How do I let go of someone I love but who won't commit?

[Jilted]

How do I let go of someone I've been in a relationship with for over 5 years, but who 'is not ready for a full time relationship'? He says he's afraid of making the same mistakes from his last relationship and admits he's not giving me 100%.   We have talked about a future relationship and things seems to be moving forward, but when I asked for more lately, he pulled back and we are back to seeing each other occassionally.  Although we message each other daily.

I'm in my early 50's and don't want to let him go. I'd like a full time relationship with him, but I am constantly waiting for him to give me more.  Feel stuck between a rock and a hard place, and don't know how to cope if I don't have him around at all. 

I'm doing all things suggested - going to MeetUp groups, started a new hobby, getting out and about.  I just can't see myself meeting anyone new, or being entirely happy on my own.   It's hard for me to understand why he doesn't want more from me. 

Would like to hear your thoughts on this. 

[randomxx]

Hi op. l had similar problems to him although maybe different reasons , with my now exgf . 50s too.

For me there was just a side of her l just wasn't sure about and had trouble trusting. 5yrs and l still had it.The other part of it was that she just wouldn't make some small changes l wanted , they weren't big things or changing herself as such , just some habits and things but they effected me in a bad way yet she still refused.

Well , l'd been married 20yrs earlier and so if l was going there again l needed to feel confident about things, not perfect but just at peace.Unfortunately though l just couldn;t quite get there about her as incredible a we were , and l do wonder if this ir if that with myself now about things too, maybe l shoulda coulda, or bitten the bullet.

She had mh problems too and eventually called us off herself but l'm as sure as l can be that it wasn't really those as such but more the fact it was over 5yrs and l hadn't committed and she did warn me that 5yrs was gonna be that.

Has he said anything about things with you two or you or mentioned any ares where he's just not sure about ?

[Jilted]

Hi. Thanks for your reply. It’s good to get a man’s perspective. He has said it’s not about me. It’s about him being afraid of making same mistakes he made in his long term marriage. He has said he wants to give me more but can’t right now. Ive tried to give him space to work on things. It’s dragging on so long. If I push for more it just makes him step back further. 

[randomxx]

Yeah right. l was really afraid of a second marriage. ldk, women seem gamer about that than men, more willing to try again, take the chance.

l would've gotten there, l did feel that way about her l felt like just a little more time but maybe she was right and 5yrs, l should've known properly, l dunno, maybe. Maybe l was being too cautious,mostly l couldn't have asked for more with her and us, maybe l should've. lt's been a few mths and l miss her so much but l do still have nagging about those things l had troubles with.

Kept thinking my first marriage l knew day one and it never changed, l should feel like that with her too . But maybe you won't at this age, maybe too cautious now, ldk.

Get the feeling with him though there's more goin on, uncertainties, but he's just not being 100% upfront with you.

l really hate this idea but maybe seems as the backing off a bit isn't doing it, maybe if you had a clean break for a mth or two, he might sort himself out and if it is just being overly cautious, with missing you he'll see it. But if he's still the same then you might have your answer l think.

[Jilted]

I’m sorry to hear things haven’t worked out for you. Sounds like you do really care for her. If she is not willing to work on the things that bother you then that’s not fair on you. Resentment would grow. 
I’m powerless in this situation. Wish there was something I could do to help him move towards we. 
thanks for your insights. 

[Saran]

I’m so sorry to read this. 
For me, there 2 main issues here:

1. You not having confidence and worth in yourself 

2. Him not showing you worth 

Whilst you’re not confident in yourself and believing in your worth I don’t believe you will receive what you deserve from him. It doesn’t sound like he’s going to change and using ‘the ex’ as a reason well simply doesn’t fly. He’s backed off and as you’re still available to him he almost can ‘have his cake and eat it’ so to speak.

as hard as it it I would really consider time away, if he missed you then amazing! But is he doesn’t then you deserve so much more. Trust me it’s out there, you are in your time and clearly have so much love and emotion to give! There’s a very deserving person out there if you let yourself find them.

what you have is familiar and that’s hard to break away from. He isn’t giving you what you really want and what you most certainly need and deserve! 

you got this! 

[therising]

Hi Jilted

I think one of the toughest relationships to manage would have to be one where a partner doesn't want to venture too far outside of their comfort zone, for one reason or another. If the only way for the relationship to significantly develop is through some sense of discomfort, then we can be left feeling like the relationship's never going to develop. Btw, my hat goes off to you as you work so hard on developing yourself. Good for you, as you continue to evolve through the challenges you're setting yourself and rising to.

I think something else that makes a relationship almost impossible to manage involves when one person doesn't want to address issues that need addressing because it doesn't suit them. For example, if the only way to make sure someone doesn't make the same mistakes that they made in their last relationship involves openly discussing things and they say 'I prefer not to talk about it', then that's technically avoiding the discussion of personal growth and development. So, it all starts to add up to 'I don't want to grow, I don't want to develop, I don't want to evolve, I don't want to openly communicate, I don't want to face challenges and I want to stay in my comfort zone and you're going to have to live with that'.

While I've been married for 22 years to a guy who loves his comfort zone, I've found the only way I can constructively manage this factor involves me developing myself in ways that serve me. I found waiting and hoping (someone changes) can have depressing side effects. There have been periods throughout the course of my marriage which have been deeply depressing. The questioning over the years has tended to go from 'How can I fix this relationship?' to 'How can I bring myself to life more, as I move forward?'. The side effect of this turns out to be less available time for the person who prefers not to develop. This can go in one of two ways, 1)your paths begin to naturally separate or 2)the other person doesn't want to get left behind and begins seeking constructive ways forward with you, based on having no choice if they want to continue the relationship.

I think we can manage only so much 'standing still' for someone who isn't willing to move forward. At some point they have to give a bit and make some significant moves. At the same time, it's important to remember we are worth the effort it takes when it comes to making progress in a relationship.🙂