How to deal with being abandoned

[Melly997]

My husband moved out 4 months ago but it t was only supposed to be for a few days to clear his head. He said he felt the world closing in on him. He said he was getting angry quickly & then felt guilty about his reaction. For 2 weeks he stayed in touch & said we'd be fine but over the next 4 weeks his contact stopped. No calls, no visits, no messages, nothing. I tried to see him before he caught the bus but when I did he was always moody. Then I got a text saying he was giving up (which meant our marriage) because he was better on his own. Just like that. No effort, no discussion, nothing. It ripped my heart out.

I sent him emails & texts begging to come home, to talk, telling him I'd support him through whatever he was going through - nothing. After 10 weeks I asked him what did he want me to do with his things. He said to put them in one place & he'd get them. He also said he appreciated the words & sentiments but kept contact sparse until he felt comfortable being himself.

Last week he came & got all his things, said he wasn't coming back, was happier & better on his own & it was too late to fix our marriage because he felt nothing. I have suspected all along that he might be suffering depression but never did I think this would happen. Never.

During the first 2 weeks I bought tickets to a concert he wanted to see. I made sure he still got one (which turned out to be the day before he got his things) & was encouraged because it only took him 30 mins to pick it up after my text. I hoped he would go. However last night he didn't show & it hit me like a ton of bricks. He doesn't want anything to do with me. This man I love has basically abandoned me & I am at a loss as to why his feelings went from love to nothing in only 4 months.

I sent a message to one of his work mates yesterday asking him to keep an eye on him & if he agreed with me about depression to point him the direction of getting help. I also want to help him but he's physically & emotionally unavailable to me.

I  want to know why does someone push their loved ones away, shut them out so completely & end all contact? Do they ever return? How do I deal with the pain without blaming him when it might be depression & outside his control? Do I keep trying to make contact or leave him alone? Am I just trying to justify the end of my marriage by 'diagnosing' it as depression because I have nothing else to go on? 

I need answers because I am at a loss & feel helpless.

[Melly997]

Pipsy,

You hit the nail on the head about him being narcissistic. That is even what my psych thinks. I thought a narcissistic person was only about ego but doing a little research showed me it is much more. I looked at the traits & I could clearly see a lot of them in our relationship & our ending. So today I finally have a starting point for the healing process.

I feel a little wiser & my eyes are a little wider because this is all about him - not me. Will still take me time to accept it but if I can understand it then I'm on the right path. Forgiveness? Might be a bit of a stretch at this point.

I'm not saying there aren't possibly other issues but this one makes sense & I gotta say my shoulders feel a little lighter today.

Thanks to all of you have listened to me & given advice. It is nice to know that there are still good people in the world willing to help a stranger.

I'll keep you updated.

[Paul]

You're beautiful Melly,  just remember that. No man can take that away from you and when you come through this you'll have a stronger bond with your beautiful self.

Paul x

[pipsy]

Melly,  Everything lat's said is true.  As you heal and get stronger, you will find you will be able to get past the hurt and humiliation you feel.  Forgiveness will come in time.  Eventually, you may even find you feel a bit sorry for him that he is unable to commit, therefore he will never know a true, loving relationship.  When you meet the person who is 'right' for you, and they give you what you give them, love, commitment, respect, it's beautiful.  Once you have that, you may then feel sorry for ex, who because of his personality disorder (that's what narsissism is) will never have that.  You will have a wonderful, new life with someone who loves you, he will have nothing.  You have to feel sorry for someone like that.  My brother is like that, I cut him out of my life years ago, but I still feel very sorry for him.  He has substance abuse problems. 

You are going to be okay and stronger.  What a lucky guy, the one you eventually meet.

[Melly997]

Having a hard time at the moment. Was my birthday on Sunday & even though I didn't expect him to get in touch, I hoped he would. Now all I do is have thoughts circle in my head about how I have become completely irrelevant to him. 

I know I have to move on but it's easier said than done when you have loved someone for 9 years & they show absolutley no regard for you. Hard enough that you had the loss of your relationship & they have moved on but now you also have to deal with the possibility that the whole thing was a lie.

I have done a lot more looking on the internet about narcissism & I can see certain characteristics but then I question myself whether it's all in my head & I'm only remebering what I want to to make him fit the profile.

I made an appointment today with a solicitior regarding protecting my assets & financial situation & that just makes it all the more real that it's over. For whatever reason this breakdown/separation is hitting me hard; maybe because I made the committment to him & married him & believed it would last until our last breaths.

I know with time I'll heal but I want it to be over now, not in a few months or a year etc - NOW. I want it just to stop. I want the tears & doubts & hurt to stop - NOW. I want to believe that I will find someone who will love me the way I deserve to be loved but for now both my head & heart fail to see beyond today. They fail to see that what has happened is probably for the best & that he is the real loser in this because he will continue to repeat this behaviour.

Anyway that's it for now. Thanks for letting me get a little of this heaviness off my chest.

[Paul]

Hey Melly

Big Hugs - I can sense the desperation and pain and the punches you're throwing at yourself along with the questions about whether it was a lie.

The truth is that you loved him and now it's over and you need to grieve. He must have loved you, but that changed and he has moved on. 

It sounds like things are a bit overwhelming at the moment as you are wanting your head and your heart to see beyond today. Your head did, you've made preparations to protect yourself legally. Head is in check.

Someone WILL love you the way you deserve to be loved and they will adore you for who you are. Just not at the moment. I reckon your heart is wanting a bit of a break and needing to take stock of what the hell is happening with all the changes and the missing husband and the head saying "move on!" It's going to take time Melly. A bit of pain, a lot of self love and caring for yourself, pampering, getting back in touch with what you love, good friends and a bit of navel gazing.

My psych has just echoed in my head "Don't let a crisis go wasted, learn from it" (Thanks Doc)

Don't forget the grief resources here on the website.

Don't forget to get on here and rant and scream and bitch as much as possible!

Paul xx

[pipsy]

Hi Melly.  May I say 'Happy Birthday' for last Sunday.  Yes, you're doing what all victims do.  Blaming yourself for what he did.  That's normal, the questions, what could/should I have done differently, the answer:  nothing.  He is who he is, because of him.  He is the only person who can change him.  You are also going through 'withdrawal' symptoms, i.e, was he really that bad?  That too is normal.  Sorry to say this, but 'time' is the only thing that will 'heal' you.  You are probably thinking you'd rather be with him, unhappy, than alone, unhappy.  Would you really?  To go back to what it was like, not believing him, wondering who he's with when he's not with you.  As I said before, when the time is right (and it's not -yet) you will meet the best man for you.  You are a warm, loving, caring person who deserves the very best.  Once you are past the hurt, hate and anger, you will come out the other side better.  The pain WILL stop, believe me.  Every time you start to feel pain and anger, try to remember, that's part of the grieving.  Allow yourself time to grieve, as Paul said, rant, rave here, get the 'poison' out.  Also remember, you are the better person, you are honest.  You are actually better off than all the other women he will come into contact with.  They will all eventually suffer as you are now, try to feel a bit of sympathy for the innocent victims he will hurt.  He will wind up alone, you won't.  As you start to heal, try (I know it seems hard at the moment) but try to forgive him, he can't help the way he is.  He's weak, you're not. 

Onward and upward now and forever. 

BB is ALWAYS here.

[Melly997]

Thanks Paul & Pipsy for the kind words.

You have no idea how grateful I am for the support & understanding.

[Melly997]

Well it's been 6 months & 1 week since he left the house & yet I still grieve the loss of our marriage. I know I'm getting stronger but there are days when it still feels raw. Knowing he is happy in a relationship he started only a few days after moving out & then moving in together only a month after officially ending our marriage has been hard to comprehend (or forgive) plus it's not how a normal person in a long term relationship would act which supports my shrinks thoughts that he has serious emotional issues.

Never in my wildest dreams did I ever picture how rapidly downhill things could or would go or that he would turn out to be such a despicable human being.

I went to a lawyer last Friday to find out my options. Today I sent him an email regading our Financial Separation (can't apply for divorce till 18/07/16).  I have tried to be fair & as we had no real joint accounts I proposed that what is in his name he keeps & what is in my name I keep. As for the house we bought, there is still a large mortgage so I am hoping he'll let me keep it rather than try to screw me out of it (I'm the one who has been paying the mortgage).

My shrink is worried that if he came back I'd consider a reconciliation. I told her that he won't come back because that would be like admitting he was wrong and made a mistake and he'd never do that because it would damage his pride and ego and make him appear fallible to his friends. I guess this is a positive for me. However, I still wish karmic retribution on them both.

I will continue to take it one day at a time and because I spent so much time focusing on him during our marriage I need to find myself again.

At this time of year it is hard if you're alone but for those left behind - don't let them steal anymore of your joy.

I wish all those going through the same thing I am (or any other personal issue) a Merry Christmas. May you all find the peace and healing you need.

[pipsy]

Hi Melly.  Been thinking of you and hoping you're doing alright.  I realize this time of the year it's hard to think 'Peace and goodwill to all men', but as you probably know, not all men are tarred with the same brush as your ex.  Can you get an 'online divorce', it would be cheaper for you if there's no children to consider.  Plus with your home, if you're paying the mortgage, you may have to consider 'buying him out'.  If the house is in both name's, unfortunately, you may have to either sell, or as I said earlier try negotiating a settlement figure.  I would get a valuation made on the house and, based on that, offer him a settlement.  With him being narcissistic, you're right about him not admitting to any fault.  It's all your fault, that's what he'll tell everyone who'll listen.  I did suggest a short time ago, whenever you feel like 'stalking, punching, kicking him and his friend', take your anger out on a soft item (that way you won't hurt yourself).  Kick, punch and swear at a pillow or your bed.  Remember, it's not your fault, he chose to live a 'double' life, he lied to you.  You ARE and always will be the better person because you married him believing in him.   He's not worth wasting your pity on, I would pity the new woman he has, as he will do the same thing to her. 

Try and enjoy your new life without worrying where he is and who he's lying to.  He can't hurt you anymore.  The grief you feel will lessen.

Merry Christmas, my friend, may the New Year bring you happiness.

[Melly997]

Hi Pipsy,

It's all good today. He agreed to my proposal so neither of us needs to pay the other anything AND I get to keep the house free and clear. I've forwarded his response to my lawyer to get things moving ASAP so he doesn't have time to think and change his mind. He always said he walked away from his first wife and marriage with nothing and could do it again but I chose to be fair so I didn't want to touch anything he owned/worked for and hoped he would do the same - which he has.

This is one big win for me and takes away some of the unknown.

Have a great Christmas and thank you (and everyone else) for all the advice you have given me during this crappy time 🙂