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Hit a wall - out of ideas

Becstar
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Help needed

I'm a mum to 2 boys (18yrs & 12 wks)

i love my 18 year old dearly, the first 2 years of his life were not the best, I suffered PND & was in an abusive relationship and I was only a teenager with very little support. I really pulled my shit together and got a house, studied and eventually a job and I raised my son as a single parent because his Dad didn't have the capacity to change or to put someone else's needs first 😩

Anyways my son has diabetes type 1 & iv been his carer since age 2 and that's been challenging, exhausting ect ect but I always managed very well and very rarely was my son ill or absent from school.

My son has anger issues and understandedably so I give him lots of love, forgive his outbursts and most importantly I try to keep commication open, but sometimes it feels like it's not very effective and I often have to draw a line when it comes to abusive/aggressive behaviour and thankfully 😅 my son is getting better at this.

So my current issues are that my son expects a lot from me and most of the time I'm ok with that except at the moment I'm really down myself, my partner passed away Christmas, my third son was born in April and needed stomach surgery 6 weeks of age and most recently my father has passed away. I currently have the flu and I'm sitting in my car because my son has made such a mess inside that there are no clean dishes and he expects me to prepare a meal every night and pay for everything (he's only on Newstart so he would literally die without extra support) I have no problem paying for good nutritious food, education ect and I do but I often say no to junk food or games

i realise that this behaviour is a result of not setting clear enough boundaries at the right age so I'm prepared to keep working at these issues but nothing is working.

My son is very intelligent and he treats his friends and peers with respect and is well mannered so what am I doing that's so wrong? I don't want him to feel abandoned but maybe I need to give a bit more tough love! Am i allowed to want him to help me a bit more or am just supposed to give him everything because I'm the parent?

thoughts?

4 Replies 4

Guest6093
Community Member

Hi Becstar,

It sounds like it's been tough for you. Perhaps it would be better to discuss matters with a professional as you are clearly overwhelmed with everything.

My advice would be to start setting the boundaries now. Let him know you still love your son and you will always be there for him but now he needs to start pulling his own weight.

My parents never taught me anything about living or keeping myself afloat so it would be great to keep encouraging him and make him see that taking care of himself will make him more independent to do other things.

You also have an absolute right to take some time for yourself.

Is there a family member who can help enforce the situation on your son? Or is there someone available to help you give some time to yourself?

Thats just my advice. Hope it helps.

R

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
hello Becstar, there have been so many positives you been able to achieve under difficult circumstances, but it hasn't been clear sailing all the way, but you're an extraordinary mum and we hope we can help you.
I am sorry about your partner and father both passing away because this only seems to complicate your situation where you seem to be alone in trying to cope with all of this, especially as you now have a very young baby.
You are no different than most of us where we wished we had done something a long time ago, but isn't hindsight a painful word, simply because time has passed and what was done we did the way we wanted it to be done.
With everything you are doing you can't be at your sons 'beck and call' because there are people I know who also have diabetes but are capable of organising and running their own affairs and actually live by themselves, so maybe you have to put your foot down.
He has to firstly respect what you have done and what you are trying to do, rules must be set up, and remember, what he will learn is to help him further on in life. Geoff.

Becstar
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member
Unfortunately my Dad was my sons role model and most of my sons issues began when my Dad became ill (he was ill the last few years of life). So it's up to me and my son to really keep working and keep communicating! I might suggest family counselling and hopefully we can get seen sooner rather than later. I think that my son is on the right track he just needs to "pull his weight more" like you suggested and That's a struggle for the best of us 😉

Becstar
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

ThankYou

I know my son is capable of better, at the moment it's complicated because he simply could not afford to financially manage independently but he is in the process of setting himself up for this!

I really just need him to be a little bit more considerate of me and help out, I mean we all have to work and then come home and clean or cook etc.

how can I get a teenage boy to take on more responsibility?