Hi, welcome
A very well written post and on a very common topic- how to apologise and not have any expectations from it.
There is a number of points here to go over and I've been in this siutation before.
1/ Determine is indeed you are in the wrong specifically because we sometimes apologise fully when parts of the events were not your fault. Apologising for parts of a dispute that was not of your doing isnt right and can lead to friends thinking your are wrong all the time and they never are. That breeds a partly false friendship.
2/ Friends are like the tide- they ebb and flow. While its good for you to seek to mend a friendship broken it is healthy to realise how friendships dont stay stagnant, they come and go so just as this one drifted off (ebb) new ones can replace them. If you accept this then most friendships ebb and flow and only the strongest survive long term. These are the best ones and only a few will make it to your old age. So there should be a level of acceptance for the fluidity of relations between others.
3/ Once you accept number 2, you dont become so dependant on a "best friend", you spread your care amongst several that way you aren't as hurt if one goes the way this one did.
4/ Dwelling on what is lost is like a form of grief. Sometimes we just need to let it go because by apologising there is the risk of rejection and even revenge that puts you through ongoing repetitive sorrow. This is not a good way to self protect.
So, yes by all means apologise through letter or the best and most honourable way that will leave you with a lot less guilt is- personally. A knock on his door might see the door slammed shut but you can walk away proudly knowing that he had his freedom of choice and you tried. Then move on. Sometimes you might see him approach you some time later to accept it.
I praise you for taking the time and having the empathy of seeking forgiveness. It is a really good characteristic.
TonyWK
