Hurting. Psych Ward Friendship Terminated by Husband.

[BlueEyedVirgo]

It’s been four weeks since I last saw him and I still just want to hold him. Know if he’s okay.

I get angry, upset, devastated and dwell on one thing to another and am so very teary. I  feel my husband has just given me one more thing to hurt about. There was/is already so much in my past and present to work through. As did this other person, so I also feel it was VERY cruel for husband to do that to someone he knows nothing about and is already suffering and battling to find positives in life. But then I think maybe he did him a favour in ridding him of me, I didn’t want to drag him down or distract him when he needs to look forward.

This is the third (and only) male friendship my husband has not approved of since we’ve been together but the first time he has interfered by contacting him from my phone to warn him off. I worked it out through intuiton and confronted him, he’d deleted the message. He says it was because he was afraid of losing me and didn’t trust him. We both have past relationships ruined by cheating – mine, I was the cheater, his – he was the one cheated upon. I have been completely faithful to my husband. If he was to lose me, he should have known it was coming seeing as we are technically separated. Waiting for him to commit to relationship counselling.

I admit that perhaps there was a risk of an emotional affair on my part but thought I was handling things with certain boundaries. There was a connection, but not a neediness, we’d hoped to continue outside of hospital – and I’m not talking more than contact once or twice a week in public place.

 I feel it is egotistical to think my friend thought of me as anything more than just that, and there were signs he didn’t need  me, or was even attracted to me, but it was a nice friendship to have. Husband destroyed a mutually beneficial friendship where there was non-judgemental understanding. A little ray of sunshine risen from the dark place of being hospitalised under the Mental Health Act and the events that brought us there. Which is why I am here I guess, to vent  and look for local groups. I felt less alone having him in my life.

This week is my first without antidepressants for over 14 years so I’m sure that is not helping my episodes of crying and frustration.

Thanks for reading.

[Pixie15]

Hi,

What your husband did does not sound right.

If you want to have someone to talk to have you may have a Grow group in your area. They meet up once a week for support and arrange phone contact between members. I went to a few meetings in my local area. It was not for me but I could see that it did help other group members.

Best wishes,

Grateful

[BlueEyedVirgo]

Thank you for your reply. If it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't - right?

I had found GROW in an internet search and unfortunately it's about an hour away but may look further into it anyway.

I can't stand not being able to talk to husband, I can't explain why I'm upset again, he sure doesn't want to hear it, about this one thing anyway. Though he did apologise for hurting me and I did appreciate that.

I miss my friend but tell myself it is for the best. Even though I never talked to him about my home problems. Just a hug meant so much.

thank you Grateful, I'm grateful for your reply, one and only so far.

[white knight]

Hi BE,

Grateful was right.  I am 58 and married for 3 years. My wife trusts me 100% and I her. I have many female friends, more female than male (its my soft side) and she is never controlling nor jealous.

Sorry but if it was me in your shoes I'd have my bags packed. No one will ever control my life that much.

And what is in the past- is in the past. Previous lifestyles and mistakes are irrelevant.

Good luck . 

[BlueEyedVirgo]

Hi White Knight,

Thanks for your post.

Sometimes I feel I already have my emotional bags packed due to many issues with him, and he's trying to put off the counselling again due to work. So I've asked him to move into the spare room AGAIN. This time he has without him threatening to 'just leave' and he knows we are in real risk if we don't do the counselling. He has realised his past hurts have been playing a part in our relationship. But now I feel his behaviour has pushed me away and has me seeking a new connection, emotional or physical, if I can't have the one I had - and clearly I can't, he successfully scared him off. And who knows, maybe I was a fool thinking this other person cared and it's all for the best. I'm working on focusing and letting go of daily and past things that send me spiralling. The tough thing about splitting is that we have a young child. And I am so very grateful for him for standing by me and his patience with my mental health issues, I'd feel so mean, cold and guilty.

Since coming out of hospital I have been trying to take control of my own life as I've felt for a long time that it was' his world and I was just living it', that I was just along for the ride. Stuck. It is very 'do I stay or do I go?' but I really don't want to move again, finally in a nice place, and I worry further financial strain could push him over the edge. Already I see anxiety and touches of depression in him. As well as being scared of being alone when elderly, 'love the one you're with'?, And fixing it not throwing it away seems a stronger choice (and in agreeance with my religion).

So hard to control my emotions, so much to do, and I can't do it all alone. Or maybe I can? But I have someone who cares and love me, why destroy that?

Anyway, thanks for your time. At least I got a bit out - I hate harping on about the same issues at my psychologist sessions, we are working to get to the bottom of things and I just hold on week by week til the next session.

thanks.