Found strength to open up and now Im separated from husband

[Florrie_Jo]

Hi all

Well i finally got the strength, through the sobs, to tell my husband Im not coping and Im not sure how to move forward. He rsponded by saying he feels the same then launched into his story of how unhappy he is. Then he revealed he had been unfaithfully previously..randoms I think...i dont really want to know.  At that point i had a moment of clarity that this marriage is over and my girls and I deserve to be number 1 and happy. He is not a bad person, in fact we've had many happy times. He is however selfish. My girls and my worthiness  has been measured by how neat and tidy we keep things. Our needs were an inconvenience. He pays the bills so that exempts him from participating.  Fishing is his number  1 love...his obsession along with keeping everyhting in a neat, tidy well placed box.

We have been together 19 years and now I think about it, i have lost my authentic self trying to be someone Im not - for him and his family tradition. I have no doubt that this has been a huge part of my depression. Even though I am sad, a little scared and feel incredibly sick in the stomach I do seem to have a spriritual feeling that itll be okay and I can be happy again.

 Im riding the wave and break down every couple of hours ( it only happen 3 days ago), i guess my biggest fear is not coping emotionally and stuffing it up for my two little girls (12 and 10). I'm listening to guided meditation when i feel like i need to shut up the mind chatter. Im on anti-depressants and got the script filled so there's no mucking that up. Ill book a counselling session Tuesday...i just need to get through the moments of saddness and grief- i know it cant be avoided, just would like to skip ahead 6 months in the emotions. 

Im sure Ill be back on the forum to get some advice and to feel understood.

Blessings to all who are going thru a tough time

Jodie.

[geoff]

dear Florrie Jo, I know how difficult this situation is for you and your girls, plus it's also very hard to decide to post your comment on this site, with the fear that no one will respect what you have said, but that's not the case here, because my choice and decision for wives and particularly when children are involved, is that once trust has been broken then there should never be any looking back on trying to regain the marriage, why, because you never know if and when it will happen again.

The chances that it will happen is when the two of you have a disagreement or an argument so your husband storms off, with the possibility of this being with another lady, so the probability of this happening is high, I'm sorry I maybe wrong.

I know you don't want to know, but it could have been many times before, so I'll leave it at that for the moment.

OK he maybe a good man in many respects, but he has behaved like a husband shouldn't, sure there are times when both parents have had a temporary gutful, but in a marriage that is solid enough this will be overcome.

There are some comments that seem as though he has OCD, however, what he has done is causing you to have depression, and when this happens you have to then question the marriage, and the future for you and your girls.

There are other issues that need to be mentioned, but firstly I would love to hear back from you.

I'm also pleased that you have made an appointment for a counselling session, but your doctor can organise a 'mental health plan' for you, which entitles you to 10 free visits to see a psychologist, but it may take a couple of sessions to know whether or not you like this person who you are talking to. L Geoff. x

[Florrie_Jo]

Thanks Geoff. I have already reconciled that I do not want to be in the marriage. It is unhealthy for all. I have Lupus which im sure he has resented me for. The fatigue annoys him most. Anyway being 47 years of age i have the benefit of knowing that if there is one or two lies, there are probably a lot more. I dont need to know what they are because Im going to move on to start living my life again. our marriage is over but our parenting partnership remains and im determined not to stuff up my part. I do love him but only as father to my girls. Anything else vaporised a long time ago.

 thank you geoff for your words. Im sure you'll see me back on here...probably an hour or two lol.

jode 🙂

[Nene]

I'm in the same situation Jodie. I have been separated for 6 months after 30 years. Now, he is beginning other relationships. I've found that hard to take. It sounds as though you are prepared that this will be tough and scary with conflicting emotions. I'm finding it hard to let go even though I instigated the break up. I keep wishing that he would just apologise, and tell me that he wants me in his life. But that's fairytale land. I'm thinking of you and wishing you love and peace on the journey.

[geoff]

dear Florrie Jo, I want to thank you firstly for reply, but also for showing the strength that is so hard to achieve and actually to follow through with, it's never easy to make this decision because the both of you have been together for a such a long time, but I really want to congratulate, because you know that you and your girls are first priority.

Length in a marriage actually could mean a lot of water under the bridge, but what it does is to also make you come to terms in whether or not the years ahead are going to be what you had hoped for, and in your situation it's much better to move on with your girls.

Sure he will still be the father and now he has many responsibilities to help you look after them, mainly financially, but I believe that your decision is the right one.

I am about to log off but I start early in the morning, so please I want to keep in touch with how you are going, because there are some financial issues, housing issues and other concerns that we want to help you with.

L Geoff. x

[Florrie_Jo]

Today was a good day. I have an overwhelming sense of clarity about making the right decision. There's been tears over the past days, but ive let them come and let them go. I have continued to reassure my girls that even though their Dad and I wont be together, we will always be parenting them together. They will be loved and looked after. I am in the family home and my husband has found a unit to move into next week....not too far from us and the girls school. I braved centrelink today ..thank goodness i can do things online . I attended a meeting with the accountant in regards to our properties. I am however going to seek independant advice on finances and entitlments. Although he is complying at this very early stage, im sure that will eventually change and i want to have my ducks in a row. 

Other positives, got an " out of the blue" job offer for an 8 week project..i cant stop smiling AND I went for a walk AND ive been eating healthy And and still doing my meditation. Im on the road today 😀

[pipsy]

Florrie Jo.  I wish I had your strength to make a clean break.  I'm in a slightly different situation than yours though.  I wish my husband and in-laws (or should that be out laws) would apologize for what they did.  However after 14 months, it wouldn't hold clarity.   I don't have kids (thank goodness), that would make it harder.  I don't love him anymore, but I like living here.  We don't spend much time together, he has his parents and other interests, I have a volunteer job.  We don't fight, I live the way I want to.  We're in our early 60's, (I'm 18 months older).  I'm financially independent and I am basically happy.  If he wants to leave, so be it.  He says he loves me, maybe he does in his own way, but my idea of unconditional love is different from his.  He thinks love gives him the right to control my thinking and whether I should work or not.  He doesn't emotionally support me, he is unable to.  I ignore most of his nonsense. 

If I'd known when I met him, we would not be together.  It's easy to be wise after though.

[RoseGypsy]

Hi Florrie Jo

I can tell you that the sick feeling and the tears do ease over time and that time totally depends on the individual.  My husband left me 6months ago and the grieving process is very individual too.  He met some else, but during our 15 year marriage I became an "emotional cushion " for his anger and rage and a labourer/worker not a wife.

 I turned to exercise to help me deal with the anxiety of going home to the place that we had built together and the depression and the great feeling of worthlessness. My two children have coped amazingly and as parents I think we give them less credit then entitled to them! 

The exercise routines have given me strength and purpose to deal with just the standard everyday stuff that seems huge when coping with anxiety.  

I surrounded myself with family and friends that helped by just listening, I also sort counselling with in the first two weeks as I knew I needed help and I'm proud to say that too.  We all need help at some point and having someone listen with no judgement helped me immensley.

I still have my down days of tears and anxiety but the time between each is becoming greater.

The strength within can be extremely strong and that strength becomes stronger and stronger. 

A smile and a hug from my kids is the strength in me.

👍😊

[geoff]

dear Florrie Jo, I am so pleased for you and your girls.

You definitely have your head connected to what is going on, and the the issues well you have pretty well answered them.

If or when your girls ask you 'do you still love daddy', well you can say still say yes, but love can vary so much in any relationship or marriage, just like I love my ex, but we couldn't live together again. L Geoff. x