationship that would be much better to be broken up, trust has gone and so has companionship, but please know that you have all of us to come back to.

Geoff.