How do I let his cheating go and move forward

Jellybabies · ‎07-10-2015

Oh wow this is so hard, I'm shaking even typing this, but I have to get it out!

I have had a pretty traumatic 6 months, the anxiety has always been there but I've usually maintained myself well, in May I found out that my husband was having an affair of sorts with my half sister, they had been sending each other thousands of text messages, I knew about that (approximately 3000 per month) I didn't even really worry or think anything of it as my sister does that, and had done that to me but because of my lack of response to her, she had begun texting my husband as he responded to her, I didn't worry because I trusted my husband more than words could express, but what I didn't realise was that they were also sending each other intimate pictures and videos of themselves, and I only found out by accident as a picture of her naked top half came through while I was there via Snapchat and I clicked on his snapchap and saw it, he denied it saying it was obviously an accident and she said that she accidentally clicked his name that it was meant for someone else,

but after finally getting my hands on a bill 2 days earlier and quirying him on video messages he had sent her at 2am along with literally hundreds of text messages with in the same time period, I put 2 and 2 together, he had told me the videos were nothing, they were just silly things like tv shows as they both couldn't sleep and we're bored.

He was working away at the time on a 2 and 2 roster so this was happening while he was away from home, I did however find out that it had also been happening whilst he was home, she was sending him pictures all the time, even while I was sitting next to him, he would not come to bed and it carried on whilst I slept.

They both say it never got physical, we had stayed in her home many times and I always went to bed first leaving her and my husband alone, he swears black and blue that nothing ever happened in person that it was always via text but how can I believe that, seriously HOW!!

I haven't told a single soul, the only people who know are myself, my husband, my 'sister' and then her mother knows and my father and my other half sister, I've had zero support, I've had to continue pretending my sister and I are fine and friendly, and I'm trying hard to save my marriage, I couldn't tell my mum or my brothers and their wives because I knew it would tear their relationship with my dad to shreds, and it's taken many years to build a relationship with him.

pipsy · ‎07-10-2015

Dear Jellybabies. You poor thing. You sound as though you're trying to convince yourself that what they're telling you is the truth. I'm afraid I would be questioning their relationship too after all the texts etc. You say you love and want to believe him, but HOW? I think not telling anyone in the family is wise, as you said, building a relationship between him and the family has been a long, slow, process. What I would suggest, ask your husband (don't order him) to cease all contact with her immediately. Tell her straight, back off. I wouldn't threaten to expose them, threats usually backfire. I wouldn't offer any ultimatums, just be honest and tell him, enough is enough. Men are funny creatures. What hurts us doesn't affect them. Don't use the 'If you love me, you wouldn't do this' argument. That won't mean anything. He doesn't even have to tell her not to contact him, neither of you do. Wait till she makes contact again, then you reply and tell her to go away. She's not going to say anything to the family, how can she without admitting what's been going on. He's got a lot to lose by continuing this whatever you call it. I wouldn't say that to him, though. That's a threat.

Hope this has helped.

Jellybabies · ‎07-10-2015

Thankyou for your reply Pipsy, when I found out things did blow up, I didn't even have to ask him to cease all contact, he has changed his phone number, deleted his Facebook etc, and he is incredibly sorry, he says he has had a long term pornography addiction that he has hidden for our entire relationship of 16 years, that with technology it has grown out of control, and he only saw it as live porn,

I also know my sister has a problem with sex addiction, I've known this for a long time, she has many issues, and likes to play mind games and win, I know she initiated this as this is the 3rd married man she has done this with, she has no boundaries when it comes to this, I think that in a way has made this a little easier in that I know he was a just another notch on her belt so to speak, and I have witnessed her relentlessness with other married men, she preys on men who are feeling weak and builds them up then stalks them via text and will not back down, and once caught she plays the blame game,

but having seen this from her 2 times prior tells me all I need to know regarding how this begun. I just can't believe my husband fell for it and let it happen.

im just struggling to let it go, he has shown me he is sorry and that it was a mistake, but I can't let it go, it runs through my head continuously and it's driving me mad,

thanks again 😄

pipsy · ‎08-10-2015

Hi Jellybabies. I suppose the only good thing (if you can call it good) is he admitted to you about his addiction to porn. I'm just so sorry for you both. Lots of men get addicted to porn, my husband did for a while. Thankfully he 'grew out' of it. It is going to take time for the memories to cease, but they will. They are bad memories, but they're memories only. I would suggest you and your husband maybe get involved with something together. Are you sports fans, enjoy football. Do you enjoy dancing? Try and build a life together. I don't know your ages, but as he gets older, you may find this addiction will fade. The more 'together' you are, the less the memories will happen. I get angry still, when my husband contacts his parents, after the way they treated me. The anger fades after a while because I concentrate on what we're building. My husband visits them monthly, it hurts (if I let it). Don't let the bad memories destroy what you're building. Cease all contact with your sister, she needs help, but your life together is more important to you.

Forgive him because hate will destroy you once it 'takes over'. Look at it this way, he wasn't unfaithful to you in action, just thought. You will get through this, if you work together. Remember, he loves you, only you.

God bless both of you.

Jellybabies · ‎08-10-2015

Thankyou pipsy, you have given me some wonderful advice that has been really helpful, and you are right we will get through this, I just need to give myself time, and working on being an 'us' again is such a good idea, I feel like over the years with 4 children it's become more about them than about us, and we need to create a better balance so we don't get lost amongst it all again.

thanks again your reply has meant a lot to me 😊

mrsrelle · ‎09-10-2015

Dear Jellybabies

your post made me cry, I feel so sad that you have feel I go through this. I'm 2 years in from finding out my husband cheated with who meant to be my friend. They too constantly text messages. Meeting up to see each other behind my back and within my family home.

I did leave leave after finding out what I thought what was true, but return which has been a very hard road, as cause the other married woman didn't let me be.

i struggle every day find it hard find people who understand my worries and anxieties I have.

u must not go this alone as way forward if all cards on the table with everyone no matter how much it hurts

pipsy · ‎09-10-2015

Hi Guest_1750. I too felt sorry for Jellybabies, but hopefully her situation will get better. Her husband loves her and wants to work things out. With your situation, it sounds as though your husband wanted you to catch them. I'm sorry the other woman made your life worse by not 'letting go'. Did you tell your husband that she was annoying you? I do understand your anxieties about what happened, but I have to wonder why he strayed? Husbands usually stray because someone makes them feel 'young' and desirable. I'm not blaming you, don't misunderstand me, all I'm trying to do is help you get past your anger and hate with what happened. Anger and hate clouds your common sense and sometimes makes you say and do things you normally wouldn't do or say. Try and look outside the square at why he strayed. What I mean is, ask him straight out why? The answer will probably hurt, but wouldn't you rather know than carry on not knowing. I know if my husband strayed, I'd want to know why. I wouldn't want to know where and when, just why? He shouldn't have brought her into your home, that's low. He may feel you don't love him, I don't know. All I'm saying is: talk to him, ask him why? Don't scream, rant or rave. That doesn't work, even though you want to physically hurt him. What would that achieve - a night in prison for grievous bodily harm, is he worth it? Just talk to him, quietly. Do you love him enough to give it another go? I feel you do.

mrsrelle · ‎09-10-2015

Hi

those questions have been asked and still doesn't know why he did it, and he said got trapped in end that he thought id leave, he said if one that i my have stayed he would told me long before i found out.Yes he knew what she was doing as did everyone in town she telling everyone she pregnant even though she married and with her husband and kids. Police knew and my counsellor as well who wanted me stay clear she she was threat to me as she obsessed seeing me go down.

i know everything i had to no more secrets which may be my down fall as i always seconds guessing, and yes he had moment weakness that someone found him attractive etc. We got lost in life kids and work. But id never in million years hurt the man, my father of my kids. I asked over and over during the affair was it going on, i knew deep down. I guess i don't forgive myself being hopless wife and not being there for him and also protecting my children from the hurt i live in small town with teenage girls.

it was never him i wanted to kill it was her and i was always the bigger person always i regret that a lot. Now she happy as and sill haunts me.

i know sound crazy i am i guess, anxiety and depression is hard no one understands they think i should just get over it I WISH

pipsy · ‎10-10-2015

Dear mrsrelle. Believe me I do understand your anxiety/depression, more so than you realize. The hardest part for you is where you live. Small town, everyone knows everyone, no secrets. It sounds trite, not what you want to hear right now, but, believe me, you will get past this. You are not hopeless, don't ever think that. Your husband is the hopeless one, extremely weak. You are stronger, he's baled out when the going got a bit tough. You've stayed with your kids, raised them, given them more love than he ever could. All he's taught them is 'playing' is fun. Playing together as a family is more fun. You said she got pregnant, to your ex or her husband. If she's pregnant to your ex, he won't stick around too long. He doesn't want the responsibility of wife/kids. He just wants to be a child. If he does stay with her, you don't know whether they'll be happy, behind closed doors, no-one knows what happens. Try not to dwell on them, (hard, I know), but show your kids, you are there for them. They need you more than he ever did. Your kids are your greatest attribute, through them, you will learn love, peace, laughter.